Saturdays', Too

(Because Blogger.com had had enough of the hilarities you'll find at http://cappyworld.blogspot.com/p/saturdays.html )

“Do mushrooms ever commit fungicide?”

“I’ve been getting on my exercise bike (‘spinning’, for you twits) every day for a month, and I’m getting great at it, working my way up its computerized list of fancy settings. Boy, I can’t wait to see what comes next after ‘coasting’!!!”

“The best way to choose the right person for your long range planning is to look at pictures of how they dressed twenty years ago.”

“I was bullied as a child. Dad, as dad’s did back then, told me to ‘man-up and take it.’ I couldn’t argue with him – he was married to her.”

“Maybe it’s time for the White House press corp to try shooting spitballs…?”

“Politics is probably the only endeavor wherein failing repeatedly is the best way to eventually win… and vice versa.”

“It’s not windy out – God’s just trying to blow out all the flaming a-holes.”

“Everyone was attacking him for his extreme arrogance, so, whenever he wasn’t there to defend himself, I stuck-up for him.”

“I just watched a recent documentary on the Rolling Kidney Stones…”

“Seriously – They might need to consider renaming themselves… But then, the names ‘Grateful Dead’ and ‘The Zombies’ are already taken.”

“Forget the sex, drugs, and general naughtiness – you get to a certain point and even standing up is ‘posing’.”

“They can still bring it musically, though. That’s not always the case. When it comes to acting careers, for example, the ‘Terminator’ just passed ‘terminal’.”

“‘Dear video gaming company: Your new ad sucks. The only place geriatric Austrian body builders don’t scare me is on the battlefield. Thank you for listening. Have a nice day.’”

“It’s not one’s age so much as it’s acting like you’re still good at things you stopped being good at a generation ago. (Thank goodness this doesn’t apply to telling jokes!!!)”

“‘She said ‘Bear with me.’ I asked, ‘Which one of you is the bear?’ They both mauled me!”

“Let’s start a nonprofit to rescue dogs from dog rescuers!”

“Hey – maybe he can get the Clinton Foundation to pay for the wall!”

“They got it confused. This isn’t the type of asylum those poor immigrants came here to find.”

“Even the Loch Ness monster is hiding…”

“And Bigfoot? The poor thing must be feeling pretty neglected, what with Big Asses being all the rage…”

“‘The Abominable Glow Man’?”

“But isn’t it better to pick on someone than to pick them off?”

“OMG! My mind went blank! PRAY!!!!!!”

“I bought a shelf help book because no one would help me hang it.”

“Once my ‘outflow’ had became an ‘outpour’, it was inevitable: I came out poor.”

“(or was it the jokes?)”

“They're in it together! First the cat lets the dog lick his butt, then the dog pretends he’s happy to see me…!”

“I wear my Marianas Trench coat so people will think I’m really deep.”

“That flopping sound you hear isn’t me – it’s my car’s tires. They’re trying to pressure me into going out for air.”

“Saying ‘You’re darn tootin’, Rasputin!’ was the beginning of the end for poor old Tsar Nicholas II.”

“You may not believe this, but the cat just tried to murder me with my own razor!!! I escaped, but it was a close shave!”

“Puns are for punting!”

“Today’s word: ‘putrid’.”

“I had to battle the elements to do so, but I did manage to make it to the Chemists’ Convention and suggest, yet again, that they try simplifying a few things, like the table arrangement. I try to do that periodically….”

“I also moved that I might be the subject of their Bio-Chem cloning demonstration, but no one would second me.”

“Oh to be feted rather than fated!”

“Sooooo… Does a spoonful of sugar help the diabetic’s medicine go down???”

“I buy my hot dogs by the pound, as the ones inside it tend not to be so hot.”

“‘Sag’… ‘Gas’… Coming and going, getting older pretty much sucks.”

“My spine whines…”

“You do know that we could make life a whole lot better simply by replacing our leaders and our heroes (or – god help us all – our leader/heroes!) with their sidekicks…?”

“I am a member of the alienation.”

“Mom and dad told me I should know better, so I went to the casino to find him.”

“Mmmm… They ‘cure’ ham and ‘corn’ beef… Corn cures!!!”

“The extreme left and the extreme right always meet at the tail end.”

“Your argument is diputs… stupid and backwards!”

“It’s hilarious how, after a time (3 AM?), you can write these things without thinking?”

“(You have to write them without reading them, too… or that hilarity flies right out the window!)”

“Don’t tell anyone, but I think my dried lavender is giving me the finger…”

“My pet theory is that the cats paid off the dog help them beat me at naps.”

“My old black Lab would look at me like she had the saddest soul in the world. The new dog looks at me like he’s happy revenge.”

“For fun I like to shout ‘Wait up!’ and rush toward crowded elevators so that those packed inside will hold the door for me. Then I slow down… slow down even more… and eventually come to a complete stop just a mere foot or two in front of that door. That’s when I look around as if I could hardly care, pause, and announce: ‘I’m a cat!’”

“Silly me! I assumed people would eventually start climbing back out of their sheer imbicility… But there they go, diving ever deeper.”

“What??!!?? ‘Happy Food’ isn’t nutritious???”

“Summer’s coming. For the right fee, me and my Day-Glo thong will clear the beaches for you…”

“Please don’t say that! Some things actually shrink when you refer to them as ‘silly’.”

“The point I’m not getting to is that religion is much like getting beaten around a burning bush.”

“(I forgot this one…)”

“Why climb all the way up some stupid mountain just to get a bunch of commandments when you already have a wife?”

“Good news / bad news: You don’t have to buy the dog chew toys when you keep firewood stacked near the stove.”

“The best part of grocery shopping is finding neat things to drop into other people’s shopping carts.”

“We did that in college to one of our friends, who thereby ended up with a mini ‘plumber’s helper’. But not in vain! Not long thereafter, we went and turned on all the faucets and flushed all the toilets while ‘Wolfy’ was taking a shower. And then, while he was still screaming, we couldn’t help but notice that one of those super powerful toilets wouldn’t stop flushing. So we ‘borrowed’ that little plunger our friend had bought for us and tried to use it to stop the thing up. It didn’t work – that monster toilet just swallowed it! (all but the handle, that is)  That poor little sucker was never to be seen again…

And that, my friends, is what my poor parents invested all that money to send me off to college for!”

“‘I should have known it was a bad omen,’ said the old guy in the corner, “when the shotgun accidentally went off at the wedding rehearsal.”

“Who knew those guys wearing hockey masks and carrying chainsaws would turn out to be zombies?”

“If natural selection actually works, how come we still have all these idiots who complain about the weather?”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when the ‘old boyfriend’ she invited to the wedding turned out to be the United States Marine Corps.”

“I demanded a full explanation. She said she couldn’t swim fast enough to catch the troop ships.”

“What does ‘I’m okay, you’re okay’ mean if I’m not?”

“Shouldn’t the song ‘Ramblin’ Man’ go on a good bit longer?”

“‘Gigabyte’ – An Italian concert review.”

“Since when do brains control behavior?”

“I write ‘a wrong’.”

“My relationship with the old girlfriend ended after I tried to iron out a few wrinkles.”

“Pulling peoples’ strings doesn’t make you a populist – it makes you a puppeteer.”

“I get very nervous whenever I pass a tanker truck with a sign saying ‘Drivers Wanted’ on the back.”

“Looking back at it from what we know about such things now, one might guess that Nathan Hale getting fired from three teaching jobs in only two years might just suggest certain ‘issues’… and that he wouldn’t be the only one regretting he had but one life to give for his country…”

“Aren’t bumper stickers a form of texting while driving?”

“‘Children Museum’???”

“Grammar question: Why are possessive nouns so jealous?”

“I got both nervous and confused when the old farmer lady said she had to ‘hitch up her wagon’ before she went out.”

“I have no ‘baggage’… the ex took that, too.”

“Other then the stress and terror involved in getting out of bed in the morning, I recovered just fine.”

“I started a rock band in which we all played only car horns. The songs sucked, but the traffic jams were awesome!”

“Pick-up trucks come in four sizes these days: Medium-sized, large, extra-large, and ‘eunuch’.”

“I suggested a photo of the two of us, but she wasn’t taken with me.”

“I prefer to wait and go to the spa after dinner, so I can get a full-body massage.”

“Tubas walked into a bar. They were wearing oboes in their hair and acting like a pair of brass bassoons. They tried to hit on Clarinet, but their trombones were showing and she had no timpani for them, so they couldn’t get past first bass. The maestro, feeling embarrassed, said he was only there because they didn’t know how to conduct themselves.”

“I finally asked the nice lady who'd been waiting on me to get off.”

(My Great Great Great Grandfather, 'Cedric the Humorous', thinking up that joke)

“Although no bright bulb, she did have a beautiful two lips.”

“But I’m too fat to wear thin!”

“Speaking of which, those who criticize what they don’t understand – such as both these and the reasons for them – never understand that they don’t understand, or that by criticizing them they not only prove they don’t understand, but also that they don’t understand that they don’t understand, or even understand how silly they make themselves by criticizing them without understanding them, understanding why they are what they are,  when they are, or understanding why silliness (other than their own in not understanding and yet still criticizing them) is worth understanding but not worth criticizing… 

Understand?”

“Never trust a pushy person who tells you she would follow you to the end of the world.”

“It turns out you’re not supposed to chase the tetherball…”

“But you know me, I brought a deck of dull cards to play shuffleboard.”

“If his use of made-up words got any worse, they’d be the worserest!”

“Should the opportunity ever arise, please re-bury me.”

“I invested in chicken stock.”

“But then, I never was any good at playing the stock market. The only inside information I ever overheard was that the dog and cats were going to keep me locked out.”

“She had a few choice words for me. Specifically: ‘I choose someone else.’”

“I knew I must have been watching too many awards shows when my credit card gave an acceptance speech.”

“It wouldn’t tell me its expiration date until I told it mine.”

“He denied strangling her to death with his bare hands, but his fingerprints were all over the murder weapon.”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when my wife’s wedding vow was 'revenge'.”

“The sign said to ‘Merge Right’, but I did it wrong, anyway.”

“And then I drove off into the sunset from the southbound lane.”

“Will I get a ticket if this joke dies in a ‘No Passing’ zone?”

“A ‘deadly aim’ isn’t necessarily a good one.”

“When she told me she wanted to ‘bury the hatchet’, it went straight to my head.”

“My face took on an odd hew.”

“My ex-wife didn’t walk out on me. She skipped.”

“One I used to tell my poor kids:

My first wife was an ostrich. I woke up one morning and found a giant egg lying there, on her side of the bed, with a note taped to it. It said: “I’m leaving you – here’s breakfast.’”

“My last relationship was with a Beatles fan I met on the computer. I guess she must have come in through the bathroom window?”

“To heck with evolution and creationism – I believe in unnatural selection.”

“It was an abusive relationship – I fell in love with her at first slight.”

“Never look a gift alligator in the mouth!”

“She was pretty as a picture. Best mugshot in the whole line-up!”

“I stopped at the Tourist Information Center and found out all about them.”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when she set the wedding date… in with all the rotten figs and prunes.”

“He sent her a picture of his penis, because… well… no one else has one???”

“Next time you feel like doing something simply because ‘everyone else does it’, die.”

“After all is said and done, the idiots will keep right on posting their stupid comments.”

Another fine day

wasted away,

but not wasted the way

I was when I was younger

I hastily add,

I wasn’t so bad,

I’m afraid I went bad

as I grew and turned older

While other bad jokes

ripen with age,

in my ripened old age

mine stink so much stronger

So here are a few

to waste on you,

as I’ve wasted a few

of my better days writing the stupid things."

“Knowing that it would take a bigger fool than me to fall for any of those fad diets, I went back for seconds and thirds.”

“I remember,” said the old guy in the corner, ‘when debates were debates, reporters asked actual questions, and all slogans were good for was losing gunfights.”

“She feigned a faint, the fiend!”

“I turned my attention toward other things, but it looked just as bad from behind.”

“I guess she must not like being complimented? When I started to say I had to hand it to her she told me to ‘Zip it’!”

“One really does get what one pays for – I got nothing.”

“(With plenty more nothing to come!)”

“Just when you think a lawyer has finally sunk as low as he or she could go, the bottomfeeder will dredge up yet another odious case they found buried somewhere within the well-settled law.”

“Or, as we say in the business, ‘float some flotsam’.”

                        *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“‘Is your client appealing?’

‘No – pretty damn ugly.’

‘What was he facing?’

‘Hopefully, not the mirror.’

‘What was the trial like?’

‘That was ugly, too. So ugly, our only witness couldn’t take the stand to see him.’

‘What was the judge’s sentence?’

‘‘You, sir, are hideous!’’

‘So it wasn’t a ‘fair’ trial, eh?’

‘Please – no jokes!’”

                        *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Personally, I prefer women – even the couragous ones – not to have brass balls.”

“Poets may speak of the ‘gilded lily’, but we get the ‘gilded poop’…”

“I have my standards… but my abnormals are far more interesting.”

“One must assume that a person has to jump on the band wagon before he or she can fall off it?”

“I explained to mom how they told me I needed a written note for the day I was sick, but she said I was inexcusable.”

“In a flight of fancy, I went to see a tattoo artist who was really into geometry. I was looking for elliptical lips on my hips, but ended up square on my feet.”

“Did Native Americans really say ‘Ugh’, or was that just their gut reacting to the rest of us?”

“My trip to Poland in search of totems was a complete failure.”

“Mom and dad raised well-rounded children.”

“But they did try to return a defective one once…”

“Everytime you think you’ve fallen in love, it turns out you’ve just landed in the same old shit.”

“My etchings itch.”

“And I can’t even win the Littlery.”

“But it will get better! I invested everything in Bleak futures!”

“When Tom Thumb died, his widow wanted to earn a few bucks by auctioning off his body for medical research, but she couldn’t sell him short.”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when my future wife walked up the aisle to the haunting tones of ‘The Funeral March of Marie Antoinette’…”

“Sooooo… they’re bringing coloring books and crayons to bars now to… to… meet the right men???”

“New word: ‘hipidiocy’ – Thinking you’re ‘cool’ by only using the newest terms for the same old, otherwise uncool, things.”

“The strangest part of the Scientists’ March on Washington was how they each started out by saying ‘Please allow me to demonstrate.’”

“For those old enough to remember, the social me is like a 45 rpm record. I have two sides: The first (‘Side A’) ends up with a hit, while Side B (or the ‘flippant’ side) gets more of a slap in the face.”

“But I did finally break down and buy a CD player. The old turntable had stopped working, and turning the dining room one was exhausting.”

“Still, ‘in the groove’ still sounds a hell of a lot cooler than ‘coordinated with the digital data transfer unit’.”

“My original career choice – forensic pathology – turned out to be a dead end.”

“As did my career in humor!”

“I love watching the reflection of the moon shine across the water – but I like drinking it better!”

“Riots are funny?”

“The translator misinterpreted my intentions. I got slapped in Chinese.”

“It’s not easy being old and lazy. Well… actually, it is!”

“Today’s word; ‘rambunctious’.”

“Usage: ‘…rambunctious right in the ass…’.”

“Still waiting for ‘come hell or high water’? Check out my basement.”

“I turned the clocks upside-down so time would run backwards.”

“The only women who will talk to me now are all over 50. I’m not getting any younger.”

“Quick quips are great, but every now and then a joke has to die like James Cagney…”

“I sent my autobiography in to the publisher, but they sent it back with a note saying there’s no market right now for joke books.”

“What killed it???”

   

Happy Giddy Cheap Single Curmudgeon Day!!!

    

“All the electrical engineers told me they were sick of Chinese stereotypes.”

“I swore I would never repeat one.”

“But lawyers are liars…”

“I sometimes wonder if I have had my day yet.”

“It’s hard breaking up with someone just before Valentine’s Day. But every nickel counts!”

“Is true love on the level?”

“I don’t know where these come from, but I do write them from a seated position…”

“I was on a roll once. My ex had my face printed on the toilet paper.”

“Did you know that when you volunteer to serve at a soup kitchen they won’t allow you to bring any food home with you? It’s true! They’ll tell you that you can dish it out, but can’t take it.”

“Speaking of which: spare me your jokes.”

“I went to see the cannibal skate – he was very graceful.

(I miss Grace…)”

“Ever notice how banks are always trying to peddle us things these days? I went to the local branch and they tried to sell me to another bank.”

“Why isn’t it spelled ‘Wendsday’???”

“I’m a little behind at times… A big one at others.”

“He’s as repetitive as an ass’s ass, except they only have one of them.”

“Speaking of moats and damp, dark, dank dungeons, my home is my castle.”

“Atlas only shrugged because he knew she was crazy…”

“When they weighed me at the doctor’s they said I had gained 20 pounds. The doctor asked me if I’ve been exercising. I said “Yes! I’ve taken up diving!” He said ‘Really?’ I said ‘Sure! Who do you think takes all those coins out of fountains?’

He made me give back the entire 20 pounds of them…”

“We had a bedrock relationship. I slept on the rock.”

“I really owe it to you. Please don't make me pay you back!”

“Would you settle for a complimentary insult?”

“I’ve been disqualified from credit ratings.”

“I should never have made fun of her dress just because I was wearing the same one…”

“Why shouldn’t it be all about me? The idiots sure are!”

“I suggested she burn off  few calories – she torched my head.”

“Mom charged me for labor.”

“Why is ‘This may be a stupid question, but…’ always followed by a stupid question?”

“Let me rephrase that: ‘This may be a stupid question, but why is ‘This may be a stupid question, but…’ always followed by a stupid question?’”

“Get it?”

“If I’d seen any writers on the other team, I’d have used my writer’s block and saved our poor quarterback from getting sacked and trampled.”

“Let’s see… clump, dump, rump, lump, slump, hump, mumps, pump, grump, chump, sump… What am I forgetting?”

“Endless wars were bad enough even back when we won a few of them.”

“My high school football coach said I was ‘too soft’. Perhaps it was my third down pillow?”

“Predicting the future is actually pretty easy – all you have to do is answer the question ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’”

“Virtue is its own reward – dead or alive.”

“When, during the eulogy for Tom Thumb, the minister started to go on and on about how he now would ‘belong with the angels’, his widow shouted out: ‘Keep it short!’”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when the priest officiating at our wedding referred to the ring as ‘my precious’…”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when I was the young guy in the corner.”

“I think we’ve lost our fantastic…”

“She asked me why I kept staring at her. I told her I’d merely been reflecting on her glasses… and loved what I saw.”

“I accidentally sawed off the tip of my thumb once (true), and now I can only hitchhike in the wrong direction.”

“She said she loved my ‘adorable mug’, but I think it was the cocoa.”

“Our marriage was going along just fine until she started the philandering. I always hated Phil.”

“The body of my musical works has started to decompose.”

“I’d love to have you visit… as long as it’s someone else.”

“She asked me to leave her alone, so I slipped a dime under her door.”

“Mine was the room with the broom.”

“I’ll never forget that first day of school, when both of my parents were there to put me on the bus. Yet neither one bothered to meet me when they sent me back from the Greyhound station in Cleveland.”

“She said she didn’t want to see me off – and yet it appeared to be the only way I came.”

“I live by myself. I wish he’d move over.”

“...and make room for ‘Moron the Way’!"

“My life is a Marx Brothers’ tragedy.”

“Compound jokes get a little dry if you don’t keep them hyphenated.’

“Why do we question Mark?”

“I lost everything I had on the horses. I hope they come back.”

“I took my dog for a walk – he took me for a fool.”

“She said she smelled something slightly ‘off’, and asked if I had a cat box. I said ‘No, but he will claw you…’.”

“New word: ‘emenopees’ – The pastel colors.”

“I was acutely ugly as a baby.”

“I tried changing the channel, but still couldn’t dredge up anything worth looking at.”

“They say that at low tide you can still see those who drowned in drink sitting at the sand bar.”

“If only my mirror age were a mirage.”

“‘Have you recovered yet?’ she asked. 

“All but my privates,’ he replied with a smirk, pointing. 

‘I meant from your illness,’ she sighed. 

‘Silly me!’ he exclaimed. ‘I guess we’re both always groping, but you do it for answers!’ 

‘How insulting!’ she cried. ‘Don’t you care about how I feel?’ 

‘I like how you feel!’ he grinned. 

‘That’s not what I meant!’ she fumed. ‘I care about you – that’s why I asked how you were.’ 

‘I’m sorry,’ he replied, ‘I like you, too… but I’ve felt better!’

’That’s it!!!’ she screamed. ‘You’re obviously one sick dude, and I’m leaving!!!’ 

‘So why did you ask?’”

“I write these lion-less – I left my pride at the door.”

“And they say the sun is brilliant!!!” 


“She said she can’t wait for me to write from the farthest reaches of the Arctic. So now I have to book a trip?”
“My teams are so dead, bookmakers don’t give them an ‘under/over’, they give them an ‘over and under’.”

“I went to a seance with my aunts – heard a lot of groaning.”

“My high school music teacher was so impressed with my singing that he reorganized the chorus into soprano, alto, bass, and tin ear.”

“I knew my life of crime was about to come to a close when I looked at the ‘Ten Most Wanted’ list and saw my number was up.”

“I already had a heat register, so I never registered for the draft.”

“The least we could do to cut spending is have the corporations our elected ‘representatives’ work for pay their salaries for us?”

“I caught the dog chewing on the Zamboni again…”

“At least I refuse to make a joke about some jock strapped to the Stanley Cup.”

      

  

“I took a dicey roll in the haystack and found the needle. And she’d wondered what I’d met her for!”

“Do they even bother talking about masturbation during sex ed at the School for the Blind?”

“She said I was her last hope – she was switching to dread.”

“Seriously, aren’t all stones grave?”

“I don’t believe in the ‘free market’. Every single one I’ve ever been to charged.”

“Centrifugal energy is by far the coolest sounding.”

“Why do they run stop signs and stop at green lights?”

“So, I just saw a sign for ‘Walk-In Orthopedic Care’…”

“They told me to ‘Bring it on!’, but I couldn’t pull it off.”

“I felt pretty good about her asking me to go out for dinner… until I realized she was the owner of the restaurant we were in.”

“Where are all the temptresses now that I really need one?”

“She asked me if I was going to stay home because of the huge snowstorm. I told her I’d love to, but a had an eye doctor appointment and couldn’t see missing it.”

“Well-endowed colleges have the biggest boobs.”

“These things just keep coming to me. What can I say? I’ve looked – no one's selling repellent repellent.”

“I’m in training for the 1954 Olympics!”

“My spiritual advisor told me that, in my next life, I am going to be a slug. 

‘But,’ I protested, ‘you said that in my prior life I was but a garden snail!’ 

‘True,’ he acknowledged, ‘Very true.’ 

That wasn’t good enough for me! ‘So what am I in this one?’ I demanded to know. 

‘I’d rather not say,’ he replied, ‘but at least you’re finally coming out of your shell…’”

“I was the gloom in my father’s eye.” 

“And, while we’re on the topic of ‘gloom’, there will be more!!!”

“I asked her what she really thought of me.

She replied: ‘Do you want to hear the ugly truth?’

‘Yes!’

She shook her head. ‘You’re hideous.’”

“Elitism is bigotry, too.”

“‘Putrid’ doesn’t come with a ‘good’ side…”

“Can someone be too well read? I mean, life would be a whole lot more interesting if women couldn’t read me like a book.”

“She said I’d lost my mind, so I went out looking for it.”

“I got worked up backstage in a theater once, and decided to leave because I didn’t want to make a scene.”

“They tell me I have a quick wit, if only I could catch up to it.”

“Desire is a weird emotion.”

“I dated both Martha and her sister Theresa. That way, whenever Martha got upset and threw me out of her bedroom I broke into Ther’s and make her feel sorry for me!”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when you left a smokey room to step outside for a breath of fresh air. Now it’s the other way around…”

“Trump’s wars on education and the environment are really the same thing. He thinks the EPA is a parent/teacher group.”

“In fact, Trump thinks like an oxymoron.”

“Why do rhetorical questions even exist? Other than this one, that is…”

“Duck when he hits that tennis ball – he has a postal service!”

“The louder the engines, the dumber the voting.”

“Never say die… just do it.”

“I like even the sound of selfishlessness.”

“Why is it the first thing old guys say when they arrive is ‘I really have to go’?”

“My old bar loved me so much, they let me stay after closing time, locked the doors, and went out of business.”

“You’d think, what with all the job openings these days, that Help would have made it to the Ten Most Wanted list.”

“So all the smokin’ mirrors aren’t real?”

“No lishp jokes!”

“Where do bridges go when they’re ‘out’?”

“For fun, I like to switch the names on peoples’ jet skis and snowmobiles and see how many notice before they drown or freeze in place.”

“Is there anything creepier than the ad where a bunch of business people are monitoring every instant of a young woman’s life?”

“… other than me!”

“I was on the verge of purging my annual surge in urges by seeing a surgeon when the dirge in virgin sturgeon emerged in my mind to discourage it.”

“I feel better now…”

“What an era! The Democrats are trying to start World War III  and the inevitable nuclear annihilation it will bring, and the Republicans are jumping straight to the annihilation.” 

“Nothing’s funnier than something that isn’t!”

“She claimed I hurt her feelings when I duct-taped her mouth shut halfway through her singing it.”

“No jury in the world would convict me…”

“Am I just cheap, or do words that end in ‘-acost’ tend to be bad?”

“Never tilt a kilted Scotsman.”

“(Who knows where they might be hanging their haggis?)”

“I wake up every morning with a headache from getting slapped in all my dreams.”

“Congress and motor toys – the two things that make a lot of noise running around in stupid circles.”

“Speaking of ‘stupid circles’, none of my friends talk to me anymore…”

“She tried to insult me, but I outsulted her.”

“What did Friar Tuck under his Robin Hood in the Little John that Maid Marianne laugh?”

“My grandfather wrote the first math dictionary (true), well before I was ever born. Strangely enough, I found my picture in it while browsing through it one day! It was right there, next to ‘Zero’.”

“The cure for ‘false news’ isn’t false ‘fact-checking’.”

“The great thing about us hams is that you can’t cure us because we already are!”

“Why can’t ‘meanwhile’ be ‘nicewhile’?”

“Never try to understand a falling piano.”

“The dissolution of my marriage came right after her disillusion in it.”

“I should have known it was a bad omen then the trap door malfunctioned at the wedding rehearsal.”

“But then, having it at a place called ‘The Gallows’ should have been warning enough…”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘but I don’t want to.’”

“I don’t want to continue on forever with this already seemingly endless spectrum of wit, insight, and humor, but some humorless twit keeps encouraging to… so there will be more!”

“(Always blame 'the Twit'!)”

“Native Americans have a very different idea of how to make America great again.”

“Speaking of ethnic slurs, what exactly are ‘whiteheads’???”

“A minimum wage only fixes one end of the problem.”

“If I wasn’t already such a complete coward, I’d find all this rather discouraging.”

“I was doing fine when I told her she had beautiful eyes – it was the ‘like a potato’ part that killed things.”

“When it comes to stroking women, it’s always better to go with the grain. I find rye works especially well.”

“I told her I expected to have breakfast in bed. Sure enough, I awoke the next morning in the back of a pick-up truck on the way to the dump with the rest of the leftovers.”

“Do smokers get the chimney flu?”

“Mom said ‘If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t…’ Oh wait – it’s too late.”

“And I used to think ‘bleak’ was the worst form of future…”

“I wish I could refined my tastes.”

“My client didn’t like the State’s offer. He said ‘All you ever talk about is time!’ I replied: ‘It’s 3 o’clock.’”

“I decided my engine needed a good cleaning, so we entered a motor pool.”

“I always thought ‘you can’t take it with you’ was just a question my parents always asked visitors about me when they were leaving.”

“How do they get away with calling the tax departments ‘Services’?”

“For those who think political doublespeak is new, the Defense Department used to be called the War Department.”

“Our old, toothless butler sued us for undentured servitude.”

“They asked me to hum a few bars, but I only buzz them.”

“And here I thought the birds and the bees were where little birdbees came from…”

“Making whoopee cushions the soul.”

“Some people are into practical jokes, I’m all about practically jokes.”

“They asked me if I wanted them to put me under for the operation. I said ‘Not unless it kills me.’”

“I try not to exert myself – my erts are too valuable to me.”

“I’m thinking our only hope is to make Election Day a national holiday… and close all the polls.”

“She said she’d noticed I’ve been working on my looks. I believe her exact words were: ‘I see you’ve made it through the first half of spit and polished’.”

“Someday I’d love to find the second world countries…”

“Speaking of international politics, my guess is they misspelled ‘Untied Nations’?”

“They kept telling me I must have made a mistake when I told them my blood is typo.”

“I’m beginning to run a little low on these (sorry!)… although there are a few of you who would say I’ve running low from the start?”

“I can’t get over the rainbow!”

“I’d like to take a moment and thank those special few who have shared some of these collections  of brilliant wit, humor, and insight along the way; and to let them know that someday, far off in the future, they may even find a few  new ‘friends’ to replace all the ones they’ve lost.”

“The more days came and went, the more I began to question who I really was… a prostitute or a urinal.”

“And then there was the bald musician who kept trying to play his hair piece.”

“The poor guy thought his wife was yelling ‘Touché!’”

“What kind of half-assed punctuation is a semicolon?”

“Is that why its emoticon smirks???”

“Was Hillary, perhaps, just Martha Stewart’s less talented doppelganger? I mean, is that how she lost to the idiot whose doppels are too small to hang?”

“And we thought climate change was going to kill us…”

“Or these jokes…?”

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who remember Howard Cosell, and the lucky ones.”

   

                   

“Someone slipped Minnie a Mickey!!!”

“Speaking of which, isn’t Pluto just a little Goofy?”

“When it comes to why Warner Brothers’ cartoons are far, far better than Disney’s, Mel Blanc says it all.”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when she decided to christian our wedding ceremony by trying to smash a champagne bottle across my brow and slip me into the ocean.”

“I’m in my 60’s… an age where the only thing that works better is beans.”

“We’ve lost our ability to gather.”

“I told my shrink I was afraid I’d have to remain in therapy until the day I die. That was the last anyone ever saw or heard from him.”

“Why are there so many ‘why’s and so few ‘wherefore’s?”

“When I tried to leave on a final note, it went flat. But then, I might have cut myself on a sharp one?”

“Musically speaking, opera is what it is.”

“We tried running off to Tahiti together, but sank when we came to the ocean.”

            *                      *                      *                      *                      *

      “Dopel Gang-up on Me

I cloned alone

beside myself

without me

I’d grown and moaned

inside myself

about me

My other half phoned

and told myself

‘forget me’

Toward home I roamed

without myself;

I’d left me.

*                      *                      *                      *                      *

“I got stuck on the idea of Velcro elevators…”

“And then on the concept of padded elevators, to lift people out of their depression.”

“The other mountains aren’t rocky???”

“And what’s so great about getting high in a Denver john?”

The Department of Transportation, where:

- they see their purpose as being to get us from nowhere to nowhere as fast as possible by mowing down everything in-between;

- the sense of order has them forcing the people who are in the right lane to dangerously have to merge over into traffic... just so they can immediately allow them to shift back into a new right lane in order to go off an exit;

- they maintain all the roads that have the heaviest traffic in July and August by doing all their construction on them in July and August;

- they design roads for people to drive too fast, and then block them with big orange trucks moving too slow;

- they assign speed limits based on what speeds would cause the most rear-end collisions;

- the response to desperately needed structural repairs is ‘We’ll cross that bridge if it's still there when we come to it’;

- they conspire with town crews to ensure that every inch of plowable snow is replaced by brown, gooey slush and then piled up into driveways to freeze up into rock;

- no one even has a clue as to what ‘transportation’ meant on Star Trek; and

- old political appointees go when the Commissioner of Motor Vehicles, etc., positions have already been filled by other ones.”

“She told me all I needed was a little ‘do-over’, and then dumped it all over me.”

“The real problem in this, the age of anticipated instant gratification, is that everyone has become too lazy to actually put in any real effort anymore – as if simply asserting something is so somehow makes it so. 

I’ll explain later…”

“When I met her I lost my virginity.

When I courted her I lost my mind.

When I married her I lost my way.

When we were in court I lost my dignity.

When it was over I lost the rest,”

“And now I have to start over, because I’ve lost my place.”

“We should have stopped trying to simply ship all of our troubles off to other places back when we first figured out that the world is round.”

What each of us really needs is a sharp axe and a solid tree to chop down with it. Half of us will find it releases our inner tension and aggressiveness, and the other half – one can only hope – will get squashed by the tree.”

“Never marry an inflatable date.”

  

“Perchance liquor wasn’t the elixir we really needed?”

“It’s funny how the beans I had for dinner last night inspired me to come up with all this wonderful quips this morning…”

“My life is like a movie – the events depicted in it are fictitious and any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.”

“George Washington retired from the Presidency to spend the rest of his days manufacturing whiskey. Not only did he have a true vision of America’s future, but also a great instinct for business.”

“My guess is that Thomas Jefferson actually loved Sally Hemings, although she remained his slave until he ultimately freed her, through his will, when he died. Of course, he could have just married her, instead, and made it even...”

“Ben Franklin… Benjamin ‘f’ing’ Franklin… What was he about? A Bostonian who moved to Philly so that everyone would think he was witty, brilliant, and cool… but then went to France to illustrate, even then, how they would one day think even Jerry Lewis is great.”

“And then there was the Adams family…”

“Maybe there’s a reason why the Liberty Bell is cracked???” 

“But enough on our Floundering Farthers – we still have further flounderings to come!”

“How can you miss them if they won’t go away?”

                *(with apologies to the late, great, Dan Hicks)

“This morning I did no sit-ups, but did squeeze in twenty take-notices.”

“Sweating like a geyser!”

“There are those who want to ‘save the mosquitoes’, those who try to wipe them (and thereby the entire ecosystem that depends on them) out with poisons that also kill us, and those (reactionaries!) who get splattered with their own blood by slapping the little suckers too late. And here’s the thing: the more we itch, the more we stick to one of those three lousy options… and why?  Because we’ve been told the alternatives are too repellent???”

“But why wax political? It’s already too slippery.”

“Today’s word: ‘slime’.”

“Living by theory is only theoretically living.”

“Everyone has an ‘idiot neighbor’.

Think about that…”

“I’m just going to have to change my obviously far too handsome profile pic on Facebook. All these beautiful young women keep sending me enticing friend requests.”

“Half of us are idiots, and the other half are acting like idiots because they think the other ones are.”

“We’ll do fine…”

                        *                                  *                                  *

         “Oh De Tree

Opine

I think of you,

I say,

my family had

Cones, too.

you see…

but you can’t,

you are

a tree.”

                        *                                  *                                  *

“My years at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, New York were invaluable to me – they provided me with my ‘RPI tattoo on my privates’ joke.”

“I delight in delirium.”

“Finally I saw the light! (‘Finally’, because it was a train)”

“Some mess up – I mess down.”

“I’m investing all my money into geriatric floatation devices for when Florida goes underwater due to rising sea levels. Think of it – someday you’ll be able to tell people that you knew me way back when everyone still thought I was just some crazy nobody!”

“If you find yourself being against pretty much everything, chances are you’re just too drunk on yourself not to need to lean on something else.”

“My dog, Ralphie, keeps marking his spot. The neighbor’s dog is named ‘Spot’. It’s getting ugly.”

“If doing that worked for us, every man would have his very own urinal!”

“(Ever notice how those of the female persuasion never have to ‘mark’ anything to prove they own it?)”

“Why are ‘talking heads’ all asses?”

“One might (?) wonder, what with my being so very tone deaf and all, why I ever waste the time trying to remember how a song goes?”

“Perhaps the lab rats are actually studying us?”

“Dad once told me to ‘suck it up’, and that’s pretty much all I’ve ever done ever since.”

“I didn’t ‘lose’ my virginity – I merely misplaced it and forget I’d ever had it.”

“It’s especially sad when the oldest jokes turn out to be the ones you made up…”

“Dementia is fun! Every morning I forget they are my shoes and tie the laces together as a practical joke. Every afternoon I forget that I tied them together, put them on, and fall flat on my face.”

“I’d tell you what I do in the evenings, but I can’t remember…”

“My luge is huge!”

“Which reminds me: there are certain activities you might not want to engage in whilst having an erection.”

“While on that subject: Is the Washington Monument a good likeness?”

“I wasted a good drunk writing these wasted.”

“‘I remember,’ said the old man in the coroner’s, ‘No, wait, I can’t… I’m dead!’”

“Tom Thumb’s widow decided to have him cremated because she thought there might be a rack in the oven and they could use it to stretch out these Tom Thumb jokes a little longer.”

“Let’s get back to politics – the back is the best place to find an ass.”

“How hard could it be, really, to simply stop, turn around, and try walking in a different direction when you get to the cliff?

Hello?

Hello???”

“The worms always win.”

“Today’s second word: ‘squander’.”

“Unfortunately, anyone who starts off with ‘I only have a few words to say’ will never leave you speechless.”

“I write twenty to thirty of these brilliant little gems and you can’t even offer up even one halfway intelligent or clever disparaging comment?”

“Always follow Timmo – he leads from behind.”

“I don’t know about the ‘again’ part, but he sure has succeeded in making America grate.”

“When you find dumb jokes smart, it’s ‘cause you ain’t.”

“You do realize what happens when we assign all of the blame on the things we can’t change… right???”

“We got thrown out of three bars in one night back in law school (true), with the glasses they threw at us as we raced down the fire escape behind one of them barely missing our booze-sodden heads (also true). Someday I’ll figure out how to turn that into a joke…”

“We are Buster Keaton.”

“Short sayings suck.”

“Short answers aren’t.”

“Watched some mud wrestling… could barely even see it moving.”

“So I tried to join in, but got pinned by muck.”

“Did Ozzie or Harriet have the better half-Nelson?”

“Oh dear! I’ve apparently flunked ‘funny’ in the Kay-Mart School of Discretionary Norms…”

“My evaluator couldn’t make do with anything of length – no wonder he and Jill don’t get along…”

“One might still suppose it’s the suppositories…”

“Engineering school stopped making sense the minute I first lost my train of thought.”

“Was Hamlet a Great Dane or cheesy Danish?”

“My taste buds prefer not to taste Buds.”

“Why would anyone look for Waldo?”

“If only we could keep people who still think doing ‘the wave’ is clever from voting…”

“Never tell a young person they’re the smartest one in the room – it creates a special form of stupidity that will last a lifetime.”

“Politicians pivot – leaders don’t.”

“So, the follow-up to the satirical book and movie, ‘Being There’, has turned out to be the real life ‘Not Being All the Way There’???”

“And we thought god got it backwards when he/she created the dog…”

“Being ‘exceptional’ isn’t always a good thing?”

“They call it a ‘welcome mat’ – think about that…”

“The worst ‘attitude’ is the one that presumes it deserves a better one.”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when Rodney Dangerfield popped out of the wedding cake…”

“If you have nothing left to say, why don’t you leave before you say it?”

“There’s always enough blame to go around me.”

“Today’s word:’shirk’.”

“If these get any lower, the bottom suckers and trolls will be able to understand them.”

“Why do so many people screw themselves, you ask? That’s easy: too many loose screws.”

“If evolution worked, how come the foibles are winning?”

“Maybe they should start calling some of them Kraft beer…”

“New proposed product: ‘High IQ-Tips’.”

“Why do those who blundered us into our current mess keep thinking that pointing out how bad a disaster it is will somehow make it right???”

“Rules to Write These By #17(a): ‘If you hesitate to state it, relate it.’”

“How come my jokes are dated but I can’t get one?”

“Speaking of not getting it: the more of an issue you make of your not getting the joke, the more people will figure out that you are the issue, not the joke…”

“Turning sour makes me giddy!”

“Facebook for Morons: When you comment on certain posts, Facebook starts showing you more of those posts. So keep right on commenting!”

“(PS – if the posts are numbered, and those numbers are approaching 100, you might not want to give it away that you think they’ve just started???)”

“Never upset a troll – they have an even bigger ass lurking underneath!”

“Sorry, but when I get the Nobel for these I probably won’t have time to thank all the idiots, twits and morons individually.”

“But I’ll be thinking of you!”

“I tried to play the triangle in a jazz band, but they made me play the square.”

“Why on earth are they putting drunks in tanks???”

“He stuck his peg leg in a keg

the crew began to beg

‘Oh Ahab, sir, uncork our brew

we’ll saw it off, is what we’ll do!

(PS -this poem has laid an egg)’”

“I don’t understand the regimens women say they are into these days. I mean, where do they even find pirates who like yogurt?”

“How many times have the Rolling Stones sung ‘This May Be the Last Time’???”

“My parents never thanked the Coast Guard for rescuing me from that the canoe they’d set me adrift in.”

“They’d told me that if anyone asked I should say I was looking for Shit’s Creek and/or my missing paddle.”

“I failed. Even with my crib notes, two weeks old was still too young to remember all that…”

“Change is life. Being changed is getting near the end of it.”

“(I’m not sure who’ll want to get near mine…?)”

“Sure it’s a lynch mob, but just look out how it’s brought everyone together!”

“Canadians are the nicest people to ever smash you over the head with a hockey stick.”

“If I’d known she had a flame thrower, I’d never have offered to ‘light her candle’…”

“She was all over the map. I’d have said she was the ‘lay of the land’, but that would actually be stealing a great line from a very old western that used it as one of the most brilliant examples of ‘sneaking one by’ the Hollywood’s Production Code I’ve ever seen.”

“I’d love to relate my life story, but it’s telling people it isn’t related to me.”

“I met the most beautiful woman running away from me today…”

“Did I really accidentally erase some of these, or did they really just find a way to escape?”

“I was fooled into thinking I wouldn’t get fooled again.”

“Find me a blue suede shoe – and step on it!”

“Oops! Telling people to stop acting like stupid hypocrites makes me a stupid hypocrite!”

“The good thing about our regression back to kindergarten-level political discourse is that if we keep going we’ll soon be able to hide in the womb.”

“I’m thinking that relative obscurity may be the only protection the kinfolk have got.”

“I learned by rote. I rote everything down.”

“I refuse to be starved for attention – fat people are easier to notice.”

“That was the ‘Beat Generation’. This is the’Beaten Generation’.”

“Politics has become a less refined game of tag?”

“I’m so glad clueless people are defining everyone else for us.”

“It was an emergency – I had to call the fire department socialists.”

“But first I had to stop and wonder why ‘911’ isn’t just ‘11’ isn’t just ‘2’…”

“She was a good dog, but I was jealous of her when the furnace went out and only she was in heat…”

“Skiers – the losers who throw away good money to get to the top of mountains in order to go downhill, when we all do it for nothing just by being alive.”

“Maybe we need to worry less about why people voted for insanity and more about why they don’t see it as being any different than what we’ve already got?”

“Hold it! I’ve been told it’s cold to scold the fold for being cajoled, trolled, and sold on some old fake bold rolled gold-buffoon molded for show? (Soooo sorry!)”

“I prefer deranged-free chickens.”

“I’m afraid of coming unfrayed!”

“We all should follow the money… but most of us can’t – we’ve been locked out. Still, we can at least stand outside the gate and wave goodbye to it???”

“I’d have picked a better nose, but boogers can’t be choosy!”

“Soon they’ll be arresting us on suspicion of suspecting…”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when you had to work real hard to avoid scratching a record. Now I’m setting records for scratching.”

“Sand traps work! Every one I’ve ever seen was full of the stuff.”

“The last time I went golfing, someone said ‘Avoid the hazards’… so everyone ran away from me.”

“I’m a golf gourmet – I play à la cart.”

“I tried pumping iron, but my wedges are still flat.”

“Has it dawned on the aged Aquarians yet?”

“We’ve been searching for a habitable planet, but the closest ones we’ve found still resemble ours…”

“Do sarcastic junkies shoot down while shooting up?”

“Eiffel from a tower in Paris.”

“I bought a new crock pot. Smoke it, and you believe everything politicians tell you.”

“We should milk Moscow for all it’s worth.”

“Make me stop.”

“If these make you frown, I would suggest standing on your head.”

“Trump lies so the main stream media doesn’t? Good logic… I just won Olympic gold in the  decathlon because you didn’t. Keep failing!”

“‘Google Glass’ should have been ‘Google Goggle’.”

“While you certainly don’t need to agree with my political insights, jokes, and commentary, please don’t feel personally offended by them. Pissy ignorant sheep idiots are the worst kind.”

“I’m beginning to think I might be a little indecisive…”

“If video gaming can advance beyond Pong, maybe political argument can, too?”

“Perhaps it’s not really about getting past that which hasn’t even left us yet?”

“If only god’s graces weren’t the only women who were pissed at me…”

“I suggested it was a lovely night for a walk. She suggested I take one.”

“Think of these as a test – something along the lines of giving birth while passing a kidney stone?”

“My home state is Abivalence…”

“Maybe we’re on the verge of the first State of the Union Suit Address?”

“Sure it’s bad that the Trumpet has taken lying about everything to the extreme… But isn’t it also scary that he’s dumb enough to then brag in public about his penis size?”

“The boy who cried chihuahua???”

“The problem is there is no rock bottom in an abyss.”

“How did acute mental illness ever sneak by as astute a political watchdog as today’s major media?”

“I knew a new gnu would know no no-no’s…”

“This is what the sun comes up for???”

“And they said Herbert Hoover sucked…”

“Sure they’re wasting billions of our dollars now… maybe even more than the last few Administrations did… but just think of how much we’ll save down the road when it comes time to pay for the Trump library!”

“In most advanced countries the citizens speak several languages. Here, we just make up our own.”

“Maybe we need an ‘Occupy Madison Avenue’, too???”

“Sure, some of these jokes are lame – but only the political ones make it all the way to ‘cripple’!”

“By now you should realize I try to throw a little incite in there with the humor.”

“Getting back to politics causes back spasms.”

“Ever wonder if, just maybe, the people selling us anti-virus software might feel at least a little inclined to create a few viruses of their own?”

“A conspiracy theory, for sure… and yet nothing to sneeze at.”

“Call Jason! We found the Golden Fleece!!!”

“If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, these jokes have every right to suck, too…”

“It’s true, the sky is the limit. I tried jumping up and down and couldn’t get beyond it.”

  

            

“I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see what this country does for an encore!”

“Politics is like two generous Germans (???) fighting over lunch. ‘Your wurst!’ ‘No, your wurst!’.”

“You can’t hide the reality of global warming under a blanket of snow.”

“Too many Americans still believe in creationism, angels, the tooth fairy, Santa, ghosts, honest politicians, and macho businessmen.”

“And yes, the Flat Earth Society still thinks it has the world on a platter.”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when I used to sit in the corner and not be part of some bad joke.’”

“Maybe it’s time to stop electing ultra-rich egomaniacs?”

“(Yeah – it’s plural.)”

“Think of me as a blind guttersniper…”

“(My ‘Second Amendment Right’)”

“If it made sense, it wouldn’t?”

“Like most of you, I peaked at the beginning. The next six decades were spent not getting over it.”

“Kinda like sex?”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when my bride turned back into a pumpkin.”

“The dumb cat ignored my ‘No Littering’ sign.”

“We waste too much time between naps.”

“She said she was burned out on sex. I think it was the smell of my smoking rubbers.”

“Speaking of which, did the Romans hold their orgies in condominiums?”

“What’s more deplorable than deploring?”

“We pretty much drove the dorkiest poor loser out of our college dorm… only to then discover that his absence revealed even more dorky losers. So who is Donald going to blame when the immigrants are gone?”

“I have no idea why she’d be offended by my dressing myself up in her old prom dress and fanciest new sexy boots…?”

“She called me ‘Crazy Man’! Whoopee!!! She noticed I’m a man!”

“She said my vicarious vacations were like varicose veins, tracking every trip she tried to take without me.”

“That’s what happens when you forget to lock me out – inside jokes!”

“Wow… ‘101 Saturdays’… great name for a book, eh?”

“Maybe, now that we’ve reached this miraculous milestone together, the posting of these should become a bit more sporadic? Like the humor???”

“To hell with humor!!! Let’s march on!”

“She wore a carrot costume for Halloween, so I dressed up as celery. She accused me of stalking her…”

“Womens! How can they ever get a bad joke when they refuse to even date one???”

“Something tells me that anything called ‘industrial strength cleaner’ would do the opposite of clean?”

“The 18-year-old drinking age was great… until we turned 21.”

“Why are student drivers called ‘Ed’?”

“We should have waited on the liquid lunch at the clubhouse. I got arrested for drunk driving on the back nine.”

“The give-away had to be when I mistook a divot for my toupe…”

“I blamed the water hazard. It was my fear of water that forced me to drink all that Scotch straight!”

“These last few jokes have been silly – who ever heard of drunk golfers?”

“Or ‘yachtsmen’???”

“Lawyers??????”

“We’re cruising now! There’s no end in sight… except mine!”

“The demise of the wise, but hardly the derriere!”

“Remember the whatchamacallits!!!”

“You can’t befuddle idiots with facts…”

“Heck, some of them think Global Warming is a great way to get rid of Snowden?”

“And, by the way, if you both call yourself a ‘liberal’ and think disclosing the NSA’s gross violations of the US Constitution is ‘treason’, you are beyond addled.”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when Democrats at least had a clue as to why Henry Kissinger is an asshole.’”

“(Oops! Forgot the ‘funny’ part again!)”

“At least with Nixon, you could buy a mask, wear it in front of a mirror while saying what you’re saying, and stand a chance of figuring out what asshole you sound just like.”

“Don’t try it with a Trump mask. Radiation, you know…”

“‘I have seen the enemy, and it is us’... not seeing that the enemy is us. (Thanks to Walt Kelly for the all-too-forever-true start)”

“Why don’t we get that thing off his head before it digs any deeper?”

“‘All that is gold isn’t Gary Glitter’???”

“Can we turn the barrel over and start over?”

“Those who think it’s all about squabbling over who takes longer vacations should take a permanent one.”

“The DNC made up the ‘fake news’ meme. Think about that…”

“The RNC only skipped the ‘meme’ part…”

“I know – too much ranting, not enough raving. But it’s not like the lunatics are getting lonely?”

“Someday you’ll look back on all this and laugh… because you’re leaving.”

“My dynamics died…”

“‘Ultra-conservative’ sounds like a laundry detergent… and perhaps rightly so?”

“Convicted criminals shouldn’t hold office. There’s not enough room what with all the unconvicted ones.”

“The only reason I escaped was because she was so ugly her door bolts bolted.”

“Seriously, we elect ugly. We just never wake up sober enough to realize it.”

“I am just away, far into stranger…”

“Most good old-fashioned conservatives have been fooled into thinking that today’s self-serving reactionaries share their views. That’s right, they’ve had the dyed in the wool pulled over their eyes.”

“Natural selection is someone else.”

“One alternative truth is that oral sex isn’t sex.”

“I do believe in the Domino Theory, however. If we’re not careful, the world will soon be taken over by crappy pizza.”

“Was the overly-clever dinosaur a T-Wit?”

“Never giggle while gargling, lest you gurgle.”

“My inner robot is an idiot.”

“If being against Donald Trump was all it took to be morally correct, we wouldn’t have Donald Trump.”

                        ?          ?          ?          ?          ?

           “The Rime of the Aged Mad Moaner”

This is the tale of the golden trumpet

who played its tunes right out of the moon,

blasting and blaring and often just scaring…

too few of us, sure, but hardly too soon.

A half-baked dilemma or over-baked crumpet?

A third-rate goon just playing tycoon

by blasting and blaring while never quite caring?

A full-fledged loon, or merely buffoon?

It doesn’t quite matter however you lump it,

an out-of-tune brass ass is hardly a boon,

all gilded and glowing and endlessly blowing

hot air, like a flume, from under that plume.

This bugle has played, perhaps we should dump it?

His wife is the dish, he’s the spoon and the moon.

Blasting and blowing, its time he got going,

If life is half fair, he won’t make it through June!

Sewage is sewage, despite how you pump it,

not just the trumpet, but the clowns all around.

Tooting and touting, this calls for a routing!

Out with them all! They’ve run us aground!

The high de-diddling is done! The gold has grown old!

The fiddling has flucked us up to this point.

The little dog’s barking, the town's full of snarking!

The trumpet, the bands, let’s clear the whole joint!

                        ?          ?          ?          ?          ?

“What’d I smoke???”

 “‘I remember…’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘Wait!!! This room is round!’”

“I went swimming with the endorphins.”

“After years and years of trying to understand how dogs think, I finally figured out the error is in the presumption.”

“Oh... and cats are merely saying ‘Me!’, ‘Me!’ with an accent.”

“But when tried to figure out what the goldfish were saying I almost drown!”

“Some people really enjoy commodities trading – I relish exchanging condiments.”

“Hold that applause…”

“Speaking of apple sauced – did it get that way from drinking hard cider?”

“I actually tried making hard cider once, but chipped my tooth on it and put it right back in the freezer.”

“Maybe we ought to skip the primaries and just place everyone who's crazy enough to run next to the nearest cliff, instead?”

“Mom’s old advice doesn’t work – I keep counting to ten, and the world still pisses me off…”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *

   “Owed to an Evil Twin”

“Poetry has a doppelgänger,

it’s lurking in my lines of anger

with wit, bad rhymes, and even worse

excuses for both humor and verse;

It’s not so much I wax poetic

as in the buff they’re quite pathetic,

these puny puns with which I’m cursed…

(or do I have our roles reversed?)

Each stanza stinks, and yet, so what?

It’s not as if there is some glut

of genius here about to burst

free of thoughts both dumb and terse!

So take them with a grain of salt,

swallowed with the whole gestalt,

for what they lack in taste at first

will sour even more when nursed!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“So when did ‘Jaguar’ start rhyming with ‘Dracula’???”

“I’ve been feeling a little withdrawn and quartered of late…”

“Some people are neither sane nor insane – they’re outsane.”

“I found a book at the library called ‘A Coward’s Tale’. I turned it and ran.”

“Why are they shootin’ ladders???”

“I’m a homemade man!”

“These are becoming quite the compostilation…”

“For those of you who have missed the obvious: telling someone that person ‘x’ is ‘just like Hitler’ only makes their mind automatically think of the ways he/she isn’t. Got it? Now try and figure out why that doesn’t work…?”

“No, I’m not treating you like a complete idiot. I can’t – I’m not licensed to prescribed brains.”

“I told her I needed a little ‘pick-me-up’ in the morning – she bought a crane.”

“My stork was a dork.”

“My body of work doesn’t.”

“She suggested a napkin. I told her I never sleep with relatives.”

“Do naughty natty ninnies get slapped in handcufflinks?”

 “Oh dear… My early retirement isn’t early anymore.”

“I cheat at Solitaire – but I never catch me!”

“My parents could have stopped this simply by paying attention back when all the glue started disappearing.”

“Never ask your therapist if he/she has ‘heard a good joke lately?’...”

“Followed a chicken across the road. You don’t want to know...”

“Today’s word: ‘quibble’.”

“Hey – ‘scatological’ is still logical!!!”

“The cat hurt more than my feelings when he tried to use my belly as a litter box…”

“Men’s college baseball has male groupies??? Oooooooooh boy….”

“Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home!”

“Archeology will meet its demise some day in the far-off future when they us dig up.”

“Pagans had better gods…”

“Her butting me in the butt didn’t hurt, but her butter knife in the back sure did!”

“I gave her my all, she wanted my nothing.”

"My comeback is coming back.”

“Ha!”

(“Read that three times in a row… and keep doing it, dammit!)”


“And the winner is…”

“‘Heck,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘I remember when watching the Super Bowl meant seeing lousy games and great ads.’”

“The Damage Control Patrol slapped a DNR on me!”

“If this keeps up, God will become an atheist.”

“Sure we complain about prostitutes, lawyers, and politicians, but the only ones we really hate are the jerks who tell us the truth.”

“Why don’t mature audiences watch mature stuff???”

“My brain cells phoned, said these jokes were killing them…”

“Share your misery – hug a curmudgeon!”

“Silly government! They tell you not to text and drive and then turn around and put up signs saying ‘Draw Bridge Ahead’.”

“What kind of pirate wears silver long johns???”

“And speaking of tips for the ladies: never ask a flasher to ‘hang out’.”

“The difference between the modern business person and other prostitutes and drug dealers is simple: one prefers high turnover, the other to turn over high.”

“What do you mean Extreme Napping isn’t a sport???”

“The local diner just tweeted that they’re having a hash tag sale.”

“Why isn’t ‘The Resistence’ chanting ‘ohm’?”

“I brought chocolates to drivers’ ed class to practice nonpareil parking.”

“The ‘original sin’ was eating some stupid apple?”

                     

                                      

“Nope. snakes aren’t the only ones swallowing their opposite ends.”

“Why does my driver’s seat offer lumber support?”

“I’ve been to mandatory seminars – drones kill.”

“So, they put up a sign that says ‘Caution – Wet Floor’... and then threw me out when I did!”

“That bully said she wanted to finish my appetizers, so I gave her the chicken finger and ran!”

“The fools asked me if I wanted my tires rotated. How silly! They do it all the time.”

“Let us not confuse getting ‘remarried’ with being ‘repaired’.”

“Today’s word: ‘flumoxed’.”

“Was sex safe during the Trojan War?”

“Some of us find strength in numbers, while others realize that mass stupidity is still stupidity.”

“Studio audiences terrify me…”

“Yup – just saw a foot doctor on TV wearing high heels.”

“When it comes to organized religion, those who are the most observant are the least observant.”

“Rascals rule.”

“The problem with making too much noise is that people just turn the sound off.”

“I suppose there’s some justice in the story of Jack the Ripper being continuously beaten to death?”

“The crazies always think they’re the ones who aren’t. But you and I aren’t crazy, no.”

“Different isn’t always good, but people will vote for it even if it is.”

“I need a blind dating site.”

“Straggling’s a struggle.”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when feeling ‘pumped’ had nothing to do with gas…’”

“Today’s other word: ‘eschew’.”

“Gesundheit!”

“Eschew on that!”

"I have quarry quandaries whenever I get stoned."

“I can’t pronounce ‘Mitsubusi’.”

“If everything is ‘game-changing’, then why are they all still playing the same old games???”

“Sooooo… A&E has a show called ‘Live PD’, in which viewers get to watch cops (usually of the shaved head variety?) stop, arrest, search, etc. various citizens, including for minor infractions. Is this ‘Arts’ or ‘Entertainment’?”

“There’s a new cancer treatment out there where they merely try to take the largest tumor out... and, even then, only if it’s in someone else. It’s called ‘Politics’.”

“We’ve replaced corks with twist-offs.”

“She wouldn’t talk to me, so I was the one who finally had to break the ice. But she still wouldn’t talk to me – she’d drowned.”

“He was a dumb curmudgeon, complain and simple.”

“My primal urges have become secondary.”

“Or was that sedentary?”

“Shouldn’t one ‘leave’ a leak?”

"I hate to disagree with you, but if you don’t know the difference between expressing disagreement and being a ‘troll’, you’re a troll.”

“I hate to disagree with you, but agreeing would be soooooo stupid.”

“I hate to disagree with you, but when you ‘agree to disagree’, you’re no longer disagreeing.”

“Would you agree with Simon Legree just because he told you to?”

“It was a ‘Hollywood ending’… everyone blew up.”

“Thems new ‘techie’ web-designers up the street just had the beautiful, old, stately chestnut tree on the corner cut down and removed. This not only pains the inner sense of manliness within the general vicinity of my heart, but also metaphorically assaults the very same chestnuts I do so love to share in these posts. And yet the story grows even darker still: it was a black chestnut tree. Apparently its life therefore didn’t matter??? I guess, as with the whale-oil salesmen, horse-drawn trolley coachmen, and investors in Sony betamax and/or eight-track tape players before them, they are smarter than the rest of us. Who are we to even compare their intrinsic value with that of a centuries-old tree? I mean, between software and hardwood, which has the more lasting value??? And so it goes…”

“Shorter version: ‘Twits!!!’.”

“Hey – this country was founded by people who were lost…”

“I always try to be the most patient patient in the outpatient center.”

“Colon cancer: ‘:’.”

“Satellites have transmissions?”

“The sign I saw upon leaving the medical center: ‘Thank you for making the smarter choice for care’.”

“Baby formula: ‘ a + b = c’.”

“They post dead flies on webs, too…”

“Trump invented fake realities – I saw it posted on ‘The Cloud’.”

“Speaking of giant, energy-sucking warehouses, walls are not actually cheaper at Walmart.”

“I need help describing my property. Which sounds more enticing, ‘do-it-yourself junkyard’ or ‘landscaping – Appalachian motif’?”

“I could have tried stabbing him with my broken knife, but I saw no point to it.”

“My first failed career choice was hairdressing. I think it was the blue cheese?”

“My dog was curtailed.”

“The announcer said he’d rounded the bases… but they still looked pretty square to me!”

“Never moon a werewolf.”

“Is ‘co-exist’ the best we can do???”

“Some confuse ‘resistance’ with opposition, others with ‘hissy-fits’.”

“I gave up shoplifting when it gave me a hernia.”

“Can a potato keep its eyes peeled???”

“My inner child claims he’s an orphan.”

“Am I paranoid, or is it all about me?”

“So… they tell us to say we’re free?”

“I tried going for a sharper image, but she told me it was pointless.”

“I repeat too many jokes...”

“The ship’s storage area was a thing to behold.”

“Why did the Model-T come before the Model-A?”

“I drive through rest areas to see what the rest look like.”

“Not to speak ill of the dead, but ‘Ding-Dong’ is a pretty stupid name for a witch.”

“And, speaking of square pegs in round holes, how come they box in a ring?”

“And why don’t they call it ‘hitting’?”

“(I’d have said ‘punching’, but how many pugilistic puns and punchlines can we put up with?)”

“I double-crossed a bridge.”

“After a week in the hospital, I gave up and asked the nurse for a sponge bath. Nice lady that she was, she gave it one.”

“Hey, I trying!!!”

“The ‘them’ we need to worry the most about are the ones we refuse to see in the mirror.”

“Used car dealers leave me feeling used.”

“Funny, I don’t remember being taught random stopping in driver’s ed…”

“Is Phillip what you get from a sassy groundhog?”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when spring was just around here.’”

“The sign said ‘Used Clothing Drop Off Shed’, so I opened my umbrella as soon as I got close.”

“My butt is dying! The doctor says I have a ‘goner’ rear!”

"(And that's the end for now...)"