Saturdays'

(Reflections, Refractions. and Reflunctions from an Uncommon Mind)

[WARNING: We have been informed that repeated reading of these posts may cause a computer to crash even harder than the jokes and enlightened snide commentary contained within them ever will. The publishers have considered enacting a recall, but our lawyers and doctors have suggested we all would be better off not to.]

[‘AUTHOR’S’ NOTE: “Better to end the computer age than die of old age!”]


“[P.S. - There will always be more!]”

“They never drive too slowly to run a red light.”

“Seeing Michael Strahan on The Late Show this week somehow reminded me of Dave…”

                           

“I do not understand what radical Islamists have against zinfandels?”

“A happy dog never gets blamed for anything.”

“I’d repeat myself, but then I’d be repeating myself.”

“You could just reread what I wrote, you know.”

‘Today’s word: ‘shambles’.”

“They want you to disengage. Bragging about it is your own foolishness.”

“Are our mirrors cracked… or is it us?”

“Age is a stateless mind.”

“The posted ‘Speed Limit’ isn’t really the speed limit (‘speeding’ is going a certain # of mph over it). Think about that: even our street signs are lying to us.”

“My number one problem with ‘bar trivia’ is that I am.”

“Maybe five letter words are the obscene ones?”

“Referring to someone else as ‘passive aggressive’ is passive aggressive.”

“It’s not who you are; it’s what you are.”

“Where was I?”

“Laughter is the best medicine – unless someone else is cramming it down your throat.”

“No one is less important than the one who thinks it’s all about them.”

“I can’t remember where I put my list of things not to forget. But that’s okay, as I couldn’t remember what to put on it in the first place.”

“It is a lot cheaper, safer, and environmentally sound to avoid keeping your wooden shoes in the sink than it is using dangerous chemicals to unclog it.”

“Toilets, too!”

“When I played football in high school, I left everything I had out there on the field. Sure hope someone’s cleaned it up by now…”

“Bombs ruin naps.”

“Truth is, indeed, stranger than fiction. And seriousness is a hell of a lot funnier than jokes.”

“The shortest days are the longest ones.”

“Starting the conversation only gets you as far as your turn to listen.”

“A ‘good argument’ is one you agree with, ‘preaching’ is one you don’t.”

“Where did the time go? Who cares??? I want to know if it’s coming back?”

“What are the odds…? And could it be any worse if they ran things?”

“I should have punted on first down.”

“Today’s word: ‘oops!’”

“I grew up doing my best. But I got better.”

“I had a few misgivings last Christmas.”

“A lot of terrible drivers look like nice, normal people when you finally pass them.”

“Little Johnnie blew up the whole freaking school

and most likely broke a few of the rules;

he blew up the gym, laboratory and pool…

Little Johnnie, Little Johnnie, the things that you do!”

“The most dangerous walls are the one we build within us, those others are just replicas.”

“You healthy people make me sick.” 

“If and when you ever start feeling sorry for yourself, just think of those poor elephants living in Tuscaloosa.”

“You remind me of me – I forgot I was here.”

“Always thought a ‘personal trainer’ is the one that slaps you…”

“I swear I heard my dog shouting ‘Bad owner! Bad owner!’ in the middle of the night…”

“Now let’s get back to what I consider important: The alphabet. It’s stagnant. The same old order isn’t working. It’s time for a change. I would most humbly suggest we start at the beginning, and replace ‘A-B-C’ with ‘A-C-B’. Try saying it out loud – doesn’t it sound better? ‘A-C-B-D-E-F-G…’ And it may even help with DUI stops?”

“I heard that ‘the eyes are the gateway to the soul’. Now I’m wondering if my retinas are going to heaven.”

“All those talking heads, spewing out endless blabber, they’re just a bunch of complete idiots. Me? Oh no, these are just my fingers…”

“I miss disappointing mom and dad.”

“Being proven right isn’t always something to be happy about.”

“I’m so ugly…

…my BenGay went back in the closet.

…my sex therapist pulled out a knife.

…my plastic surgeon switched to rubber.

…when I took my dog for a walk, I got a ticket for ‘Failure to Keep Owner on a Leash’.”

“My car is tired.”

“The ladies had a real sense of wherewithal about them, but a scent of ‘wherenotwithhim’.”

“Tomorrow should have skipped today.”

“My angst has anxieties…”

“My stomach and the dog are growling at each other.”

“I feel good, but she wouldn’t let me…”

“Mom was always the same, coming and going.”

“'Almel’… Wow! It really is all about me!”

 “I’m glad my kids are grown and I don’t have to explain Trump to them. Heck, I still haven’t explained Cleveland...”

“Was Confucius confused?”

“My muse has a sick sense of what is or isn’t humorous (so does my arm).”

“I’m not sure exactly all of what has filled me with such revulsion of late, but I’m pretty sure the first vulsion was nowhere near as bad…”

“Have we reached the bottom of the bottomless abyss yet?”

“Scared people think they scare people?”

“Your earplugs are melting…”

“The World Wildlife Foundation would like to thank everyone for not feeding any of today’s ‘Christians’ to the poor lions.”

“It’s only hypocrisy when I’m not the one saying it.”

“Finally remembered my name – forgot how to spell it.”

“After dinner they asked my date “Is your half-wit empty or is your half-wit full?”

“I still wanted just my dessert.”

“I’m not half the man I used to not be half of.”

“I scoff at your presumed profundities!”

“Some people’s main conceit is that they’re not.”

“Do moose have muses?”

“The shorter the jokes, the shorter people get with me. But they slap me when I go for the long ones…”

“How come you can’t go back but you can go backwards???”

“I retired and just got tired again.”

“I filed for Social Security. Had to, could get along anymore on just my social insecurities.”

“She was pretty as a picture, but I still sensed something negative about her.”

“I went to the bank to ask for a loan and now I am.”

“It seems oddly backwards to have fall in autumn when you’re much more likely to slip in winter.”

“’Why bother’ is why we’ve come to need to.”

“Sure, I’ll grab the bull by the horns… but something tells me I won’t be the one who knows how to steer.”

“Somehow ‘there were no time-outs in hockey’ just doesn’t sound as good. What will they go after next, our leather balls???”

“What’s ‘politically correct’ depends on your politics.”

“They accused him of watering down the drinks, but they had no proof.”

“Tell the joke, don’t be one.”

“What exactly is ‘half-assed’?”

“My fair-weather friends brought umbrellas.”

“What good is getting your foot in the door if it’s still in your mouth?”

“Am I correct that, until this last election, the term ‘rat race’ had something to do with work?”

“I have a suit that isn’t ready to come out of the closet.”

“I hereby announce that in 2020 I will officially enter the race for Presidency in 2016.”

“Is it over yet?”

“My biggest regret comes in a 10 point font.”

“I’m so sorry if I only offended you.”

“I know insults so devastating even the cat can’t come up with a comeback.”

“No one is happier than a miserable curmudgeon.”

“Please don’t make my day, unless it’s by making my bed.”

“He hit the post by mistake.”

“What I lack in courage I make up for in speed!”

“To whom it may concern: I will never forget you.”

“Look! I wrote a poem about you: ‘poyouem’! (the worse the joke, the more times you can tell it!)”

“Evidently, the qualifications for getting into the Electoral College are not that high…”

 “Maybe it would have all turned out better if I hadn’t flunked kindergarten?”

“Those kids were tough!”

“’Seize the day?’ Why can’t we just leave it alone and let it be happy?”

“I am my own editer.”

“I think the cats may have taught the dog how to look at me with distain…”

“’Tomorrow is another day’… Oh good, I was afraid it might not be.”

“I will wither you down to spittle with sarcasm. Be afraid!”

“I was talking with her about the good times we shared. It must have put a real lump in her throat – she started gagging.”

“I went for a walk but couldn’t find one.”

“Something tells me that other people’s misery can never be so far away that it doesn’t touch you.”

"'Seriously, ‘I’m joking’ confuses me.”

“Could butterflies in your stomach have a butterfly effect?”

“I do have standards, you know. And abnormals, too.”

“Are you still with me?”

“I don’t worry about people who refuse to read my long and winded comments. I don’t mind those who may read them and disagree with them. But those who make note of a little typo on the 333^rd line? They concern me…”

“I drew a blank. It’s ‘art’!”

“I like to keep things just to the right of what’s wrong with me (the other stuff left).”

“Humming is psychotic.”

“Skipping worries people.”

“I find Elmer Fudd befuddling.”

“I like to be by myself. It’s nice to have someone there with you to talk to.”

“Last year’s Christmas tree is starting to look a little shabby.”

“I love leaving someone with a little smile on his or her face… unless it’s because I got run over by a bus.”

“No one has stolen my identity yet. Heck, I even tried to give it to a beggar and he gave it back!”

“You’re right. I’m wrong. That makes both of us.”

“Just because someone is wrong doesn’t make you any less of an idiot for arguing with them.”

“Today’s observation: letters (look it up) are made up of words that are made up of… letters! Weird, eh?”

“Wait – isn’t ’exercising’ what certain priests do to get the devil out of people?”

“Self-help books can’t be.”

“I’d like to help, but I’m saving up for Arbor Day.”

”I gave her the finger

  she wanted my thumb,

  and told me my lyrics

  are incredibly dumb.”

“’Being right sucks.’ – Bart Simpson.”

“‘A lot of things are America’s shame.’ – Homer”

“(no, Homer Simpson)”

“My remote isn’t talking to me.”

“Relax. Even Genghis Khan took things one steppe at a time.”

“Today’s word: ‘function’.”

“I would describe this as floundering, but that would be unfair to bottom-fishing.”

“Things are finally looking up! Gosh, I love the floor...!”

“I remember when mom was wrapping Christmas presents and told me not to peek. I did, and it’s all been downhill ever since.”

“I’d claim to still fit in my old pants but, honestly, that would be quite a stretch.”

“There is no such thing as a bad joke. It’s the response that turns sour.”

“As I’ve gotten older, it seems to be taking longer and longer to feel fully awake. Right now, it’s about eight hours. If I can work that up to a full twenty-four I’d be all set.”

“Why has everyone turned into the complete opposite of who they are?”

“I have to find a means for getting the things I forget to get.”

“’She kept repeating the same thing over and over throughout our date. It reminded me of November 31.’

‘What was it?’

‘“This is not a date!” “This is not a date!”.’”

“Is getting ‘Schitt’s Creek’ in HiDef really too much to ask?”

“What a beautiful day for a morning!”

“The Theory of Relatively Everything: Time = Distance.”

“The great thing about a bottomless abyss is you don’t have to worry about crashing after you fall into it.”

“But where do you relieve yourself?”

“I wish I didn’t think in the morning. We all do.”

“I gained a great deal of perspective with age, but forgot it.”

“It’s all a commercial.”

“I’m assuming he was left behind because he wasn’t right in the head?”

“Consider the sentence ‘This is crazy’.  As in life, ‘this’ explains everything.”

“Today’s concept: ‘Mindless Repetition’.”

“Today’s concept: ‘Mindless Repetition’.”

“What’s next – don’t ask me why.”

“I haven’t been feeling myself lately.”

“Is it just me, or is no one else here?”

“See? I told you vindication doesn’t really prove anything.”

“When they told me ‘things will get better’ I didn’t realize they meant after I left.”

“There is something seriously wrong here…”

“Why do people ask you to ‘go on’ when they really want you to ‘go off’????”

“Does it matter where someone is coming from if they’re going nowhere?”

“Think about it. More than two letters and you’d probably get lost…”

“As luck would have it, I don’t have any.”

“No, I didn’t pull that one out of my ass. I had it in the back of my mind and it fell out.”

“Speaking of which, I can’t decide.”

“It appears cattle may have been grazing in my field of expertise.”

“When I played hockey, I never played hockey.”

“The map said ‘You are Here’, but I couldn’t see me.”

“Don’t worry about me. That wouldn’t improve either of us.”

“Could Beethoven play the kazoo? Huh???”

 “You don’t have to judge me. I confess.”

“As I look back over my long and largely fruitless life, I still have to wonder why so many women wrote me letters with the salutation ‘Dear John,’ when that isn’t even my name?”

“I used to think the world was driving me nuts, but then I realized I had it backwards: the nuts are driving the world.”

“I thought it was only in England that the one sitting on the right is the one steering us off a cliff.”

“If I could remember what it is I misplaced, I might be able to tell if I found it?”

“I hear ‘non’ is the French way of responding to the phrase ‘Let me put it this way’.”

“The only reason I look forward to my remaining years is because it beats looking back at them.”

“Please help me. This is compulsive.”

“My biggest mistake was listening to someone who said their only mistake was listening to someone else.”

“The youngsters these days think that saying ‘where was I?’ means we lost our train of thought, not an entire decade.”

“Sure, it’s easy to sit there and say that you aren’t going to murder someone for me… but what if I say ‘please’?”

“The good lord put me on this earth to disappoint women and my dog.”

“Every time I start to get discouraged I look at all the cars lined up at Dunkin Donuts and totally give up, instead.”

“I get confused – is your thinking an enigma or an enema?”

“It’s the thought that counts – but who’s counting?”

“Well said… better not.”

“The sun shines, but the moon polishes.”

“I left my true love, and now I’ve forgotten where.”

“Help! I’m trapped in a state of Connecticut!!!”

“Why run away when no one is going to chase you? Walk…”

“I could never survive in jail; there's too much to worry about. I mean, seriously, how can you have a ‘lock-down’ in a ‘lock-up’?”

“I’m sorry. You weren’t listening. Did I miss something?”

“When you’ve run out of songs to sing, sing the same ones over out of tune.”

“Someday everyone will say I’m right, and I’ll have to change my mind.”

“Well there you go… Please?”

“Why aren’t there more pink trucks???”

“My stream of consciousness turned out to be polluted.”

“I saw a ‘No Parking’ sign once and haven’t stopped since. Is it okay yet?”

“Today’s word: ‘distraught’.”

“Someday I’ll be in a place where everybody knows my name… the cemetery.”

“Tomorrow’s word: ‘flush’.”

“We need more superhero movies…”

“I was going to try making grandma’s stuffing for Thanksgiving, but the taxidermist wouldn’t share the recipe.”

“I’d really like to like to.”

“I set the bar so low I needed a shovel to get to my drink…

But I kept digging the scene until I met you.”

“I just don’t know anymore… Oh, wait! I never did!”

“I lost my virginity but got it back. If I ever lose you, I promise not to look.”

“Is a ‘stiff drink’ formaldehyde?”

“Are all respondents despondent? Do despots use rest stops???”

“Some people are so smart they’re too dumb to get dumb jokes.”

“It must be tough being a proctologist… you know, being the butt of all those butt jokes?”

“The Dean of Students, during one of those ‘another chance’ encounters back in college, told me I would never be a success in life.

He overestimated the competition.”

“I grew up in an exciting era. My nickname was ’Counterbalance’.”

“We’ll all be okay – all we have to do is gain some perspective, maybe step back now and then and simply stare at some random tree until we feel better. No? How about the sky? The birds did what?”

“Do the well-read ever feel blue?”

“Another year has passed and it’s time to turn the page (I’m a very slow reader).”

“People say I should stop putting myself down, but my dog begs to differ.”

“How can there be such a thing as ‘writers’ block’ when writers are people who write?”

“You know that sad, pleading look your dog gives you? It’s pity.”

“People on ‘re-sale’ sites don’t seem to be amused when you make jokes about what they’re re-selling.”

“I’m not much good at self-promotion. In fact, I’m not promotion at all.”

“‘Who moves to second the motion?’ is not a good thing to ask in a rest home.”

“They say if you really love something, you should let it go free. Being part Welsh, I love anything that goes for free.”

“Winning the ‘Most Improved Player’ award on my high school football team taught me a lesson I’ve stuck with my entire life: Start low.”

“I said ‘I hear they only call it ‘hot yoga’ because you’re the one doing it!’
She taught me a new position.”

“There seem to be more and more conspiracy theories out there, but I’m sure with a little more secrecy and a wee bit more lying and they will all go away…”

“Beauty Contests would be far more interesting if they were reversed. You know, like ditching the ‘runner-up’ thing for ‘run-over’?”

“Why do so many brilliant ‘bulbs’ make us sleep so uneasily?”

“And why do politicians and trucks make the same bleeping beeping noises going backwards?”

“It must be tough for women to decide whether to keep their maiden name or their husband’s (or a combination thereof?) when they get married. How are they to determine, that early, which family they least want to keep others from knowing they’re connected to?”

“Thanksgiving 2016 was a special one, what with so many finally getting to eat turkey instead of crow for a change, even if most nevertheless found it at least as difficult to swallow.”

“Do they call it ‘Black Friday’ because we are already in mourning for Christmas?”

“‘Is your sailboat for sale?’
‘Of course!’”

“‘If it’s all the same,’ he said, ‘I beg to differ.’”

“I took a nap, but it snuck back home while I was asleep.”

“Thanksgiving, the only day of the year we tell our relatives ‘You’re welcome.’”

“The day after Thanksgiving, when ‘Please pass the turkey’ takes on a whole new meaning for us older folks.”

“’What next?’ he asked, just after ‘who’, but before ‘when’ and ‘why’.”

“‘Let’s play Twenty Questions!’ he enthusiastically suggested, it being 3 AM, his being quite drunk, and the alternative being three times as many…”

“I was going to say something along the lines of ‘Contrarianism is a lonely art form,’ but I couldn’t agree on how to put it.”

“Unable to otherwise defend myself, I sliced him into slivers with sarcasm.”

“You, sir, have the age-old wisdom of a newborn!”

“Do they have bathrooms in heaven?”

“You call it a hangover – I prefer to refer to it as ‘a spiritual awakening’.”

“Mr. Canter arrived at the gate feeling distraught.”

“Likewise, I’m sure, but surely not wise.”

“I can’t argue with you when you’re right – we already agree.”

“What if tomorrow is just today, upside-down?”

“Today’s word: ‘frolic’.”

“’Awkward’ is an awkward word.”

“How can one be overheard yet still not listened to enough?”

“My stomach disagrees – my mind respectfully declines.”

“My conceit is that I’m not conceited. I’ll concede that.”

“A good question is the one the media doesn’t ask.”

“Of course I was right; I always am when it comes to things I choose to remember.”

“Love is blind at first sight.”

“I dated her once, but my first guess was ten years off in the wrong direction, so she dumped me.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing you at my funeral… because I won’t.”

“Somewhere along the way ‘yarn’ devolved into ‘anecdotal evidence’.”

“Maybe the top of ol’ ‘Smokey’ when it was covered with snow wasn’t the best place to go courting?”

“Sometimes I feel like the wet spot in the lap of luxury.”

“It’s not that I assume I’m always right – it’s that I presume you’re always wrong.”

“As I drove by the sub base in Groton, my mind wandered off to thoughts of what might be sub base in baseball.”

“True.”

“My house was built on a flood plain. Fancy that.”

“When my German friend tried to pronounced the Shakespearean line ‘fancy that’, I felt for sure I was about to get stung.”

“Sperm whale sperm must be huge! [insert ‘seamen’ joke here]

“I passed a truck, but couldn’t remember eating it.”

“How come sick jokes never get better?”

“Life comes in three stages, just like clothes:
    1) getting worn in,
    2) being worn, and
    3) ending up worn out.
    (Four, if you include getting tossed out.)”

“There are those who never even notice trees and those who’ll plant ones that will live for centuries after they’re gone.”

“Today’s word: ‘odd’.”

“God has better things to do than speak directly to you – you’re listening to the other guy.”

“In horse racing, people root for the horse. How come in car racing they don’t root for the engine?”

“I wouldn’t mind being Secretary of State, but it has to be Connecticut so I won’t have to get out of this recliner… and I don’t take dictation.”

“Vote for me. I’m not running. There is no election. It’s (almost) safe!”

“I have hazelnuts. I like to call them both ‘Filbert’.”

“I also admire rocks.”

“Is gobbling your turkey cannibalism?”

“Murder isn’t good for you.”

“I’ll get back to you with the latest news, Should I send it air mail or call long-distance?”

“How dare you treat my joke like it’s a joke!”

“How can something be worthless if it already is?”

“Why are vegetarians obsessed with adding flavor – or denying the lack thereof – to the blandest semi-edible foods on the planet? And even worse, with calling them ‘delicious’????”

“And how come carnivores never try to come up with a meat that tastes like broccoli?”

“Age doesn't always slow you down. In fact, I've never forgotten things faster."

“‘What’s wrong with you?’ is not an appropriate response to the sharing of my witticisms.”

“Self-absorption is absolutely my problem.”

"Don't take it as an insult – treat it as a compliment. You are that bad.”

“Panic is dumb – self-righteous panic is asinine.”

“Question cat food.”

“Where would we be today if William Shakespeare hadn’t decided he liked the sound of the names ‘Yorick’ and ‘Horacio’ better than ‘Clem’ and ‘Frank’?”

“Women have nipples???”

“The problem with the phrase ‘This proves anyone can grow up to be President’ is the ‘grow up’ part.”

“I was going to say something about contrarianism being a lonely art form, but I couldn’t agree on how to put it.”

“I’ve seen people crumble under the weight of images they’ve created for themselves. Fortunately, I begin and end with rubble.”

“I’m a ‘rubble rouser’!”

“I’ve heard birdwatching is a great hobby, but they refuse to look.”

“Being on the fence can be fatal in life and in fencing.”

“If I knew where I was going with this, I’d turn around.”

“‘Let’s agree to disagree’ is extremely passive aggressive.”

“Armageddon on.”

“Brooklyn slang can be quite useful.”

“How much better I feel getting these things out of my head is the direct inverse of how you feel hearing them.”

“America is looking more and more like the village in ‘The Prisoner’…”

“Failing is easy. Failing miserably is an art form.”

“I’d love to see a movie in which the guy leaping from building to building misses because of trying to do some stupid somersault in the process.”

“What is that odd ‘ker-bunk!’ like drum sound I hear whenever I read one of these out loud?”

“‘Unfortunate’ jokes create unfortunate listeners.”

“When Tom Thumb was on his deathbed, did he know he wasn’t long to this world?”

“I’m beginning to think that being ‘strange’ and being ‘estranged’ might be related?”

“Looking back at it now, perhaps the fight that broke out during the street hockey game at my wedding may have been a bad omen?”

“Are swallows difficult to swallow?”

“The ‘War to End All Wars’ didn’t even come close....
Lesson unlearned.”

“I hear Donald Trump thinks ‘Great’ means ‘Shiny’.”“We started out talking about the same old crap, but soon stepped in it and slipped into politics.”

“Think about it: it’s impossible for giving blow-jobs to be a side job.”

“Today’s new word: ‘Serendupedity’ – the belief that ‘it all happens for a reason’.”

“There is an age at which you stop becoming becoming.”

“Possible country song title: ‘I Tried to Drown My Sorrows, But the Puddle Was Piss’.”

“The people who know they are right usually know they are wrong.”

“She was madly in love with me until she bought a new TV and had something better to do.”

“I hit the water running and, sure enough, I drowned.”

“I’m okay with doom – it’s gloom that gets me depressed.”

“I grieve every morning.”

“The sun didn’t rise, the world rolled over.”

“There are two kind of politicians: those with no back bone and those with nothing on the end of theirs.”

“[Note to anyone who might, perchance, find themselves laughing at any of these: Please don’t explain that you are really laughing at me, or at how bad they are, or… heck, just don’t even try to explain it… please???]

“I’m not unemployed, I’m working out of my home and not getting paid for it.”

“‘Payday is like the ocean.’
‘How’s that?’
‘The money comes roaring in and then immediately gets sucked away, dragging your glee down as it goes and drowning it with it’s undertow. You look forward to it for a week or weeks, only to step on a jellyfish and have to spend that little extra and more on doctor’s bills (or use the ‘home-remedy’ and have someone pee on you). You dream of Caribbean resorts with beautiful people clad in skimpy bathing suits (or less!) and end up only able to afford one of those public sand lots packed with beached, misshapen whales in form-fitting, lime colored Spandex. Sharks!!! Your thoughts of cruising on some fancy yacht sink and you end up struggling to stay afloat. You take a long look at it and realize the tide of life is slowly running out and you’ve been left standing there amid used syringes and other flotsam. Your heart swells and then your hopes sink. And did I mention the sharks!!! ?’”

“You can’t get there from here – and that’s a good thing.”

“We are but a drop in the bucket in the wishing well of life.’

“May your season’s greetings carry more than a little extra cayenne, just for the fun of watching people try to swallow them!”

“As with oversized trucks and big guns, presume anyone making sure their stockings are well-hung probably isn’t.”

“The fact that Coke created the modern version of Santa may have something to do with why so many people still feel the urge to snort it this time of year.”

“Are you sure it was the spare change that wore a hole in your pocket?”

“‘Happiness’ is the feeling that things are getting better – ‘being happy’ is the set-up for misery.”

“Smile inappropriately... it freaks people out.”

“I had a hobby, but it escaped.”

“My offspring sprung off.”

“Isn’t most social interaction nothing more than touching people in inappropriate ways?”

“The business of America may be business, but what business is doing to America is apparently none of America’s business.”

*     *     *     *     *

SPECIAL BONUS EDITION: 

'Suggested Facebook Responses!'

“If you’d had told me you were going to make that argument, I’d have worn my hip waders.”

“Share THIS!!!”

“Cute kitten! I hope you get ringworm.”

“Nice dog! Too bad you can’t get along with people.”

“I have a good mind not to delete you or your comments… so that everyone else can see what an idiot you are, too.”

“Hey, Facebook, have I told you where to share your ‘suggested pages’???”

“Oh, good. Happy fucking faces…”

“How did someone as dumb as you ever graduate from Twitter?”

“I sincerely hope you weren’t trolling for a compliment…”

“This reminds me of the time when I didn’t have to waste my time reading what you say.”

“It’s a good thing you misspelled every other word, or I might have taken you for a moron.”

“Alas! I sigh…”

“Your profile pic looks suspiciously less than human.”

“I think I see your point: why reread everything I said when you can just ask me to repeat it again so you can ignore it yet one more time?”

“Oh… Great… Crappy music… Sooooo glad you shared…”

“Do you disappoint everyone in real life, too?”

“My mistake – I was thinking.”

“Too bad Facebook doesn’t have a ‘stupid’ filter.”

“Thank you so much for your ever so generous contribution to this discussion. We will forward it straight away to someone who will greatly appreciate it. How would you like it sent back?”

“Great source! Is that where all you idiots get your ideas?”

“Oh no! Don’t delete me! Please, please don’t delete me!!!”

“Wow… my computer’s ‘Stupid Input’ light just started flashing like crazy!”

“I’m sorry – your comment didn’t post… could you please try posting it again? Nope – still nothing. Try it once more… Darn, still can’t see it. Maybe if you hit ‘Post’ three or four times in a row? Geez, it still isn’t coming through. Perhaps you should try a few more times, lest your wisdom escape us?”

"Yup.........."

[author's Note: I actually used the last one}

*     *     *     *     *

“Igniting anger makes me giddy.”

“The level of derangement can be measured by the number of days that pass before the subject party returns to an otherwise tired and worn-out discussion just to repeat what they already said at least three times, only with more insults thrown in.”

“Most self-declared ‘victims’ are actually the opposite.” 

“Why don’t we skip pro sports and just televise the tantrums?”

“I was in a duel once, but counted to ten, decided a long walk made a lot more sense, and kept going as fast as I could.”

“The greatest life-saving drug in use today is probably the Tryptophan in our Thanksgiving turkeys. Just think of the number of domestic homicides we’d have but for it!”

“Only in America can we watch four minutes of ads, a punt, and then another four minutes of ads, and call it ‘exciting!’”

“I have finally recovered from my divorce! (damn dog had pulled the covers off!)”

“As luck would have it, it got a restraining order against me.”

“The good news is that my dog just spoke its first human word to me, making him a potential media sensation and me potentially rich! The bad news is it was ‘asshole’, and would only get bleeped.”

“Thumbs are funny.”

“When I went missing as a kid they organized a ‘not search party’.”

“We’d be so much more interesting with tails.”

‘Today’s word: ‘discombobulated’.

Tomorrow’s word: ‘recombobulated’.”

“The dog just reminded me: I have to run to the dump.”

“My office threw me a ‘Wish You Were Going Away’ party.”

“Were Adam and Eve Cain’s enablers?”

“I chase pipe dreams. My dog chases sticks.”

“My train of thought got derailed in Sheboygan.”

“Don’t throw a tantrum every time your hissy doesn’t fit.”

“I’m beginning to think the ship of state might be rigged…”

“If we can have college courses on ‘Brit Lit’, why not ‘Twit Wit’???”

“Mmmmm… ‘erection’ – ‘ear infection’… Probably meaningless, but should a certain part of your male anatomy get infected, might it not be safest to cover your ears, just in case…?”

“‘Dismal’ is starting to look good.”

“I remember, back when I was a wee little lad, feeling so cheerful when mom asked ‘Who used up all the laundry detergent?’ Heck, I even burped a few bubbles!”

“Some ‘typos’ are really ‘brainos’.”

“The cat just licked a postage stamp and stuck it on my forehead.”

“I don’t understand why people ‘reply’ to my comments. I mean, why bother when everything worth saying has already been said?”

“The best way to get two-year-old’s and Trump to do something is to ask them not to.”

“How come people ‘destroyed’ in Facebook posts always come back unharmed?”

“I don’t trust anybody who agrees with me.”

“My internal clock is running counter clockwise. And if you’re too young to know what that means, you’re too young to get the joke, anyway.”

“I loved her from afar. She dumped me from even farther.”

“If you combine the question of ‘if…’ with a responding ‘lie’, you get ‘life’… Does that blow your mind, or what?”

“My father, who only had nine toes, was better at math than I ever have been or will be… with all ten.”

“Those who don’t think enough assume others think too much.”

“I put a potato on my couch, but it apparently doesn’t know how to turn on the TV. I’ll keep watching it, just in case…”

“My neighbors keep posting updates about how they can’t move away fast enough…”

“My older brother kept telling everyone considering buying my parents’ house everything that, in his mind, was wrong with it – but outside of his mind it was really mostly him.”

“How twisted is it that you can’t go back, but you can go forward facing backwards?”

“My brain is my second most useless organ.”

“They claimed the two simultaneous robberies may have been related, but I think it was only coincidence.”

“I often wonder what the extreme Right is up to. My guess is about 332 AD.”

“It’s time to reinvent shorts. Seriously, it’s gotten to be way too long.”

“Why can’t women or my mirror see the real me?”

“How come people who say you don’t have time to waste accuse you of wasting it?”

“I seem to have reached the point in life where my only hope for a bright future involves cremation…”

“Why do they always wait until after you’ve invested all your effort and determination forcing yourself to thank someone before they tell you ‘Don’t mention it’????”

“My heart burns for you.”

“There’s Noel in Christmas.”

“Do perfectionists try to do the best they can at doing things worse?”

“Whoever said ‘silence is golden’ didn’t have a Golden Retriever.”

“Everyone finally shut-up… and I still can’t hear myself think!”

“I’m going to take all the parts I’ve found lying there after I’ve finished working on my cars over the years and build a new one.”

“Why do I feel dysfunctional at social events?”

“I gained twelve pounds watching exercise videos.”

“Why not just use lozenges to sooth the savage beast?”

“I can barely wait to go to that nudist… heck, even I still have enough self-respect to finish that one!”

“Okay, water, why is it rain ‘drops’ but faucets ‘drip’???”

“She said she’d never forget me, or having that rotten tooth pulled in third grade.”

“I hope I wake up in time for my nap.”

“I went on ‘Tinder’ and discovered two things: 1) There is nobody near me, and 2) They think I live in New York City.”

“I use conditioner on my hair. Heck, why not pamper the poor guy?”

“The good thing about being tone deaf is no one can tell that you are tune dumb!”

“Winning is for losers.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think I knew better.”

“Wow! Everybody is crazy!”

“Isn’t putting the rack in the oven overdoing the whole torture thing a wee bit?”

“Yes it was a low blow, but it sure made my toe happy!”

“‘Jolly’ is creepy.”

“New country tune: ‘You May Have Lost Your Lustre, But I Still Lust for You’.”

“Have the natives on Gilligan’s Island come out of hiding yet?”

“I was feeling frisky, and now I reek of tuna.”

“Some people raise children, others raise little commotions.”

      “I thought I’d think,
       but then I thunk;
       that’s when I knew
       the boat had sunk.”

“I’ll consider anything that’s relatively relevant, but only because it’s family.”

“Some of us peak by reaching bottom.”

"Dear Tony Bennett:
  'I left my artichoke hearts in with the sandwich pickles, 
        (right under the leftovers?)
  Probably dills, it seems to me.
  And my little capers jar, is in the back, but way too far.
  And the anchovies are right there, but I don’t dare…'”

“He may never have gotten married, but he had a few near misses.”

“Sometimes conspiracy theories are a conspiracy theory.”

“It’s been a ‘Long, Dazed, Journey Through My Life’.”

“When I ran away from home my wonderful parents reacted quite swiftly. But then, they’d probably bought those new locks ahead of time, just in case?”

“I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear’ (having skipped straight to ‘terror’).

“My computer won’t look at me.”

“Today’s word: ‘peculiar’.”

“One begins to wonder why ‘Facebook’ isn’t Assbook’…”

“How come the only ones talking in Viagra ads are younger women?”

“The buck stops deer.”

“Being set up upsets me.”

“When it comes to double rhythms, he’s the drummer to beat.”

“They served a cease and desist order on him at his funeral, but the deceased don’t exist.”

“Why doesn’t ketchup drop down in the jar?”

“She was so hot my libido melted.”
“My view of the game was marred by a giant wave of stupidity that encircled the crowd…”

“The Pillsbury Doughboy is my role model.”

“I haven’t hit bottom, but mom sure did!”

“My teams hold onto a lead as if it were lead.”

“I’ve made a few mistakes… but mostly blunders.”

“My body asked me for a divorce.”

“I asked her for her hand, so she slapped me.”

“My wanderlust was mostly wonder lost.”

“She was feeling poorly. but he liked it!”

“I sat down and wrote the great American novel. Honestly, I did. Four lousy words and then complete writer’s block.”

“I’ll say one thing for writer’s block, it creates a great opening for all those run-on sentences.”

“He dropped the ball when he name-dropped Lucille’s.”

“My having wilted under the pressure of her demands that I ‘make her melt’, she left in search of a better match.”

“Apparently being clueless is the key to figuring everything out.”

“We vote to mark our territory?”

“Shrills and Chumps share way too many attributes.”

“Todays’ word: ‘tantrum’.”

“Today’s brilliant idea: ‘                  ’.

“We are the emoticons, my friend.”

“Some of us are merely twisted, others wrung dry.”

“Laugh with others and at yourself. Otherwise you are exhibiting exactly the type of inappropriate laughter that's been freaking everyone out.”

“Nursing babies react to an udder shutter with an utter shudder.”

“Speaking of complex variants on ultimately altruistic themes… I’m not.”

“You may not mean to disagree, but, apparently, you’re too mean not to?”

“I use ground marijuana to spice up all of my holiday cooking. ‘Tis the seasoning to be jolly!”

“Am I nuts, or would ‘Tsumai’ make a great name for a candy bar?”

“Please do not answer that last one, especially if your answer comes in the form of a joke about my being ‘nuts’.”

“It just occurred to me that drip coffee might be target marketing?”

“I love flirting with the nice ladies at the grocery store. Mass shopping cart collisions caused by extreme panic are very exciting!”

“Repeat after me: ‘Repeat after me’.”

“I put my roast in the oven… but could still hear them insulting me.”

“Let’s stop all this mindless yapping about undermining the Electoral College and/or Impeachment etc. etc. etc. It’s silly. All we have to do is have someone yell ‘You’re FIRED!!!” and he’ll leave. Trust me, he doesn’t know any better…”

“Asking to borrow her car got me nowhere.”

“My parents taught me a great deal about the true meaning of Christmas, such as how presence of mind are supposed to be better than real ones.”

“My older brother sat there and slowly snapped every single one of my little knight figurines in half, to ‘teach me a lesson’. It did.”

“[Note – Should anyone be having a difficult time deciphering which of these quips might be real/serious ones, it’s actually quite simple: If you’re giggling, that’s them.]”

“‘Where was I?’ he asked, praying he could go back.”

“It seems the only thing we learn from mistakes is that we don’t.”

“New word: ‘sarchasm’ – that empty feeling you get in your gut when you’re not sure if someone is just being sarcastic.”

“‘Why won’t everyone else shut-up and listen to me?’ he shouted.”

“I have zero interest in attaining power – only in keeping you from doing so.”

“Some people look at life and see an endless series of jokes. Others just one big one.”

“Unless, of course, they see it in the mirror…”

“I fell in love once… and had to go home and shower.”

“‘What would Jesus do?’????
Do you mean before or after he pulled his hair out?”

“Just listen to what I’m saying; you will be so much happier! (That’s because I’m writing it, not stating it out loud)”

“Does ‘please’ have to be plural?”

“What’s so complex about apartments?”

“Police officers returning to the station at the end of their shifts should use their sirens.”

“I only drink regular coffee, lest I not be.”

“Gnus aren’t.”

“‘Motive’ – The opposite of one’s stated objective.”

“Thank you for teaching me that ‘thank you’ can be sarcasm.”

“Love may be the only thing you can lose at without ever finding it.”

“A politician is someone who steps forward to take us backward.”

“I don’t believe she was interested in my proposal. As soon as I dropped to my knees. she kneed me with hers.”

“And. speaking of kneeing, there has to be an easier way to make bread?”

“That online course in archeology really paid off! I can see my kitchen counter again!”

“My being single is far better for everyone than my being multiple could ever be.”

“I don’t put myself down – I already am.”

“When she told me she was expecting, she really meant to leave as soon as she claimed to be.”

“When your ‘you’re’ is ‘ur’, you’re the problem, ur, ur.”

“I thought it normal for my dog to want me to throw him a ball… until he came downstairs in a prom dress…”

            

“Why can’t we script each other?”

“Please don’t – it doesn’t please.”

“I questioned authority, but it refused to answer.”

“What’s the ‘right’ way to rub you?”

“The best way to ruin someone else’s date is to ask them if the ointment worked.”

“How can you be totally selfish?”

“I get gleeful when the Post Office delivers my mail to the right neighborhood.”

“‘GMO Labelling for Dummies’: Your butter doesn’t melt and those flavorless apples you sliced up last week still haven’t turned brown.”

“If you did what you have the overwhelming urge to do every time someone made a ‘cereal killer’ joke, you’d be one.”

“Can you punch someone with your pacifist?”

“Elections are like beauty contests: they always end up ugly.”

“Is it too late to get a refund?”

“No? Then let me repeat that last joke…”

“‘What the…???!!!???’ is a pretty open question.”

“We can start over, sure, but we’ll still end up under.”

“His argument was so weak he had to shout it.”

“Asteroids – Hemorrhoids… Is there a connection???”

“I think the dog has been sleeping on the couch. The dang sofa just had puppies.”

“I tried to turn on the TV, but it had a headache. So I cheated on it and went out on a hot date with my laptop.”

“I stopped, looked, and listened. Then, sure enough, it was a train that ran me over.”

“No, ‘mass transportation’ isn’t nuns in a bus.”

“So what if they’re the same – mine’s better!”

“I think my liver’s drunk.”

“Next time there’ll be a better next time.”

“I vacuumed up the fur ball, but it turned out to be the cat.”

“Baseball and drinking don’t mix. How can you be on the bag when you’re half in it?”

“Today’s word: ‘spit’.

“You mean an empty lot to me.”

“I don’t care the least bit who anyone else is in love with, as long as it isn’t me.”

                  "Lost Love"

   "I’d love to live another year
    but not, I fear, with you, my dear.
    You fill my heart and soul with fear
    and, like my mug, they’re more endeared to beer.

    Sheer terror makes my stomach queer
    (not ‘gay’, but like the end is near,
    I see it in the rearview mirror
    with eyes as clear as a frightened deer’s).

    Here! Here! I say (and do not jeer!),
    at my ale I’ll leer and not shed a tear
    at not having you screaming in my ear
    veering through another year

    With you, dear.”


“How does one actually get ‘into a pickle’?”

“‘Weather permitting’ is but another example over over-regulation.”

“An eye for an eye, Captain!”

“Were I at all musically inclined (sigh) enough to form a band, I would name it ‘The Couch’… and everyone would end up coming to see us every Friday night!”

“Apparently, Congress wants to decide what ‘news’ is real for us. How could that go wrong???”

“There are two types of crazies: 1) The interesting ones who spread paranoid theories and live and breathe absolutely insane, nut-job ideas, and 2) The boring ones who believe everything they see and hear on TV.”

“As soon as the lights went out she started horsing around. What a nightmare!”

“I didn’t fall of the wagon – I leapt!”

“I knew my relationship with mom had hit bottom as soon as she did.”

“(The last one was repeated… but so were the spankings?)”

“I took a thirty second time-out… and she wanted to know where I’d been.”

“What cable really needs is ‘The Hippy Channel’.”

“She must have really hated my cooking, she left over the leftover turkey.”

“What if bacon only says it was cured???”

“I went and saw a ham on stage. Very boring. All it did was sit there.”

“We tried our best to make do but, there being two of us, all we came up with is do do.”

“Why do dumb jokes make some people smart?”

“Don’t get testy – you’ll flunk.”

“One has to go pretty far in the wrong direction to reach god by going through a politician.”

“He made an honest living as a crooked lawyer.”

“My greatest failure as a defense attorney was trying to do it with conviction.”

“Next!”

“Quicksand would work better if it was.”

“Beware of sharp instruments and blunt barbs.”

“Knowing nothing to speak of never stopped anybody.”

“Two of our greatest flaws are 1) assuming we are experts, and 2) presuming the experts are.”


                       “All About the ‘Watch Out!!!’ Hour
                    (An ode to the 2016 election season)

 ‘There must be some way out of here,’ said the smoker to the meat,
 ‘there’s too much confusion, I can’t begin to see.
 Help me, man, don’t sit and whine about our ‘just desserts’!
 We have lost all sense of time, and damn, this really hurts!’

 ‘It’s too late to be extracted,’ the meat began to smoke,
 ‘No one cares enough about us, we are doomed to coal and coke.
 You and I are cooked right through, and too burnt to even taste,
 the thermometer was reading falsely, now they’ll call us both ‘the late…’’

 Once, before the ‘Watch Out!!!’ hour, the meat was meant for stew,
 but the minutes came and went, and now it wouldn’t do.
 Outside, but not too distant, some wild cat was being mauled
 by writers who were indignant in their hypocrisy, most foul!”

“Thank you, for your support.”

                  

                     *     *     *     *     *

       FRIDAY NIGHT SPECIAL EDITION!

  

                     ‘The Incident’

“There I was, setting a low bar at the local bar…”

“I tried holding my liquor, but it kept leaking out.”

“I didn’t realize how drunk I was until they told me the guy I was talking to had left an hour ago.”

“There was no way they should have let me get in my car and try to drive home. But, in all fairness to them, they probably didn’t see me crawling out?”

“I got stopped as soon as I ran into the first roadblock. Probably would have missed it if I hadn’t been driving in reverse. Silly me – I’d thought the ‘R’ stood for ‘Return Home’…”

“As soon as I saw the nice police officer’s uniform I asked if he could take me to the fifth floor.”

“He tried to confuse me right off the bat by asking for my ‘licentious legislation’.”

“I guess it didn’t help when I got confused and called the officer ‘mom’… but they do have similar mustaches…”

“When he asked me my name. I said ‘Don’t you know who I am???’ He replied ‘No, sir, I’m afraid I don’t recognize you.’ ‘Darn!’ I said, ‘Neither do I!’”

“That’s when he told me to step out of the car. Then he asked me to get up off the ground. I got upset and shouted “Damn it, Occifer, make up your mind!’”

“He asked me to recite the alphabet backwards. I did – ‘tebahpla eht’. Too smart for my own good…”

“When he had me walk heel-to-toe, he really should have explained he meant using both feet.”

“What probably did me in was when I got nervous, climbed back in through the driver’s side window, and tried to paddle away…”

“At that point he announced he was arresting me for Driving Under the Influence… The rest is hysteria.”

“I was placed in a cruiser and taken down to the station, where they asked me to take a breathalyzer. I grabbed one and ran!”

“They said I had one phone call. Unfortunately, that old craving for pizza kicked in…”

“When they took me to court the next day things got really ugly. Like the judge. I told him how really ugly he was and he threw the book at me. I ducked, but then he hit me with Contempt… and slapped me with a fine. As if that wasn’t enough, he tossed in a few jabs of sarcasm! That’s what really hurt.”

“At that point, my lawyer leaned over and whispered in my ear that it would cost another ten grand just to get him to stop pretending he didn’t know me.”

“I can accept that the jury ultimately found me guilty, but that they didn't even wait for the trial to start first still upsets me a little.”

“But I learned my lesson: ‘Always have a designated driver with you... and, if or when a cop decides to stop you, hit him with it!”

“Cheers!!!”

                    *     *     *     *     *

“Batting over .300 is great in baseball… and miraculous with these.”

“The less the snow, the greater the panic… soon we’ll be raiding the grocery stores in July?”

“Why is it that the faster the Internet gets the more times we have to click – carefully – to get to where we want to go?”

“And, speaking of The Great Electronic Common Voice in Peril of Censorship and Worse by the Government, Major International Corporations, and the Crooks Who Run Both, here is Observation #37,398 on political posts: The more days that have gone by after a particular thread has worn itself out, the more likely that anyone jumping in is not only an idiot, but a totally deaf idiot with nothing all to say… and a pathetic willingness to try to insult people in the process.”

“The answers failed us… Let’s try them again!!!”

“Are sex offenders who claim they have ‘reformed’ truly cured, or only deluded?”

“Better to be tasteless than bitter?”

“I have no idea why she called the police on me over a few thousand silly love letters…”

“My bed dumped me.”

“You make ugly look good.”

“My age has become an era.”

“I asked the lady at the grocery store for a recyclable bag – she told me to use the one on my head.”

“The shining mansion on a hill turned out to be an outhouse in a swamp.”

“Are kayaks just a cover-up for no one else wanting to go in your boat?”

“I’m so lazy, rigor mortis is too rigorous for me.”

“I tried using a stiff arm back when I played football in high school, but coach made me take it back to the funeral home.”

“She was so ugly, when I told her she reminded me of my mom, my mom slapped me.”

“I tried to redecorate for Christmas, but there were too many needles to glue back on.”

“My therapist told me I was getting better, but then I paid my bill and needed his help again.”

“I tried to stick to the job at hand, I really did. But I ended up slipping off into a nap anyway…”

“I resent the letters she keeps sending back.”

“Today’s word: ‘frolic’.”

“Too much denial leaves you tied up in nots.”

“He refused to go to the dump and thus ended up dumped there anyway.”

“I tried to appear composed, but ended up looking composted. Yes, by the time I was done my looks were pretty much mulch.”

“The morning weather person was especially gleeful so she had no real choice but to convince herself she felt ecstatic the entire rest of the day.”

“It rained.”

“Today’s bonus second word: ‘flotsam’.”

“Advice (unsolicited, as most is): Don’t be where you need beware, and don’t be long where you don’t belong, don’t be leaving what you believe. and behave near bee hives, or you’ll get stung.” 

“I have an elegy allergy… especially to my own.”

“Updated Pogo saying: ‘We have seen the enemy and refuse to admit it is us!’.”

“If you can frequent a restaurant, you should be able to occasional one, too… right?”

“I won the steeplechase! (Dumb thing never moved.)”

“You never lose a well-founded argument.”

“I gave her my number… and she added ten decimal places to it.”

“‘I’ve had it!’ she screamed, trying to scare away the germaphobe.”

“Let’s face it: it’s time to turn around.”

“Other than that stray bullet, I didn’t have a lot going for me."

“She reset the mood to doom.”

“What good are dumbbells if you can’t even hear them ring?”

“I swear I don’t curse.”

“After having gone through a divorce, I now tend to get mediators and matadors confused. Don’t they both have something to do with bullfights?”

“If you really hated hate, you wouldn’t.”

“It was a rear end collision. The ass was parking too close, and she was climbing out of her car.”

“‘I hope you don’t mind the picture in my mind…’

Slap!”

“I love the mist on the water.”

“(That’s it… I really do)”

“Sailors are extremely skillful. They can consume a drink and then somehow still fall into it.”

“Now that I think about it, all those ‘far fucking out!’ comments my therapist kept making should have clued me in that he was getting stoned for our sessions….”

“I was just thinking, you know, that what with the rollercoaster car we’ve been riding in having gone of the tracks and all… I’m sorry, but… well... might it not be a good time to get the hell out of it???”

“Ever wonder how many climate change deniers are actually investing in snowmobile companies???”

“Recreation – The lame attempt to start over in a life of leisure.”

“‘How’s that new pool table?’

‘I got rid of it. It really sucked.’

‘How’s that?’

‘Everything I served on it just floated away.’”

“How can a left turn be the right turn?”

‘If you are bound to fall anyway, at least look before you leap… or loll about before you lunge, using the extra time to take a few hits from a bottle to make you plunge drunk.”

“That hurt me more than it hurt you, so I shared it!”

“Is there such a thing as a rat racist?”

“There is a tied knot in the affairs of man.”

“Misfortune – me gambled.”

“I like to hit on hostile hostesses when they’re hot… until they hit back.”

“When faith falters, blame belief, they do.”

“I longed to linger longer, although the longer I lingered the stronger became her unbecoming lunge toward anger. I thought a lot about how I ought to leave her alone with her lingering urge to leave me something along the lines of murdered… At long last, knowing I didn’t belong and I wouldn’t be long for this world if I lingered longer, I left.”

“As soon as I heard there was a bounty on my head, I remembered where I had left the paper towels!”

“I remember when itching to get something done had nothing to do with hemorrhoids.” 

“I did my laundry. I was that lonely.”

“Do cats fart?”

“Forget it, they don’t even use elevators…”

“He got busted for bust lust on the bus.”

“I should have recognized it as a bad omen when someone asked me ‘What are you in for?’ at my wedding reception…”

“I have no pride. Even lions hate my jokes.”

“Bipartisanship – ‘Oh goody, war!!!’”

“When proper speakers sneeze, do they spread inflections???”

“Archery was quite painful… until they told me I was putting the arrows in backwards.”

“No wonder the whole world’s twisted! If you look at it from the top it’s spinning the opposite way as it is if you look at it from the bottom… (Is that deep, or what?)”

“Some people long for the frontier – I hide in the back tier.”

“If Trump becomes an emperor, would that make him an Orange Julius?”

“He doesn’t ‘share’ his thoughts – he allows them to escape.”

"My doctor says I should lose weight and my dentist says I should floss... Which is it???”

“Drive-by shootings are incredibly dangerous. You should keep your hands on the wheel at all times.”

“Sure, I took more than my fair of lumps along the way… before I gave up dating.”

“Cheap? Heck, I leave complimentary mints on the pillow as tips for the hotel maids.”

“How come taxes get shelters and poor dopes like me are left out standing in the rain?”

“A bus just went by with flashing lights saying ‘Not in Service’. It must think I’m really dumb.”

“I’m so cowardly I could outrun a yellow light!”

“I like to get high on the subway – just to fuck with my head.”
                            “Ahem!

     Heidi diddled
     in the cathouse fiddling
     and some dish ran away with the coke spoon,
     my little dog barked and was up half the night
     until some fat cow started flashing her moon.”


“They banged the drum slowly… and still made too much of a racket for me to sleep.”

“Traffic jams would be a whole lot more fun if I drove a tank.”

“Somehow, saying ‘What’s a little disgrace between friends?’ didn’t help the situation at all.”

“I would so like to thank that moron in front of me for slowing down and letting that school bus enter the road.”

“Is Geritol a fossil fuel?”

“This uniquely American, macho businessman thing is silly.”

“I came in peace and left in pieces.”

“I feel like an earthworm in the puddle of life.”

“The grass may be greener on the other side of the hill, but that's because it's homegrown.”

“Waiting to see what Trump is going to do in the office is like taking the dog for a walk.”

“The mail came, but the female left.”

“Is awkward a direction?”

“I fell for her. How was I to know she had the place booby-trapped?”

“How come our feet have corns, but not our ears?”

“They sent me to the proctologist to have my head examined…”

“I took a shower, but they caught me, and now I have to be careful bending over to pick up the soap in it.”

“If you get my jokes, call a doctor.”

“If you're still laughing after four hours, it’s too late to call a doctor.”

“Can you catch a social disease from Miss Etiquette?”

“If only vegetarians could use Spam to add flavor to their dishes…”

“The illustrious illustrator got ill and lost his luster’”

“I'm so out of shape, it takes me 40 minutes to do 20 minutes on an exercise machine.
(My therapist helped me with that one)”

“Should I ask my therapist if I should sue my therapist for malpractice?”

“When the doctor said I wouldn't be long to this world, I thought he meant I was dying.”

“Life is that brief moment in time between the Grand Opening and the Super Close-Out.”

“The next time you feel the urge to go shooting your mouth off, please do it before you do.”

“It couldn't have been me; I would never call you that to your face.”

“I could never do stand-up. It requires a skill I don't have: courage.”

“The noise of battle can be very confusing. Richard III was actually trying to swap his kingdom for some prostitutes.”

“Today’s word: ‘discombobulated’.”

“Tomorrow’s word: ‘recombobulated’.”

“No one ‘forces’ me to do anything… but sometimes I voluntarily submit pursuant to acute suggestion.”

“Whoever came up with the slogan ‘Farm Fresh!’ had obviously never smelled a farm.”

“Hell is an eternity of motivational posters. ‘Complete Hell’ is when they contain lists.”

“If you can’t figure out something that’s already plain and simple, ex-plaining isn’t going to help.”

“Hang in there! You’ll eventually get to one you’ll have to pretend isn’t clever!”

“My Id is odd.”

“The secret to creating these things is to do it with your glasses off so you can’t see what you’re writing.”

“I would love to see you again. But first you have to leave.”

“I’ll promise to bring flowers to your funeral… if you can guarantee there be a hot mourner there to give them to.”

“I was alone and completely in the dark, until they turned the lights off.”

“I got a great deal when I bought the little yellow book with the sayings of Chairman Mao in it - they threw in the entire 36 volume set of the sayings of Mrs. Mao, for half price!!!”

“And. speaking of that notoriously ruthless and murderous former Chinese leader, when he told people his name at cocktail parties, did people pat him on the head and say ‘Nice kitty!’???”

“I repeated myself, but I still came out the same.”

“A funny thing happened on my way here, and it wasn’t any of my jokes.”

“I got to the punch line and she punched me.”

“I wasn’t sure what to get everyone for Christmas, but someone suggested putting an end to these might be nice?”

“Does Davey Jones have nightmares about losing the combination to his locker?”

“It will only get more confusing if they start allowing prisoners to marry each other.”

“I hear being a suicide bomber is a real blast… but joking about it isn’t?”

“Sure, we were in a crowded bar when she slapped me… but it reminded me so much of how much I miss my mother that what else could I do but turn around, lower my drawers, bend over, and ask her to slap me again?”

“Subtle racists are always outraged by outright ones. Same with crooks and pedophiles.”

“The greatest threat to our freedoms is an owned Press.”

“(I like to add a serious comment or two now and then just to remind me that it isn’t just my jokes that aren’t funny!)”

“Will Trump be signing bills, or stamping them in a hissy fit?”

“I was very impressed with everything he told me about his pig… right up to where he said ‘Put that in your pipe and smoke it!’ I mean, I’d had a hard enough time trying to get the last one to hold still long enough to get it onto the spit.”

“Here’s something I learned the hard way: never visit a shoeshine stand barefoot.”

“He was a sour ass right up to the bitter end.”

“Speaking of bitter end, did she mention whether she liked it?”

“Some say these quips are going downhill – others that they’ve leapt straight into the abyss.”

“She said ‘Don’t mention it’, so I did.”

“‘Explain’ – Why divorced her.”

“I bared my soul. She covered me with a tarp.”

“Are narcissistic cannibals too full of themselves?”

“Does one feel their wild oats before sowing them? And does it even matter if they’re just going to end up in haggis, anyway?”

“Which leads me to the horrific inquiry: How do you feel about haggis? (And do you recommend wearing gloves?)”

“Let me explain: I’m part Scottish. These ‘people’ also eat blanched hockey pucks. And they drink single malt Scotch… but only because they’re too cheap to buy two.”

“I want you to know that the high turnover rate amongst my deceased ancestors is entirely because of me.”

“Can one dance on his or her own grave?”

“I wrote and submitted a murder mystery set in a vacant cemetery, but the publisher rejected it, saying it was lacking in plot.”

“Kilts kill – which is why you never see any Scottish drunks lying face-up in the gutter.”

“‘Communication’ – The art of using linguistic hubris and remote or ‘cute’ dialect so as to ensure that y’all never know we aren’t really saying anything.”

“I’m so pathetic, my hang-ups are hung-downs…”

“My comments may not have been complimentary, but her slap sure was!”

“Mom always told me to turn the other cheek… right after she spanked the first one.”

“Strange how we didn’t stop seeing each other until someone turned on the light…”

“No tattoos, but I do have the slogan ‘Brand Spanking New!’ ironed into my butt.”

“Sometimes piercing screams lead directly to earrings.”

“Where does one buy time?”

“Why waste a day when you have your whole life in front of you?”

“Toads have odd looking stools.”

“In the theater of life, no one really wants to play the civilized twit when the role of rogue barbarian is still open.”

“Please save me from myself… I’m catching up!!!”

“‘Career’ – A lifetime of yearning for earnings.”

“(Don’t encourage me – I might share the whole Dictionary!)”

“Life is a rollercoaster… which explains all the careening careers and overall sense of nausea.”

“I was, of course, kidding when I told my kids my sweet and wonderful mom used to call me a ‘fat little slug’...
She never said I was little…”

“One doesn’t ‘steal’ a joke; one ‘borrows’ it and then neglectfully forgets to return it.”

“Quick! Out-idiot the idiots! That’ll fool ‘em!!!”

“I didn’t see it coming… or I would have cancelled the date.”

“I hear sheep are suing the voters for defamation.”

“Never trust anyone who thinks you’re stupid enough to trust them… even if you are.”

“Sometimes I have this urge to bring a airhorn to cocktail parties, just to make people jump. Do you suppose that’s why I’m never invited to any???”

“I’m not much of a social animal. Antisocial animal… yes. Which explains this dumb-ass joke.”

“(I told myself that one and found it quite hilarious!)”

“The Christmas Spirit: Declaring war on those who don’t celebrate Christmas.”

“I’ll have a hell of a time when I get to heaven.”

“Dear ‘Christians’: Did Jesus regret that he had but one life to give for your sins?”

“I don’t dig the indignant.”

“Why are we all hiding?”

“I confess! Yes, I shot him down with the stagnant stench of my inebriated breath… but I didn’t know I was loaded!”

“I can’t quite figure out exactly what it is that makes June say ‘Kwa’?”

“There were so many crows out that, just for one brief moment, I thought for sure I was trapped in a Boston parking garage.”

“I lost consciousness immediately upon that lovely young ‘lady of the evening’ giving me a spiked punch.”

“Speaking of ‘ladies of the evening’, I’m pretty sure that’s not what they turn out to be in the morning?”

“If they ever invent a stupidity filter, we’re all done for.”

“I’m so glad the guy who yelled ‘Five!!!’ when I yelled ‘Fore!!!’ got hit in the head with my golf ball.”

“Nothing’s quite as wonderful as a room full of beautiful bouncing babies! (isn’t Helium great?)”

          “The morning wakes me with a grin…
          I think it wants to do me in?”

“America… where everyone has fun pretending to be having fun!”

“Max Sennett warned us about this!!!

                         *     *     *     *     *     *

“I’m turning sixty-two… Oh well, I guess I had to reach middle age sometime…”

“Wait… They say ‘You’re only as old as the post they nail you on’… I’m Volume 30!!!”

“Rats. Reality just slapped me across the face (mirrors got hands?).”

“I can’t wait to show all my old friends how I’ve outlived them!”

“Oh my god!!! I’m almost old enough to be ‘quaint’!!!!!!”

“In fact, I’m so old my birthdays have caked.”

“There was the time when I showed up uninvited for my own birthday celebration, inverted the scene and reversed the mood.”

“I may not be getting wiser with age, but my ass sure is!”

“With there having been no candles or cake available, they lit me on fire and told me to blow myself out.”

“I must be getting older – all my fair-weather friends have turned into fairly weathered ones.”

“Another sign I’m ‘getting there’: they send my computer updates to slow it down for me.”

“I’d celebrate my birthday, but I’m so old I can’t remember where I put it…”

“Mom apparently recovered very quickly from giving birth to me. They say she made it two blocks before anyone could catch her.”

“They must be planning a surprise birthday party for me – I haven’t heard anything about it…”

“I asked my kids if they were planning anything special for my birthday. They told me they were waiting for the funeral.”

“For my first birthday present, my parents weren’t.”

“I asked my therapist if my birthdays should be so depressing. “He said ‘Why not? Your sessions sure as hell are…’”

“I like to lie about my age. Oh, wait… I meant lie about at my age.”

“I share my birthday with Ludwig van Beethoven. Just a coincidence???”

“My birth must have been something special – they gave me my very first nickname right there in the Delivery Room: ‘DNR’.”

“And now, every year on my birthday, I’m reminded how lucky I am to be alive. And to have a bulletproof front door…”

“Someone suggested I should put all these in a book and have it published. Apparently they suggested to the publisher that it be titled ‘Not-So-Early Stage Alzheimer’s’.”

“I got a birthday card from some joker. It was the other Joker.”

“They told me my gravestone is already finished and polished – but there is one slight problem… and would I do them a favor and die before the end of the year so they won’t have to get it fixed?”

“Every year on my birthday I like to take some time and go for a peaceful, reflective walk in the woods. My family likes to celebrate by assembling at my house in hopes that I forget how to come back.”

“I leapt from limp to limber, but soon drooped back from limber to limp. That, my friends, is the Cycle of Life.”

“I would very much like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for wishing me ‘the best’ one day each year.”

                         *     *     *     *     *     *


“Why are the ‘conventional’ the ones not holding signs, screaming, drunk, and generally acting stupid inside some rented-out arena?”

“What’s the Russian word for ‘The Deplorables’?”

“If life was as scripted as too many try to make it, we’d all be dead of boredom.”

“Which would make the scripting part easy…”

“Speaking of which, how do you bore ‘dumb’?”

“Let me try another: ‘Ennui thought boars were dumb…?’.”

“If the Russians really wanted to get Donald Trump elected, they’d have shared their vodka.”

“Why do we, contrary to all evidence, always assume civilization is at least two centuries ahead of where we really are?”

“There is no excuse you can provide for losing a note from your mother.”

“Don’t get angry at him! Slip a slice or two of cheap cheese into whatever drawer he almost never looks in, instead. Time heals all wounds!”

“You hurt my feelings for you.”

“Your name didn’t escape me – I let it go.”

“Everyone wore black to my birthing.”

“Bars have stools???”

“No wonder I slip whenever I try to get down off of one…”

“They asked me to pee in a cup. They didn’t say whose…”

“You know you’re pathetic when the gratuitous typos Spellcheck inserts into whatever you type on your smart-ass phone add meaning to your sentences.”

“Mom delivered me standing up, which was unusual. And it’s been all downhill from there, which isn’t.”

“I’d like to thank you for all you’ve meant to me. It feels so good to get those kind of thoughts out of the way!”

“My muse comes up with straight lines, too. Pulls ‘em right out of the bottom pocket of my straight jacket.”

“The name escaped me, but then I wasn’t exactly chasing it…. I’d say I had racked by brain trying to find it, but that would be a bit of a stretch, too.”

“Double entendre: ‘torture joke’”

“Drivers must be getting dumber… ‘cause I know I’m not getting smarter!”

“Being witty must be exhausting.”

“Rosemary became a sage before her thyme.
(Moral: Never smoke herb in your herb garden)”

“I love meating vegetarians.”

“They called ‘time-out’ and inserted a minute of football.”

“I know better than to forget I know better… but that didn’t stop me!”

“‘I guess it’s my fault the helmet you borrowed from me cracked...’ the cracked cracker cracked.”

“Whenever you’re in trouble and no one is responsible but you, blame San Andreas.”

“Little did I know how little I knew.”

“Siri dumped me.”

“I’m not cowardly – I’m just wisely withdrawn… usually in a hurry.”

“No, they aren’t getting worse… your tolerance level is!”

“It’s been a long time, but I’m still pretty sure that exercise used to get easier the more I did it…”

“I knew it was bad when they told me it was good.”

“‘Well, I’ll be darned!’ said the sock… but nobody does that anymore.”

“I just received the new privacy notice, from my credit card company. It says I should respect theirs and not tell anyone I have their card.”

“‘Mollification’ – The modifying of minds to numb them into a state of false contentment.”

“Do the blues come in pastels?”

“If there’s a hole in the bottom of the sea, how come the whole dang thing hasn’t drained out?”

“Why the hell would anyone ever leave the cake out in the rain?”

“My old hockey uniform was getting pretty ripe… so ripe, the flies were changing on the fly.”

“Hip checks don’t work so well in chess. Trust me…”

“Peas have nuts???”

“I write jokes so I won’t be lonely. Is it working?”

“Hello???”

“I hit the post in the attempted field goal of life…”

“If everyone thought exactly like me, their heads would explode and I’d be all alone again.”

“Do ostriches get ostracized, or do they come that big?”

“Never piss off an ocean.”

“Now that the wind has changed, I’d say that you probably should, too?”

"‘Here I am!!!’
 ‘There you go!!!’”

“I’d make a ‘Ten Reasons Why I Hate Lists’ list, but too few people would realize it’s a joke…”

“Does Einstein’s Theory of Relativity apply to Thanksgiving?”

“The meds will kick in soon and it will all be over…”

“Buying something for someone who you ‘don’t know what to get for’ isn’t a problem for just you.”

“It would be a lot quieter – even with all the ‘ow!’s and ‘ooooh…!!!’s – if more people would try sitting on the fence instead of railing at one.”

“I am going to write a novel in which the author gets killed within the first ten pages. It will be about ten pages long…”

“The dog ran upstairs when I started to vacuum, but came back down after I’d finished… and won the war.”

“Has communism left its Marx on history?”

“Isn’t the opposite of socialism antisocialism?”

“Capitalists write crazy things in big letters on Facebook.”

“Do democratic socialists vote people out of the group?”

“It seems there are two schools of economic thought:
1) ‘Screw you!’, and
2) ‘We’re all screwed!!!’.”

“Ditto for climate change.”

“Speaking of which, I never fully understood the phrase ‘snowball’s chance in hell’ until I saw a Senator holding one on the floor of Congress.”

“What the heck was the itsy-bitsy spider doing, trying to join the 1%???”

“Speaking of fairy tales… well, I can’t. It would be both inappropriate and tasteless. Although, of course, I wouldn’t know about the latter… But I can’t honestly claim it’s too dumb a joke, not after all the even dumber ones I’ve already shared… and no, I am not saying that anyone is ‘dumb’… Perhaps it’s just not my tale to tell? I should chase other tale and shut-up until I catch one? No, that has to be a ‘no-no’ as well… And I know the ‘fairy’ in ‘fairy tale’ is now considered a taboo term, but ‘car-carrying boat rear end’ is somewhat awkward and confusing, don’t you think? (Am I still in trouble?) Good lord (or not?), please, once I’ve dug this stupid hole (no pun intended) deep enough, do cover for me by filling it in, please? And, maybe, then, top it off with a headstone that says ‘The End’?”

“Not the end of these, silly!!!”

“New term: ‘politicisitis’ – A communicable disease causing dementia to get elected.”

“The problem with voting the idiots out is the idiots we vote in when we do. What we really need is a better class of idiot.”

“You know, in other countries like us when the leaders screw up they offer their resignations and call for new elections, elections in which there are a number of candidates representing a range of affiliations, methods and ideologies to choose from, Oh wait… I guess they aren’t at all like us…”

“Back to the Mondaying!”

“I tried parking under a tree so as to keep the snow off my car, but ended up with an engine full of earthworms and roots…”

“Hold that thought… while I run!”

“I told mom that all I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth… so she knocked them out and gave them to me.”

“He buried himself in his book and ended up being eaten by bookworms.”

“Is ‘Where was I?’ a modern incarnation of the antiquated term ‘whereas’?”

“I asked her if she found me inadequate. She replied ‘If that’s as far as you can reach…’.”

“The forward march of technology and civilization seems to have led us mostly to hour-long sex scenes which involve odd-looking people with superhuman stamina and are set to very bad music. Oh yes, and shorter and shorter times between longer and longer ads.”

“New Year’s Eve – The one night a year when all the drunks wear hats… and then they go around blowing into translation devices until they pass out.”

      “I mentioned a ‘threesome’,
       she suggested a ‘onesome’,
       and now I am ‘lonesome’.”

“If you want people to laugh with you rather than at you, laugh with them when they laugh at you.”

“My inner fear is that if I ever come out of my shell people will realize I’m a nut.”

“I hated grade school, but missed a lot because I was always sick… sickest when the thermometer cracked in the steamer and when dad (a doctor) came in with those penicillin shots aiming for my butt.”

“My parents had another kid after me… apparently hoping I’d slip by unnoticed?”

“‘Experience’ – Having done everything wrong at least once before.”

“How many of you are throwing tomatoes at your screen?”

“‘Seriously’ is far more enjoyable than ‘Humorous Ed’.”

“Don’t waste your money on fancy recipe books and magazines – they still taste just like paper.”

“My therapist asked me why I was standing on my head. I apologized and explained I had gotten my appointments missed up and thought I was at the proctologist.”

“Always shower as soon as you come home from an away game.”

“I avoid the produce section of the store – it puts too much pressure on me.”

“How could she be reproducing if it’s only her first child?”

“Panic. That will fix everything.”

“It’s amazing how few words some people need to use to prove they’re idiots.”

“Been feeling a little short lately, myself…”

“Shouldn’t the groom be the best man at a wedding?”

“By deciding to join his wife in no longer eating meat, and made the vegetarian mistake.”

“I had no problem deciding it was a lousy book. It was so bad, I reached the conclusion while reading the preface.”

“With a great deal of dedication you can add quite a few pages to your novel, before you even get to the story!”

“I’d like to apologize... but I’d like not to a lot more…”

“Be an orphan – ask for ‘more’.” 

“The politicians are still acting loud and bold - they’ll get back to doing nothing soon…”

“Before you get too excited about the casino listing you as one of their ‘high rollers’, try to remember one little thing: one doesn’t roll uphill.”

“We named the dog ‘Ralph’ because he could pronounce it.”

“‘That dog’s been sleeping on me so much, I think I’ve just hatched!’ he cracked.

“‘Congratulations – it’s a cat!’”

“How many Angels can get high on one needle?”

       “I think that I shall never see
        a tree half as pretty as dear old me;
        oh wait! I meant ‘as you’, of course!
        and now I fear I’ve made it worse!”

“Our family was so fat, even my oldest sister didn’t have a little sister.”

“The poor old sot got washed away in the Yuletide again…”

“I asked mom to tell me a bedtime story. “I love you,’ she said.”

“It’s not hard to couch your feelings when you spend your whole day lying on one.”

“‘Peace be with you!’ made a pretty silly battle cry.”

“All of my friends came to dinner last night. I ate alone.”

“I sliced the end of my finger with a razor blade. Lesson learned: Always use a safety razor when shaving your fingers.”

“Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but I prefer big robbed manually.”

“My ex-wife came with instructions.”

“She left me disassembled.”

“If only I’d courted too slow, I might not have gotten to divorce court so fast.”

“What we need to have is a giant march on Washington D.C., with everyone wearing a special pin. That way we may finally be able to pop that giant, stupid bubble once and for all.”

“She kicked me out of my own house, screaming ‘Watch your step!” and slamming the front door. I sat there for hours, staring, but it never moved.”

“I gave it my everything – she took it and left.”

“‘Alas!’ I cried, why am I alone in the world???’
“World?’
“World…???’”

“Off-roading rarely is.”

“Today’s word: ‘blather’.”

“I guess the best way into a woman’s heart isn’t picking out the most beautiful and expensive flower arrangement for her, even if you do cross out the name on the card and write in yours…”

“There’s a real difference between being agreeable and agreeing.”

“I was on the dole once. Let me tell you – pineapples are very uncomfortable!”

“Perhaps ‘The Gap’ is what’s between your ears for spending so much to shop there?”

“They asked me if I would join them in a game of darts, but got nervous when I noticed the place didn’t have a dartboard…”

“Ever stop to think what a con template even is?”

“I wasn’t really sick, my bacteria were just acting a little bit forward.”

“Shouldn’t nausea, ashore, be called something different?”

“My goal here is to bring back the pitchfork.”

“We’ve reached the shortest days of the year. From now on, Saturdays’ will grow longer and longer!”

“Soon it will be time for spring training, when all the ballplayers go leaping about!”

“Maybe we should just start calling him ‘Trumpy-poo’ until he starts behaving himself?”

“Mom was a real pain in the butt.”

“I finished off the entire bowl, one ladle at a time, and ended up punch drunk.”

“In a world of wine and dogs, women would no longer need men.”

“I get my exercise in each morning... running the other way while the dog chases old ladies up the street.”

“Dang! I thought the cat liked the woodstove!”

“I was in the mood for fried chicken, so I went out and smoked a bowl with the old biddy.”

“I was a biddy buddy!”

“I think I write these just to satisfy my need to do something creative.
Wow... Just imagine if God had had the same concept of creation!”

“Maybe I’m just Henny-pecked?”

“Why would anyone want to straddle various violins???”

“Ever feel sucked out in the Yule-undertow season?”

“The Ghost of Christmas Past just sent me another bill…”

“My mirror cracked first”

“I tried to throw a little light on the subject, but the stupid candle set it on fire…”

“Like other flotsam, I float some.”

“Gee I sure miss going to work on Monday mornings!”

“You do know that an ‘e-card’ is impossible, right?”

“Mom and dad had a disclaimer tattooed on my butt.”

“I’m a good sport… Tiddlywinks.”

“I bet Dracula hated being the bat playing baseball. (I didn't make the 'he sucked at it' joke!)”

“The lesson of life is that life lessens.”

“I have a rude muse that’s never rued amusing only itself.”

“My only regret is that I never gretted the first time.”

“The moral? Never listen to your father’s pissed-off ghost.”

“What if Lady Macbeth had had Purell?”

“I’d like to forget the Maine and the Alamo.”

“If the rhinoceros horn is an aphrodisiac, why aren’t there more rhinoceros?”

“I got into shape so when she threw me and my outfit out, she’d throw me out fit.”

“We’re there. We’ve reached the end of journalism. The only way to know what’s happening in the news is to turn off the news. And not the news the news tells you to turn off.”

“He escaped from prison and began a life of crime on the high seas. Some say he acted alone, but I believe it was a conspiracy!”

“It might just be that the real problem isn’t that some people speak Spanish, but rather that we now have to be able to count at least as high as the number ‘2’ not to?”

“Maybe God has better things to do?”

“Fortunately, my first chore is just to remember to write that dreaded to-do list.”

“Both our history teacher and the regular substitutes were out sick, so the local surveyor came in and taught us all about the angles and the sextants.”

“She said she thought I had boundary issues, and that I clearly bordered on the insane.”

“Is the road to heaven paved with bad intentions?”

“My guess is that Boris and Natasha actually voted for Bullwinkle.”

“Wouldn’t it have been great if one of the Electors did?”

“The Empire may well Strike Back, but the Rest of the World Turns Around and Punches Us in the Face Again even harder whenever we try to.”

“Yes, the Russians did plan out the entire election. But it wasn’t Putin, it was Dostoyevsky, and he called the two of them ‘Crime and Punishment’.”

“Our new motto: ‘Talk Loudly and Pretend You Have a Big Stick’.”

“‘The last shall be first’ never seemed to happen when we were picking teams in high school gym class.”

“Step brightly and talk dumb.”

“She wasted her time telling me she wasn’t going to waste her time telling me.”

“Bartender – ‘Name your poison.’
 French guy – ‘Halibut’.”

“Is it even possible to cross examine a dog trainer without using leading questions?”

‘I asked my dog why he hates me. He just stared.”

“He’s still staring.”

“Would it be inappropriate to make a joke about a bunch of gay guys singing ‘Let’s Get Physical’ on the way to the doctor?”

“He’s still staring.”

“Okay, I won’t… How about one about a bunch of impotent straight guys singing ‘We’re Off to See the Wizard’ while on their way to ask the same doctor for a Viagra prescription?”

“If it’s all the same to you, I’ll still ask what difference does it make.”

“If you don’t succeed at first, there’s no point in trying to steal second.”

“If you don’t know the combination of a safe, you’ll probably make a pretty lousy umpire.”

“Vonnegut may no longer be with us, but I swear I just saw a rolling doughnut being chased down the street.”

“Not to be judgmental, but you suck.”

“I’m feeling a little creepy… It’s scary down here!”

“At times like this, I like to think of something my therapist said: ‘Hey, I didn’t start this conversation, you did!’”

“(True)”

“They milked my human kindness.”

“I’ll never forget old what’s-his-name…”

“They hated me so much at camp, my first swimming lesson was ‘Drowning’.”

“Her name was right on the tip of my tongue, but I bit it off.”

“Never tell a mortician you love his or her body.”

“I knew something smelled a little fishy, and, sure enough, as soon as she took off her make-up I found flounder.”

“I’d tell you what I really think of you, but I don’t.”

“She said we weren’t a ‘match’… she was human.”

“She recommended date palm, but I already had… and it had dumped me.”

“Talk about disappointment. I took a pair of slacks into the changing room, but was still too fat to fit into them.”

“I know it was cruel and I probably shouldn’t have mentioned how heavy my family is, but it’s hard to get around it.”

“Why can’t we do 'Throw Back Mondays', instead?”

“Of course it’s nothing to sneeze at, one sneezes on…”

“There’s no point in playing hard to get on an accordion.”

“They invited me to sing on closed mic night.”

“I asked her if she wanted to fool around – she said she already had one.”

“Someone pushed me out of the family tree.”

‘But my lemon tree let me stay in it for now.”

“It’s never too late to give up hope, but it’s often too late to have any to give up.”

* * * * * *

“Nice Christmas”

“I was dreaming of a nice Christmas,

where we’d have let the whole thing go;

and there’d be no more screaming,

with both sides dreaming,

in spite of everything we know

I was dreaming of a nice Christmas,

with no ‘Russians!!!’ or buffed-up golden glow,

where people listened,

without the moans and pissin’,

to each other and not some crooked pols

I was dreaming of a nice Christmas,

with whichever nightmare our way did blow

not yet in office,

and stealing off us,

with four more years of wars and woe

I was dreaming of a nice Christmas,

but I guess I didn’t have it right?

yes, it still is scary (Left and Right),

and no one’s thought of acting bright.”

* * * * * *

“Want this country needs is a ‘Lost and Profound’ box.”

“I think most people vote for who they feel is the best candidate. If only they had a decent clue as to who that would have been…”

“My neighbors want their Christmas tree back.”

“How come for everyone else it’s ‘amber’, but for me it’s ‘old sap’???”

“Hey! I’m a residual!”

“I was feeling a little stiff…
(No, even I can’t make that joke!)”

“I brought the plants in for the winter. They threw me out.”

“I bought a graphic novel and ended up with a comic book. Can’t wait for the movie…”

“Ever get the feeling that certain insurance companies can’t be spending that much on advertising and still have enough money left over to be any good at paying claims?”

“If the noose fits, wear it.”

“Hose Canadians, not protesters!”

“I got a chilly reception at the Bartlett’s Christmas party when I came without a quote (‘It was at the cleaners’).”

“Are cats supposed to carry knives?”

“She asked me to look the other way, but I don’t do ‘handsome’.”

“According to an old folk prophesy, if we don’t get somewhere else by midnight, Obama will turn into President Pumpkin.”

“The only thing new these days is the names we use for the old things.”

“Do firing squads wear pink slips?”

“If they can can beans and they can can music, they sure should be able to can whoever wrote this joke.”

“My dog makes me beg.”

“The last thing I remember is me saying ‘The last thing I remember’.”

“Does UPS spaceship?”

“I confess: I prefer a little give and a lot of take on Christmas, and a lot of give and little take on Facebook.”

“At least the flies love me…”

“Don’t be like me – never come down with coming up with jokes like this.”

“Can I order my pardon ahead of time?”

“Guess how you feel when you’re all full?”

“It’s not that I love the sound of spoken word so much as it is that it’s hard to understand ones that aren’t.”

“Oh what I wouldn’t do not to have to do anything.”

“One mustn’t languish in his or her anguish.”

“Let me get this straight: ‘theory’ is a good thing if it’s of relativity and a bad thing if it’s of a conspiracy? ((Very sneaky… but that’s how they work… it’s how they control our minds…))”

“I respect him in all his idiocy.”

“You should hear the ones I forgot before I could write them down…!”

“I used to be deathly afraid that people would laugh at anything I say. As you can probably tell, this is no longer a problem?”

“Dumb twits are far more likeable than arrogant twits.”

“I have no problem with womankind… It’s the mean ones that scare me!”

“She had a great disposition – I threw her out with the rest of the trash,”

“Some men know how to look great in anything – I only know how to wear thin.”

“I didn't mean to be accident prone… It just happened.”

“I am too old for this. But too young for that…”

“Someone bent my bugle!”

“She told me she hated me and never wanted to see me again. I pretended not to understand. She said "let me translate". I asked her if she would please do it into German. Somehow that made it sound so much better!”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when she tried to stab me with the cake knife at the wedding reception…”

“My laundry list fell over.”

“It’s all about Christmas, Eve.”

“(Well that and the laundry list… and the roof… and leaks… and more, even fun with puns?)”

“It was so restful, lying there, listening to the rain pitter-patter off the tin roof… until I remembered I don't have one.”

“Most people worry that there's a leak somewhere – older people know there is!”

“Standard – to freeze, or be frozen, in place.”

“‘Four’ is a four-letter word. So is ‘word’. So watch your mouth!”

“I came back ‘home for the holidays’ – to enlist in that new 'war on Christmas!' thingy...”

“The teams I root for choke so much they've all decided to develop a new play: the Heimlich maneuver.”

“American announcers blow out the word 'war!' in deep, 'macho', baritones. Canadian announcers say 'scrap' in whatever high-pitched voice the universe gave them. Which one is cooler, eh?”

“We need less tough and more gruff.”

“Today's word: sluggard.”

“I don't want people to understand me - that would give them too much of an advantage!”

“I had an 'aha!' moment while thinking about why it may be that my cats and dogs love me, but women don't. But I was wrong. Bringing cans of cat and dog food to the bar didn't help at all…”

“It's too late to do anything about it now, but when I said "I'll have another round, bartender!", he shot me!”

“Someone just referred to me as my dog’s "master". I didn't know dogs could laugh…”

“I'm over 60 – pissing and moaning are the only things I'm good at.”

“Why don't you take your stupid opinions and shove them up your suggestion box?!!!”

“I awoke feeling fresh. But that’s only because I’d run out of Christmas spirits and started slugging mouthwash.”

“If I ran a newspaper, I'd be honest enough about my own intentions to replace the heading ‘Letters to the Editor’ with ‘…and Now a Word from Our Crazies!’"

“Maybe Facebook should add an ‘Insult’ button next to the ‘Comment’ button?”

“If you really must have the last word, don't say something stupid.”

“My house isn’t messy, it’s in post-traumatic stress disorder.”

“Trump may not make a good President, but he’d make a great mayor of Grandio City.”

“My grade point average dropped while I was sick back in college. Some people suggest that it’s just an excuse, but I blame the disease.”

“Washington has the D and C’s, too.”

“There’s nothing like the Home for the holidays!”

“One reality in realty that’s really real is how the whole lot keeps shrinking.”

“I don’t know if the rumors about all the pedophiles in government are true, but I would suggest, in case they are, that the best way to keep them out is to stop acting like children?”

“I knew we were in trouble when the choice between candidates came down to which wars we wanted to start…”

“Yes, she left me. And yes, she said it was because we didn’t ‘communicate’. But when she kept looking my way and talking about some ‘useless lump of ugly dog doo-doo’ how was I to know she wasn’t talking to the couch?”

“It’s a lot more fun being antisocial in public!”

“I got in touch with my feminine side, but she slapped me!” [Author’s Note: I have been telling that one for years, now it’s your turn not to laugh.]

“Forget all this banning ‘faux news’ crapola, a functional hypocrisy filter would pretty much clear out all the worthless banana doo-doo on Facebook.”

“I’d bring my dog, Ralphie, to the bar with me, but he only drinks Ripple.”

“You know cooking shows have run their course when you see someone with oily looking, dyed and spiked yellow hair pretend to be amazed at, and be blown away by eating, a piece of chicken on a waffle.” [true]

“I moved over a seat so she could sit down. And then three more so she would.”

“No wonder the 1% doesn’t understand, they think feeling ‘helpless’ means the butler didn’t show up.”

“I always have this urge to act snooty and uncaring after drinking 1% milk.”

"And we shall milk this utter lack of taste and/or humor with even more!"

“Chocolate bar stool?”

“Sometimes I wake up at 3 AM and think up esoteric jokes. Then I wake at 3 AM again a few nights later and almost laugh at them!”

“(You might want to skip this one…) I was so disappointed when the book on premature ejaculations came in the mail.”

“Some people come with a lot of baggage – I just wear my thong.”

“Do people go to bars alone in Barcelona?”

“I’m behind the times in being ahead of my time.”

“Is a ‘postal delivery’ getting punched in the face?”

“New and improved Conspiracy Theory: ‘It wasn’t fluoride they put in our drinking water, it was LSD.’”

“The Earth has an infection, and it is us.”

“No, my heart isn’t broken. It just leaks.”

“Some feel liverwurst is.”

“Do night owls smoke wisecrack?”

“You go on without me, I’m still waking up yesterday.”

“I’ve reached the age where only Jokers card me.”

“Is there any way to fast faster?”

“I had conflicting emotions: I longed for her to be short with me.”

“I met someone beautiful online, but they weren’t.”

“My reputation is so bad, anyone I toast is toast.”

“Apparently, they ‘figured it out’: everyone else is the problem…”

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways to get out of here!!!”

“Political advice: ‘Never stand behind a jackass’.”

“I bet George Washington’s wooden teeth were made out of cherry.”

“What I miss most is what I missed.”

“My ‘Congratulations on your Bereavement’ card idea didn’t go over well…”

“Thee thold me thoo holth my thongue.”

“Do mathematician groupies get calculust?”

“If you were anticipating something better from me, you weren’t pregnant with expectation… it was gas.”

“Shoplifters must be very strong!”

“He made it to first, at last, in the beginning of the final game, but started for second and ended up out.”

“He passed his prologue.”

“He was a great writer. Someone else wrote the ‘he was’ and ‘writer’ parts.”

“I thought the cats were digging an unusually big hole out back, but didn’t get nervous until I saw the dog drag home a headstone…”

“I like to scatter logical jokes in here and there.”

“Today’s practical joke: ‘Put an alarm clock in someone’s coffin!’”

“No apologies are necessarily so.”

“Can the wind wind? An entrance entrance? A tear tear???”

“Does a racked brain break on cue?”

“Who makes the arranged wedding arrangements?”

“I’m not sure I was ever combulated in the first place…”

“Old jokes make old jokes.”

"There will be more of these %@(#@)@! things..."


        *     *     *     *     *     *

Saturday’s Night Special Christmas For Single Guys Edition:

‘The Reading Internet Dating Sights Guide for Lonely Men’



   ‘When she says ‘My friends all say’ she really means ‘what few friends I have all lie to me’

   ‘Curvy’ means ‘fat to grossly obese’

   ‘Fit’ means ‘curvy’ and/or ‘self-obsessed’

   ‘No drama’ means ‘I’m the drama’.

   ‘Not looking for a hook-up’ means ‘Not if you’re ugly’

   ‘I love a glass of wine’ means ‘Three of four, just to get started’

   ‘I love to kayak’ means ‘Thank god I don’t have to pretend I’m into hang gliding anymore!’

   ‘I enjoy hiking’ (unless ‘barefoot’) means ‘Please don’t make me!’

   ‘Love dogs’ means ‘Dogs obey me’

   ‘Has cats’ means ‘Abusive relationships are okay as long as they come with snuggles’

   First date’: ‘coffee’ means ‘I don’t trust you’

   First date: ‘over a glass of wine’ means ‘I’m easy’

   First date: ‘grab a glass of beer’ means ‘Fuck romance! Let’s party!!!’

   Bad grammar and/or spelling means ‘I never got past the High School stage of life.’

   ‘I love to travel’ means ‘I want you to pay.’

   'I’m looking for a man who knows how to treat a woman right’ means

   ‘I know you don’t exist’ and/or ‘to hell with your feelings, wants, and needs, this is about me!’

   ‘Christian’ means ‘You are a sinner!’

   ‘Looking for a Christian’ means ‘Daddy did me, but if I close my eyes and pray hard enough, all that goes away’

   ‘Looking for Mr. Right’ means ‘You may never get past my anger at the last asshole’

(Any and all of the above mean(s) they’ve read the ‘User’s Guide on Writing Dating Site Posts)”



“Books, movie, and other entertainment preferences:   Obscure: Self-absorbed neurotic

   Reality TV: Brain damaged

   Formula drama and/or comedy – Looking for excitement in all the dull places

   Mysticism – Fucking nuts

   Disney – Unresolved childhood issues

   Any current male star – The fantasy you won’t live up to.

   Thelma and Louise – Hates men.

   Virginia Wolfe – Hates everyone.”


“Pictures that cry out ‘No!!!!’:

   Her shooting a gun

   Her having sex with a motorcycle

   Her visiting foreign cities

   Sweeping vistas

   Sweeping vistas with her in them

   Blurry pictures

   Blurry pictures of just one eye or both boobs

   Pets, instead of her

   Kids or grandkids, instead of her

   Sultry to slutty

   Sunglasses, sunglasses, sunglasses…

   Only one (especially if any of the above)

   None.”



“Basic rule, never to forget: ‘No woman in her right mind would ever get involved with you, so stop being picky and settle for the ones who aren’t – ugliness isn’t all you have in common.”



“Merry Christmas!”

         *     *     *     *     *     *


“It’s Boxing Day! The one day each year I don’t get slapped…”

“These may not all be up to spar.”

“I wish they’d let me use a password I could remember. I’d use ‘3’! (or was it ‘8’?)”

“‘Lumberjacking’ – 1) Stealing someone else’s wood. 2) Doing something else to someone else’s wood.”

“(‘7’)?”

“Sometimes one’s ex lacks the ability to loosen up. As hard as it me be, you just have to go with it.”

“Why doesn’t heaven have an elevator?”

“Pronouncing ‘bologna’ baloney, is.”

“Life has both its ups and downs. Unfortunately, most of the ups are upside down…”

“The morally weak will inherit the earth if the meek don’t speak up loud and clearly to stop them.”

"Politicians are invariably invertebrates.”

“Before my dog left me he peed on my left knee… but I didn’t feel pissed until I realized he’d gone.”

“Better to be in the doghouse than kicked out of the house and into the outhouse?”

“We’ll get through this…?”

“No. it wasn’t smart to spread hubris on crackers…”

“Can you still call in sick if you’re retired?”

“Can you be awake at a wake, or have one after you’ve drowned?”

“Is ‘Do you hang around here often?’ a clothes line?”

“Friends like me don’t come cheap… mostly because we are.”

“When I brainstorm it barely drizzles.”

“Back when I graduated from college, my parents decided to throw a party in honor of my passing. I assumed they were appreciative, but it turned out they were merely optimistic…”

“Never bet against the house – unless you’re wagering on whether you are too drunk to find the key.”

“Kids love snow, and they’re smarter than us.”

“Nothing keeps you warm like burning a few bridges!”

“If we had more hoarders we’d need fewer garbage dumps.”

“Despite what they say, retirement can be quite exciting. I just knocked over my coffee!!!”

“Here’s an ugly little secret: Some ‘Saturdays’’ are really ‘Monday Mornings’…’

“Why are secrets leaked instead of secreted?”

“Today’s word: ‘prissy’.”

“He didn’t die – he woke up late.”

“These are but a laxative for the mind…”

“Boycott – Girl caught him.”

“Nothing tears a group apart better than winning together.”

“Someday, all of this will be a weekly nightmare.”

“Speaking of nightmares, are they just macho stallions coming out after the light goes down?”

“Don’t stare. Leering is far, far creepier.”

“I would love to try a glob of fatty gluten laced with carbs and chemical preservatives and then genetically modified to taste like peanut butter. I bet it would taste great on a Saltine!”

“Here’s a fun test: tell a politician to ‘Hold that thought!’ and see where he or she grabs!”

“Moral: Think with your head, but be careful where you put it first.”

“I like to go into theaters showing movies that aren’t at all funny, just to laugh so everyone else will, too.”

“Consensus: Counting people by how many agree with something stupid.”

“Am I the only one bored with drones?”

“If we had a term less sinister sounding than ‘assassination’ for assassinations, we’d probably have fewer of them.”

“How does one think with a clear head? I don’t know, but it seems to be a prerequisite for voting.”

“Yes, Presidential elections are like the Super Bowl… but with far crappier ads.”

“Speaking of which, shouldn’t those seeking to be elected President elect to act presidential?”

“But don’t ask me, I thought ‘President’ was a toothpaste.”

“Don’t laugh, they both cause foaming at the mouth.”

“Speaking of washing your mouth out with soap, my mom did mine with zest.”

“Why do we pretend humans don’t hibernate?”

“I don’t leap – I lunge. Of course, I have no idea what that means, but just decided to go blindly ahead with it anyway.”

“Most of these require much more thought to get than to give.”

“Where would we be today if Lincoln had requested a different booth?”

“Ever notice how with assigned seating you’re always the one sitting next to the ass.”

“Speaking of which, how do asses sit on theirs?”

“‘Last, but not least’ is a lie.”

“He wasn’t really sick, he was just put there as a waste treatment plant.”

“Taxidermists always have stuff to do.”

“Why are wide receivers always skinny?”

“Right guard is the only position that doesn’t stink?”

“Just tell him he’s very smart – he’s stupid enough to believe it.”

“It’s been over fifty years; can Sloopy let go yet?”

“How come when I say ‘Am I crazy, or what?’ no one ever asks me what ‘what’ is?”

“Heck, let’s not start acting rationally now…”

“I support Lumbar.”

“‘Why did you go upstairs?’
‘It was the only way to get there.’”

“I felt deeply wronged after she marked my exam paper.”

“I knew we had some ‘issues’ when my dog threw the stick back…”

“I made a heartfelt effort, but her heart felt it was inadequate.”

“What with all those in politics who are ‘in bed’ with someone, including those considered to be ‘strange’ ‘fellows’ to be in bed with, I have to wonder if, maybe, the best solution might not be simply to remove the beds?”

“We had a wonderful relationship: enemies.”

“‘Communication’ – What a dog does through looking at you and a cat does through not.”

“She told me that she’d not thought she’d meet anyone ugly enough to scare her away, but that meeting me taught her that yes, indeed, seeing can be leaving.”

“I almost didn’t make the team, but did. The coach said it was only because he had a few holes to fill, and that I shouldn’t expect to play much. In other words, I was a stopper, not a starter.”

“Telling jokes this dumb is so obnoxious I even drove my car away.”

“We sought the Golden Fleece but got the Gold Fleecer.”

“I flunked finger-painting.”

“He deployed a deplorable display of deep lore.”

“Whose idea was it to make Ford’s look better?”

“What ever happened to ‘clever’?”

“I found some loose change where I’d been sitting watching the game. That’s right, I got my armchair quarter back!”

“She was much less interested in what she got out of our relationship than how to.”

“When she told me I should do a better job couching my thoughts she meant she wanted me to roll over and let the sofa muffle them.”

“My angst is getting anguished.”

“And it will only angstish more, because there are more!”

“Why are white supremacists the opposite of supreme?”

“For Christmas, she gave me an old-fashioned alarm clock, which was very cool. But it had these funny little wires running to this nondescript black box…”

“What Santa left under the tree was loads better than what Rudolf left on the roof.”

“My dream in life is to sit in the car with some other idiot and talk about how little I had to spend to buy all the crappy fast food I’m shoving into my stupid mouth.”

“Why is everyone blaming 2016 for the stupid choices they made during it?”

“She called me ‘R’, because ‘so far’ I’m still stuck to the sofa.”

“You know, the ‘fast’ in ‘fast food’ used to refer to how quickly they made it…”

“Wait… how can there even be such a thing as ‘fast food’?”

“Do they have afterwards in mental hospitals?”

“When I asked if I would be paid overtime I didn’t mean ten bucks a month over ten years…”

“Most installment plans are really suppositories.”

“You mean a lot to me – an empty one, covered in weeds.”

“You’re a pretty poor excuse for an excuse.”

“They had a hard time seeing me leave… probably because I refused to.”

“Being a fan of my teams really blows. [It’s the joke that sucks]”

“The first joke I ever heard delivered was me. And now I’m so old, Henny Youngman would tell me.”

“She’s only one block away…”

“Today’s word: ‘naughty’.”

“I was seeing someone… but then the meds kicked in.”

“People who say ‘whatever’ deserve ‘whatever’ they get.”

“I hate to sound like a broken record, but the kids these days don’t even know what that means.”

“My siblings and I got it confused – we grew ‘out’ instead of ‘up’.”

“If everything you say about someone whom you support is an excuse, you might be closer to being the problem than you think.”

“Don’t be silly. Of course we hate you!”

“If you really need to act stuck-up, do at least be choosier about where…”

“His comeuppance went down hence.”

“I like to stretch my muscles prior to my daily, vigorous exercise routine…
(and the truth, after)"

“Without chemicals, ‘food’ as we now know it wouldn’t exist.”

“We are tomorrow’s yesterday’s barbarians.”

“I go to real restaurants for food and fast-food restaurants for a fill-up.”

“Technology is society’s laxative: It just brings us the same old crap faster.”

“At Tom Thumb’s wake the family asked the funeral director if he might manage to have the body lie there a little longer.”

“I may have hit the cross bar, but they didn’t feel that way until I’d started making horrible hockey jokes.”

“There’s a fine line between ‘wit’ and ‘twit’, but we’ll cross it when we come to it.”

“Isn’t it odd how many jokes you can share without anyone getting any of them?”

“Swimming is a skill – floating is an art form.”

“Why can’t food banks be too big to fail?”

“My ‘peeps’ are crappy candy.”

“They said they had an opening for me… and then walked me over to an open manhole.”

“‘Repeat after me…’
‘After me…’
‘AFTER me!’
‘AFTER me!'”

“Too many committed supporters need to be.”

“At times like these I like to think back to things mom used to say. But I can’t – I never listened…”

“Mom knew dad changed the baby, but wasn’t sure how…”

“Sounding confusing is often mistaken for being profound, but no one can figure out why.”

“Apparently scratching isn’t conducive to getting a second date?”

“I just love how all the supposedly smart people take a week off between Christmas and New Year's and write stupid lists.”

"Actually, I hate it."

“It’s impossible to keep an affair with an opera singer quiet.”

“Many of these quips require a little imagination to enjoy. Others, a lot…”

“Getting past the anger may be how to get past Trump?”

“But we do need to respect the office, no matter how much we’d prefer it to be a closet.”

“And absolutely not a tweeting bathroom!”

“I’d like to think you actually know what you’re talking about… but that wouldn’t really be ‘thinking’, now would it.”

“Better a comic tragedy than a tragic comedy.”

“Oh that this doo-doo flabby flesh would fall off my belt and restore itself on you…”

“I put a candle in the window but, having ignored the old advice about not burning it on both ends, burned down the entire house; so now I’m feeling burned out, which is what you did when you drove away after I tried waxing poetically about an old flame and totally blew it without even remembering to make a wish first, which would have been that I hadn’t put that stupid candle in the window.”

“Two wrongs do not make a good pair of options.”

“S.J. Perelman gave this world much more than most of the jokers leading it today ever will.”

“I’d rather be dead wrong than dead, right?”

“We live in the era of absurd superheroes…”

“I’ve read that evangelicals support Israel because they believe that they will need to have Jewish people around come ‘The Rapture’, as their dying then is a prerequisite to such ‘Christians’ getting into heaven. This is insane… almost as insane as anyone who happens to be Jewish welcoming their support?”

“Let’s jettison the ‘Trump’ in all of us, while we’re at it.”

“I believe Yiddish term ‘schmuck’ means ‘large penis’. The use of it is therefore clearly facetious in nature, as it’s obvious few of those referred to as one, have one.”

“My complimentary drink just insulted me.”

“Which reminds me, is ‘cantankerous’ a compliment?”

“I fear my fervor fermented over time.”

“The one percent wants us to give up… as if they don’t have enough.”

“It would be fun to see Al Pacino and Samuel Jackson spend a whole movie yelling at each other.”

“Sure, most white guys can’t dance… but at least they know it.”

“I have a good mind to have a better mind.”

“Should I worry that they held an intervention to stop my intervention?”

“Listen: I didn’t mean to scare the poor dog like that. I really didn’t. But I didn’t mean to have the cat practice its kneading on my groin, either.”

“I had a reaction to my flu shot… I screamed.”

“Sorry I didn’t remember you – blockage mechanisms can be pretty powerful!”

“I didn’t realize at first what they meant when everyone down at the club voted unanimously to have me ‘dismembered’. By the time I figured it out and tried to argue, I didn’t have leg left to stand on. Moral? ‘An old joke may seem an easy way to get a cheap laugh, but can end up costing you an arm and a leg.’.”

“They said they had to ‘let me go’ because my faculties had declined with age and had gotten to the point where I couldn’t even keep my acronyms straight anymore. I immediately called the ASPCA to complain about age discrimination.”

“I’m going to write a novel called “The End’, and leave it at that.”

“I tried to restructure my debt, but they wouldn’t let me switch the house for the outhouse as collateral.”

“Do members of the clergy make investments in vestments?”

“My fling has flung.”

“He gave away his fortune for the public good, but it ended up going to the private bad.”

“Okay, so I’ll throw the second stone…?”

“I rendered my salad unto Caesar…”

“I turned by other cheek, but she slapped me again, for ‘being too cheeky’!”

“Do you suppose Trump understands what the ‘Golden Rule’ even is???”

“Never ask for your fair share – you just might lose at least half of what you’ve already got.”

“Is it hot in here or are all the politicians who claim not to believe in climate change talking at once?”

“I love you more than all the world… and yet you’re sleeping with most of it.”

“Aren’t you supposed to actually have something before you flaunt it?”

“I thought I might slip in a little something unexpected… and I did. Dang dog!”

“I kind of wish my Irish friends would stop wishing me a ‘topic of mourning’… it really creeps me out.”

“My dog is actually pretty smart. He must be soooo disappointed.”

“If it wasn’t for spring I wouldn’t be up in the air about fall.”

“Apparently, the answer to life’s great questions is ‘no’.”

“Today’s word: ‘dubious’.”

“There’s no place like home… thank god.”

“Happily ever after isn’t about having won your argument.”

“Beware the man who mistakes his codpiece for a masterpiece.”

“If I had known the things I should have known, life would have either been a whole lot less, or a whole lot more, fun…”

“Life isn’t fair. It’s rainy.”

“Is it me, or are strangers getting stranger?”

“He was wise beyond his years… but only the first two.”

“Peeping Toms are entitled to a jury of their peers???”

“I was indisposed when they came looking for me to serve the divorce papers. Unfortunately, the dumpster was the first place they looked.”

“How did taking her courting end up being her taking me to court?”

“Mr. Ira Shootrunk must have a terrible time at DUI stops.”

“When did holding office turn into an audition?”

“A running chainsaw makes for a convincing argument.”

“Being something of a do-it-yourselfer, I tried building my own woodstove. Darn thing kept catching fire!”

“How can ‘This Page Is Empty’ be true?”

“I was alone when we met…”

“Okay… so houses burn down, papers burn up, and I burned out… Why can’t stupid fire make up its mind???”

“Happiness is finding out that the truck your dog is barking at first thing in the morning is an oil truck making a delivery to your house, meaning it will be sitting just outside the window until all is good and done… just to keep him excited.”

“How come dating sites never have ‘two-for-one’ sales?”

“I looked her in the eye and said: “Eek!!! Put that back in!”

“Just when you think these things can’t get any lower, I hit a new bottom with an even more painful spanking joke.”

“Does lightning have flashbacks?”

“When does the Bill of Rights come due? And will it turn into the Bill of Wrongs if we refuse to pay it?”

*          *          *          *          *

“The Top Twenty Special Ways Us Older Folk Have of Attaining Giddiness:
   1) Eating sweets before any blood test that says ‘fast’, just to fuck with the results;
  2) Bringing an extra pair of Depends with you to fancy social gatherings and leaving them where no one would want to find them;
   3) Telling ourselves the same jokes, over and over and over;
   4) Nurses!
   5) Only pretending we have dementia;

  6) Shouting out things that people don’t want to hear (the more public the place, the better) and getting away with it because people assume we are more deaf than we really are;

   7) Spiked laxatives; and
   8) ‘Wandering off’ after only getting to #8 on a promised ‘Top Twenty’ list.”

*          *          *          *          *

“Internet pages don’t have any bottom… much like me or the level of my jokes.”

“I loved Henny Youngman as an old man when I was a young man.”

“That lush Lucy likes licking licorice and loves lapping liquor, but only slurping a liter of two of laxative really keeps her ‘Luce’.”

“Technically speaking, every day is a new year.”

“Today’s word: ‘gulp!’”

“I just figured out why Bud tastes like horse poop!”

“They say soup in a can in convenient, but I find that hard to swallow.”

“Your argument almost makes sense… but then you’d almost be overpaid.”

“I’m so ugly…

        ...’ugly’ is a compliment.

        …the doctor slapped my mom.

        …my dentist turned off the light.

        … the proctologist told me to open up and say ‘ah’.

        …my medicine cabinet thinks it’s a rearview mirror.

        …they told mom to ‘roll over and try again’.

        …mom’s first attempt at bonding when I was born was to glue me to the table and run.

        …the first words I ever heard were ‘put him back!!!’

        …the woman sitting next to me at the bar was two blocks away.

        … my bathroom mirror doesn’t just fog up, it cries.

        …when my ex asked about filing for divorce, they suggested a rasp might be more appropriate.

        …my car locked me out.

        …they kicked me out of Uglyville.

        …at Thanksgiving, my family wanted to know whether I was stuffed yet… before dinner!

        …whenever I kiss a woman… well… they don’t, actually, let me?

        …my best pick-up line is ‘come back!’

        …when I said I was in a Movement during my youth they looked confused and ask ‘bowel?’

        …they renamed my ‘before and after’ picture ‘before and too late’.

        …when I get out of bed in the morning, my bed sighs and says ‘Thank you!’

        …the guy in the mirror punched me.”

        …when I wake up before dawn, she turns the lights back off.

        …the fish throw me back.

        …whenever I turn on the TV, it automatically switches over to the movie ‘Scream’.

        …when I kiss a princess, she turns into a frog; when I kiss a frog, it turns into a wart; when I kiss a wart, it slaps me!

        …my shadow runs away from me.

        …when I tried computer dating, the computer rejected me.

        …the houseflies spray me with Raid.

        …when I asked her for a date, she gave me February 30, 3017.

        …they took one look, gave up, and cancelled Halloween.

        …mom’s nickname for me was ‘polyp’.

        …when I cross the street, traffic backs away.

        …my paper bag rejected me.

        …urinals spit back.

        …when I give blood, it yells ‘I’m free!!!’

        …whenever I look in a girlie magazine the models cover up.

        …some women reject me even before I get to the jokes!”


“I just saw my first pink truck! (True!)”

“Reality isn’t.”

“I saw a sign ‘Police Toy Drive’, and now I’m very worried.”

“‘Manageable’ is a lousy goal.”

“I was just wondering: would it be inappropriate to start a food fight at a wake?”

“I think I may have stepped in one of your arguments once…”

“You’re the best thing about me losing my eyesight.”

“I have the only dog I’ve ever known who marks his territory with a pen.”

“I confess – I was the one who told that squirrel it would make it across the street.”

“(and then shouted ‘Go back!’)

“Sarcasm creates sour chasms.”

“Some Americans’ property markers are empty beer cans.”

“‘Chores???’ he chortled.”

“My dog, ‘Skalli’, wags her tail whenever she sees a seadog.”

“Cashew nuts are nothing to sneeze at… god bless ‘em!”

“Are pimps hoarders?”

“Sure enough, the Waiting Room was there waiting for me.”

“I caught up with an old friend at the grocery store today. All the others were too fast.”

“Dracula thought it was all over, but he was mistaken.”

“Do pirates shake their booty?”

“Some wiseass changed the word ‘eject’ on my car music center to ‘reject’, so I pushed it. That was the last I saw of me.”

“‘Clandestine’ – Fated to sneak back into the family.”

“It’s 2017! Pop a few pomposities – make the world a better place!”

“I’m so glad you’ve told us, once more, about how you’re the hero in your own story. But, unfortunately, you don’t even rate back-up sidekick in everyone else’s…”

“The concept of tetherball gets a lot scarier as a man grows older…”

“Family restaurants are an alternative to food restaurants.”

“I’ve been outdated by the outhouse.”

“New country tune: ‘My Heart May Be Clogged With Thoughts of You, But My Intestines Are Feeling Fine’.”

“If there were two of me, I’d kill myself. But what good would that do?”

“Tomorrow may never come… but today sure went.”

“I just told the cat I’m going to hit him with a rock. He doesn’t care.”

“Not being Catholic, I have to use the dog for Confession. It may not get me to heaven, but it sure brings out the guilt!”

“Why do they make you play pool in the hall?”

“I’ve sinned like crazy my whole life – but always meant well… Can’t I just get detention?”

“I need to apologize to all my non-Christian friends. Not just for leaving them out of all these awful jokes, but for the all-too-many self-described ‘Christians’ who think the Quran is something you use in a coloring book, or that three Torah ‘s makes a movie about Pearl Harbor. or that Karma is where little cars come from, or that Tao goes ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home’… Let’s stop there. The point is: Like these jokes, I am very, very sorry.”

“Those Sphynx ratted on the Pyramids!”

“I do duets with tomcats at midnight. I’d do them with the dog, but he’s the one who locked the door and left us feeling left out.”

“New word: ‘tirelots’ – Beyond tiresome [see above jokes].”

“Ad – ‘I thought my bladder leakage meant my social life is over.’
 Me – No, you’ll do fine on Facebook.”

“How come women don’t know better until after they’ve married you?”

“I tried hiding under the bed, but the dust balls kicked me out.”

“Given the alternatives… we need more alternatives.”

“Suggested Guideline: When your ‘vision’ for 2020 is so far from 20/20 that you can only see people using walkers running, you may need to have your foresight checked.”

“I agree that compulsive Tweeting by a politician may be a sign of lunacy. In fact, I seem to recall almost* every member of Congress doing it during Obama’s first State of the Union Address.”

“(*There was that one, special, lunatic who stood up and shouted out his idiocy, instead.)”

“And, speaking of which, the State of the Union seems more and more to be that both are wearing a dress.”

“Have I used ‘awful’ as ‘Word of the Day’ yet?”

“If Lincoln’s assassination happened today, some douchbag would stand up and yell ‘Encore!’…”

“We peaked at looking peaked.”

“She snapped at me when I offered her my outstretched arms.”

“I’m so glad it’s all about you – that way I don’t have to care.”

“It takes a crooked mirror for me to look myself straight in the face.”

“She told everyone she walked with a limp, but neither of us did.”

“New word: ‘Phallicsy’ – The overstatement of one’s endowments.”

“I can’t wait to find out what you’re getting me for Arbor Day!”

“(An Al Gore bobble-head???)”

“I figured it out! We reached the bottom of the barrel… and someone turned it over!”

“Today’s word; ‘waft’.”

“I’m more of a sexual predater… ‘cause I sure ain’t during or after.”

“Reruns feel run over.”

“The cheapest form of free shipping is not ordering anything.”

“I would never lead a cult that would have me as its leader.”

“Tom Thumb’s shrink came to his funeral but, of course, he was too late.”

“Nothing escapes us faster than shouted subtleties.”

“Most people seem to have two stages of consciousness: awake and voting.”

“The outrage is sneaking up behind you…”

“I bought myself a do-it-yourself, personal trainer kit. It’s called ‘Milk-Bone Treats’.”

“The pasture seemed uncomfortably hard and rocky, but I soon slipped into something more comfortable.”

“Poor Ragnar…”

“Is ‘BYOB’ an appropriate abbreviation for a funeral invitation?”

“Speaking of which, 1) I didn’t know they had them, and 2) why is my name on it?”

“The good news is I didn’t fall off the wagon. The bad news? I drive an ox cart…”

“My daughter – ‘You told me that before.’
 Me – ‘You told me that before, too.’”

“I’m not looking for your pity. But cash is good…”

“Do Infectious disease doctors request immunity before they testify?”

“You do know we’re all wrong, right?”

“I tried hanging with the ne’er-do-wells and left-behinds, but didn’t speak their languish.”

“Haven’t we figured out yet that the ultra-rich are too friggin’ nuts to be allowed to run things???”

“Always try to do the right thing for the right reasons; that way you will be endlessly rewarded with slightly sympathetic, but mostly sarcastic, ‘congratulations’ from those moving on without you.”

“I’m so glad they’re making cars in which you can watch TV instead of that boring old road…”

“Better to be left behind than a complete ass.”

“‘How did it go at the singles bar last night?’
‘You know, I almost scored… but ended up dropping the ball.”
‘How’s that?’
‘She had to go and ask me why I was raising my arm, and what else could I do but admit that I was signaling to settle for a fair catch? The slap caused the fumble…’”

“He metaphor horsemen of the Apocalypse in what he thought was only an analogy.”

“I’m a rebel – when no one is looking, I butter both sides of my bread.”

“So tell me: What exactly is it all the women I bring home to my bedroom in the basement have against aluminum foil???”

“Half the people tell you where to go, the other half say ‘Don’t go there’… So I’m not sure what to do? And it’s a problem, too, because I really have to go!”

“Some days a cup of crappy coffee just works better.”

“I almost called these things ‘wisedumbs’…”

“I get up to do something, get there, and forget what it was I was going to do. So I start back, only to forget where I was going. Other than that, everything’s fine.”

“Diamonds are forever… and the games they play on them even longer.”

“You might want to choose your battles carefully – no one wants to be outwitted by an imbecile.”

“Today’s word: ‘giddy’.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I have better things to hate.”

“We all lost the election.”

“(Too bad we couldn’t have lost it months earlier, somewhere, far, far away…)”

“Why don’t they make Serious Putty?”

“Some mornings, even my spare tire feels deflated.”

“Having no standing never caused a lawyer to sit down.”

“Is ‘lump’ a compliment?”

“Is it too late for a wet nurse?”

“So that’s why Truth doesn’t come with a handle!”

“If people would just stop talking to each other they would believe everything they were told and it would all be fine.”

“I’m confused. All those who asked me how I, as a Public Defender, could represent the people I did turned around and voted for… who???”

“College was great… although I almost kind of wish I could go back and see what the classes were like.”

“My linguistics professor didn’t understand me.”

“My biggest mistake in dropping my class was dropping all of it.”

“We took Oceanography to play Battleship.”

“If that professor had been in his classroom where he belonged he never would have spotted me outside of it.”

“Statistically speaking, my only chance of not flunking Statistics was to get out of there as fast as I could.”

"Bit by bit, over time, I graduated.”

“I’m not sure exactly why not, but it honestly never even occurred to me until I got to law school exactly who I would be there with…”

“And law school was tough! I lost my contacts and ended up taking Contracts by mistake.”

“Trust and Estates was so boring they almost had to read my will.”

“I took Criminal Procedure to learn how to charge my clients my fee.”

“I thought Torts were sassy French pastries, but I was wronged.”

“I took Conflict of Laws just to watch the fights.”

“Constitutional Law turned out to be a daily routine involving not being able to interpret things no one agrees upon but many pretend to.”

“My career goal was to have one.”

“So I set out on the road to success… apparently in the wrong lane.

“They told me I was in the wrong profession… but never said a word about what the right one might be.”

“All I’d found was a pension to retire, so I did.”

“Today’s word: ‘glad’.”

“(Some words just get creepier and creepier the more you think about them.)”

“Try reading what you wrote at 3AM at 3AM – it might even sound brilliant again!”

“Can I get the blues in pink?”

“I really, truly, wish that my mind could have focused on some other question when that group of commandos raided my house…”

“Does the term ‘drug bust’ have something to do with where one smuggles things?”

“I ran out of ideas, but into these.”

“It must be nice to allow other people to do your thinking for you… it gives you someone else to blame when both of you invariably prove to have been wrong.”

“And yet it ends up not being either of you…”

“Never take advice on how to run your personal life from someone with such poor judgment about running anyone’s personal life that they would be telling you how to run yours.”

“I took a thought and ran with it. Once again, I couldn’t keep up.”

“Good idea: Give the voters nothing to vote for and then blame them for not voting. That’ll fool ‘em!”

“Another good idea: Accuse those who would never, in a million years, have voted for you of having somehow lost you an election by voting for someone with no chance of winning rather than not voting. That’ll get ‘em to like you!”

“And yet another: Do everything in your power to ensure you get an opponent who is a completely ridiculous joke and who might even be a threat to our nation and our way of life, and then… Ah heck, let’s get back to some at least potentially funny jokes.”

“An orange wearing a bad wig walked under the bar…”

“I only struck out because it made absolutely no sense at all to run all the way around all those stupid bases just to end up where I already was.”

“Oh great… morning. Another day of disappointing the dog and depriving the cats of a place to sleep.”

“Speaking of hockey, I think we just got hip-checked.”

“Those aren’t bats; they’re little black butterflies in mourning for all my missing brain cells.”

“I’m sorry – did I not lose you?”

“Someone suggested I should write an autobiography, but I couldn’t decide which car.”

“I did the best I could, given what I had, to get more than I had, but it was only when I eventually realized I’d been had that I finally had it.”

“So I poured myself a shot of tequila… in case I wanted more after I’d finished chugging the bottle.”

“Better to wake up with a headache than not wake up and be someone else’s.”

“Santa viewing a lineup: ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’”

“When did ‘Season’s Greetings’ become ‘Fuck off!’?”

“The wrong end is loose.”

“Take a quiet stroll through the woods. You’ll discover a world in which nothing is fake. But don’t be scared…”

“The best way to get money out of politics? Get elected.”

“Rest assured, I nap with confidence!”

“Spitting these things out reminds me of my visits to the dentist back in the day. Reading them probably does the same for you?”

“It’s time for Monopoly to add a trump card. Wouldn’t it be a whole lot more exciting if a player might automatically go bankrupt?”

“Mean-spirited jokes are not funny… so pretend I like you.”

“Does a can of GMO worms come with meatballs?”

“‘Don’t ask’ is always a reassuring response.”

“It was the trestle wrestling that killed him.”

“Apparently, ‘good TV’ and ‘bad real life’ are essentially the same thing.”

“Hypocritical Oath: ‘Do no harm without assuming others are the ones doing it.’”

                         *          *          *          *          *

“Back when America was great, we didn’t have things like Facebook. Instead:

        …your neighbors would invite you over for a slideshow whenever they wanted to bore you to death with their pathetically dull and depressing lives, and

       …we left all the losers behind forever when we finally escaped from high school, and

        …cute kittens were just pancakes on the highway, and

        …‘sharing’ referred to things of value, and

       …there were fewer nitwits offering up terrible jokes (or at least it was easier to avoid them), but

       …the crazies were already out there… and talking to each other…”

                         *          *          *          *          *

“Of course you’re free… as long as you do what you’re told.”

“Why do they refer to it as ‘growing old’ when you actually getting shorter?”

“She left to leave it to my imagination.”

“Don’t you just hate how they always seem to pick out your worst picture for your mugshot?”

“She wouldn’t come home with me, she wouldn’t sleep with me, heck, she even refused to speak to me… but, honestly, was lending me ten bucks really too much to ask???”

“If we have to keep fighting battles that are over and done with, can we try the War of 1812, instead?”

“When did ‘good politics’ become making people who agree think they don’t?”

“Oh, you don’t agree, eh?”

“‘Why can’t we all just get a long…’ what?”

“If penis size didn’t matter we wouldn’t keep electing such big ones.”

“I asked for her hand, she gave me the finger.”

“I asked for ‘a lover’ she gave me ‘all over’…”

“My fingers just refused to type one of these…”

“Nothing like having a new year for us to complain about next year.”

“Is it snowing or is that just the sound of the same old, everyday, endless bitching?”

“I wish I’d known ahead of time she spelled ‘hon’, ‘Hun’…”

“My dog is amazing! He can carry two balls at once around in his mouth! It hurts like hell, but I’m very, very proud…”

“Not of that joke…”

“I don’t insult – I observe.”

“I still don’t understand why Twitter calls them ‘tweets’ instead of ‘twits’.”

“If my brain is lame, why wasn’t it the organ given the nickname ‘limp’?”

“If have a good mind to give your petulant right back to you!”

“My cat brought home a mouse… Now the two of them just sit in the corner and laugh at me.”

“Wake up! There will be more!” 

“A great newscaster leaves you hanging on his or her every word.
Oh, wait… that’s ‘noose caster’.”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when my bride brought a date to our wedding.”

“Some of these aren’t just sick, they’re terminal.”

“My kids thought Santa wore a brown suit and came in a brown truck. And then there was the tooth fairy…”

“My sarcasm wasn’t working, I had to go in for lip service.”

“Does supposition involve suppositories?”

“Once upon a time I lived happily ever after…but then it all went to crap.”

“Fermentation leads to good beer and ripe anger.”

“His intentions were good, but he didn’t intend them to be.”

“No one’s wrong about everything, but if you think everyone else is, you may be getting close?”

“The thing to remember about human failures is that yours are usually the only ones you can fix.”

“How can you not stand someone not standing?”

“You know, if everyone ever did do what you think they should you’d probably end up getting pretty sick of everyone always pestering you for advice.”

“Maybe it’s really your body escaping you when you die???”

“Forget respect, mercy may be a more appropriate request.”

“Kids always ask us ‘Why?’. We not only grow out of it, we get tired of it. That’s why kids are better.”

“For some people, being out of their mind is the sanest place for them to go.”

“They say ‘money is the root of all evil’… so grab a shovel and go look for the evilest looking tree you can find, that’s probably where they buried the treasure!”

“That’s as profound as a pothead calling a kettle stove black.”

“I was born again – right out of the church…”

“You may feel numb, but you can count on feeling number.”

“I’d like to drag people down to my level, but too many of them leap.”

“Maybe the first date of every month should be zero… like mine.”

“Think of it as just another drop in the bucket you should have kicked years ago…”

“Aren’t these wonderful?”

“We should all try being pollywogs at least once before we croak.”

“I am a canoe in a world of kayaks…”

“My daydreams dream about naps.”

“There aren’t a lot of cancer jokes (for some reason?)… just this one and maybe one or tumor.”

“But I do have shame! I just can’t find it…”

“Who are you to claim amnesia?”

“Divorce trials are where they put you on the stand to lie about someone you can’t.”

“Wouldn’t it work better if divorce lawyers had to pay the alimony?”

“When she told me she wanted to split up, she meant our assets, with her getting 99% of them.”

“A high price to pay is often cheaper than not.”

“Are inklings just tiny ink blots?”

“I went on an acid trip and fell on my face someone had stolen.”

                              

“They say life is about the journey, not the destination. Good. Fewer post cards.”

“The longer the trip, the more likely you’ll get the last two jokes.”

“If I was a Catholic, I’d study my dog’s expressions before I went to confession.”

“I was feeling pretty good about myself, but once I reached a little further…”

“I’m going to ask St. Peter if he really picked a peck of pickled peppers… and see where it gets me.”

“Today’s suggested practical joke: put a whoopee cushion in the coffin.”

“‘Don’t bother to look the basement’ is a sure sign you shouldn’t buy the house.”

“The best way to find out if a house is haunted is to read some of these out loud and listen for the groans.”

“Oh good… you have another suggestion! I bet mine is better…”

“Apparently my ‘in’ was an ‘out’.”

“Do software engineers wear soft hats?”

“Maybe we all just need to stop for a day…”

“Why is it proctology and not analogy?”

“Did I spell this write?”

“We just need to leave human survival to the whims of the wealthy and everything will be fine.”

“Although whenever a member of the 1% buys something that costs an arm and a leg, some poor person falls over.”

“Those kindergarteners were rough! I was being bullied by three of them and barely managed to get to my car in time to drive out of there!”

“Is it too late to vote for Bullwinkle?”

“My dog is confused. He keeps raising his back leg to shake hands with me.”

“I must finally be out of my slump! I’ve made it all the way from ‘lump’ to ‘clump’!”

“I asked her if I looked flushed. She said ‘No, but you look like you should be.’”

“What could be uglier than a jerky smirk on a smug mugger’s mug?”

“I wrote this one on January 2, 2017. Unlike the others, it is no longer ageless.”

"My dog and I have a love/hate relationship – I love him.”

“It wasn’t easy getting the ‘Most Improved Player’ award and still being the worst player on the team.”

Why are cars looking more and more like they’ve been punched in the lower lip?”

“I’m not sure what the solution is, but it just has to be at least 10% alcohol.”

“How encouraging is it that so many office-holding Democrats’ only real reaction to the election of Donald Trump has been to use him for fundraising?”

“Yeah, it’s probably the end of a habitable planet and all that, but at least we can now go to the beach all year round!”

“Product placement would be a lot more personally satisfying if they’d place their stupid products where I suggested.”

“‘Cantankerous’ even sounds good!”

“Why do people keep working away their whole lives when all they really have to do to get rich is visit a casino?

"I'm beginning to think I may never get myself that harem…”

“What could be more American than pretending failure is a success?”

“I'd like to think the bartenders love me for more than clearing out the bar for them by coming in just before closing time.”

“The smartest people are the ones who don’t think they are… and vice versa.”

“Today’s word: ‘flabbergasted’.”

“I would say there’s a thin line these days between what’s serious and what’s a joke… But I can’t – there is no line.”

“I think my cat is just playing out the string.”

“Being single, I get both confused and offended whenever someone asks me how my better half is doing.”

“It was the day after Christmas and I was, you might say, feeling a little ‘frisky’. So I told her she’d look pretty hot in a Santa suit! Sure enough, she slapped me. I cried: ‘But it’s Boxing Day!’ So she punched me.”

“Did Toto have anything to so with it being a yellow brick road?”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when the person standing behind the altar at my wedding was holding an ax.”

“Let me know if it ever freezes over down there – she promised me!”

“Turtles make great yoyo’s!”

“How did we ever survive without commercials???”

“I stumped the family tree.”

“Is ‘prenuptial’ something you do to set up a dyslexic pun?”

“Being in the mood, I went to the grocery store to buy a fryer, but they had none. So that’s what I bought. It tasted a little strange…”

“I got carried away at the party and my date dumped me in the bushes.”

“Brake, and then signal… got it! (Silly me – I had it backwards)”

“I put out a new kitty litter box last night and, sure enough, this morning it was overfilled with little empty beer cans.”

“Nothing would look better being worn in the oval office than a nice, new, white jacket with the arms in back! (And here I was going to go with a burlap sack with jingle bells on the elbows…)”

“Today’s second word: ‘disgorge’.”

“The rye bread maker came by and took my every caraway.”

“Misfortune is not the wealthy young lady she sounds like!”

“A pink elephant told me that pink elephants telling us what to think is just a conspiracy theory.”

“Other than that stray bullet, I didn’t have a lot going for me.”

“I was just kind of thinking, you know, that, what with the roller coaster car we’re riding in having left the tracks and all… I’m sorry, but… well… might it not be a good time to get out of it?”

“And run – because there will be more of these!!!”

“My New Year’s revolution was to misspell ‘resolution’.”

“I think I hear the cell phone ringing in the other room. I’m not getting up, so I sure hope it’s you.”

“If all the trees in the woods fall over and smash your bright idea into a million dull little pieces, but you refuse to see it, did it really happen?”

“Bodies? What bodies???”

“How can a team called the ‘Giants’ come up short?”

“Oops I misplaced another com,ma!”

“I told her I loved her. She said she was touched. The police believed her.”

“They told me to ‘Piss off!’, so I do.”

“Awwwww… The dog just licked my foot and then rolled over onto his back with his feet in the air to play dead!
Good dog!
Dog?
Dog???”

“I love your work, but prefer I don’t.”

“Be patient – it’ll get good one of these days!”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when my future in-laws put me on waivers before the wedding.”

“That Geico lizard thingy needs to get squashed.”

“I am my own worst critic, so I always have to do all the criticizing for me.”

“How could I ever forget my first shutout? She’d changed every single one of the locks!”

“Why don’t they spell it ‘rebait’?”

“I only play rough in golf.”

“You’d think even amateurs would be pro sports?”

“Isn’t it about time they take that poor baby of the board?”

“I may not be getting wiser, but my ass sure is!”

“New word: ‘fastidiocy’ – quick, yet detailed and accurately stupid.”

“I sit in a puddle of befuddlement.”

“It seems people want other people to only believe the fake news they believe.”

“Yup. They still think we’re all idiots… and half of us are doing our best to prove them right.”

“I prefer true gourmet dishes made with only the very best fresh, and preferably most exotic and rare, ingredients. Oh yeah… and anything gooey!”

“I remember when dad finally came out with it and admitted that I was his and mom’s only ‘accident’. I WAS theirs!!!”

“Are narcissistic cannibals too full of themselves?”

“Never shame a shaman!”

“The audience gave me a nice hand… but I’m not sure whose?”

“Today’s word: ‘flub’.”

“My belly lives outside the beltway.”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when even the worst drones would only put you to sleep.’”

“A drunk skeleton walks up to a parking meter and says, ‘Hey! I weigh an hour and a mop!’”

“My blabber may be blather, but my blubber is no Flubber.”

“If only life went ‘BOING!’…”

“Human beings, like the more intelligent animals, are meant to quietly hibernate, not drive themselves to work and bitch about the weather.”

“The faster the ‘fix’, the more likely it fails.”

“Do superheroes eat bologna?”

“A conspiracy! ‘Spam’ spelled backwards is ‘maps’… just a coincidence????”

“The only things ‘Russian’ about the last election is the hurry some are in to get us to forget they should be replaced for blowing it.”

“We needed Camelot, we got a Morgan le Fay impersonator and a used camel salesman… the latter rhyming with ‘hump’! (metaphor, conspiracy, or both???)”

“Did they think we said ‘authoritarian’ legend?”

“Speaking of repeating mistakes, isn’t ‘draining the swamp’ how we got here?”

“And can our ‘comedians’ please stop pretending ranting is funny now? (Well-timed insults are sooooo much better!)”

“(On a more serious note, I actually managed to permanently delete about 80 pages of those ‘more to come’ quips I keep referring to… but was able to find enough scrawled-out originals to retype most of them without even missing a double beat! So there will be more, afterall!)”

“I tried to write a photo abum but got too confused.”

“I was criticized so long I had to say ‘so long’.”

“Winning at all costs is losing.”

“I hate to contradict myself but no I don’t!”

“I don’t play ‘hard to get’… my jokes do.”

“Too bad we can’t stop to think about stopping to think.”

“Why do we find the one who knows the most to be the easiest to ignore?”

“I haven’t figured out yet just exactly how the cat bangs on the front door to come in…”

“I get all my news from the Onion.”

“Laugh all you want – it’s more accurate!”

“She said she cried when I left her. Must have pulled a muscle slamming the door behind me? Heck, most women only cry when they meet me!”

“As soon as she started in with the tongue lashing I knew I was licked.”

“Mental exercises give me cramps.”

“You’re just jealous of my crumpets!”

“My duck-billed platypus was greeted with f*ck-filled platitudes.”

“Is that a toupee or did a groundhog swallow your head?”

“Why do women want their lips to stick?”

“The online judge threw the Facebook at me.”

“His early life of crime was brought to a close when he was placed back in the crib.”

“Don’t blame me! I don’t believe I was even on Eva de Struction.”

“My date was sedated when she dated me… or something like that…”

“I needed to get downtown, so I stepped into a bus. This really upset the busdriver, who stormed out, pulled me off, and told me ‘next time step inside the bus!”

“Chess is a lot more fun when played with a hockey stick!”

“I climbed to the top of an ice-covered mountain to ask an old sage about the great lesson of life. He said ‘It’s simple: only an idiot would sit on top of an ice-covered mountain.’”

“Today’s word: ‘guttersnipe’.”

“Polite society is rude.”

“I felt refreshed but got reslapped.”

“Never hit a man with glasses. A fist works much better.”

“So… my rechargable electric toothbrush refused to turn off this morning (true!). I had to brush my teeth for over 45 minutes just to wear the battery down!”

“They told me to dress in drag, so I tied a sack of rocks onto a rope and attached it to the back of my belt.”

“I tried using a tow-hitch first, but it was too uncomfortable…”

“Was my retina detached, or was it me?”

“Why didn’t Horton hear a When, Where, or Why?”

“I tried an all-fish diet, but got hurt when I slipped on the scales.”

“She chased me three times all the way around the house, just to slap me. Gotta admire that determination!”

“I almost called these things ‘Revenge’, but that would have been giving too much away… and, being both part Scottish and part Welsh, I don’t like to give things away!”

“The woman of my dreams is still running my nightmares.”

“I built a cat house next to the dog house, and now the dog never has time to come in and see me anymore!”

“My pets fight over me, and I have a good mind to push them off…”

“I’d have to get pretty gosh-darned hammered to let anybody paint my nails.”

“‘D.C.’ = ‘Doesn’t Care’?”

“”I’m entranced by highway ramps.”

“I forgot what ‘lost’ means.”

“State Parks should rename every hiking path ‘Bud Can Trail’.”

“We weren’t sinking, it was just a German accent.”

“He keeps staring at me like this:

"

“I changed my password to ‘I^Know^Who^You^Are!’. Now all I have to do is see who looks nervous…”

“Does black ice matter?”

“(I apologize for slipping in that one…)”

“Aren’t the ‘Food’ and ‘Gas’ signs on the highway somewhat redundant?”

“Professional wrestling certainly is not a sport, but it is a great reenactment of our political system.”

“Was Genghis Khan a hoarder?”

“They asked me at the front desk if I was ‘checking out’ when I left the doctors… Gossips!”

“Only you idiots would keep calling people idiots.”

“You know, there was a time when electing a media celebrity as President might at least have gotten us Groucho.”

“Is this any way to run a country… into the ground?”

“I’d never realized that the term ‘relay race’ referred to the competition to get away from me fast enough not to be the one making the same mistake twice.”

“And here I was, trying to decide which leg was the sexiest…”

“What could be more useless than a plum out of good ideas?”

“If you answered ‘These jokes’ you are disqualified!”

“I may drive an automatic, but I’ll never escape the clutches of my manual transmissions.”

“Pay attention. There will be a test.”

“Let me start again by congratulating the millions of us for whom it took electing Donald Trump president to realize that he’s an idiot.”

“With a second round of applause for the Democrats, for showing him up by imitating him rather than showing us how not to.”

“If you lemmings allow them to close down the free and open Internet, I will have no choice but to come knocking at each and every one of your doors with these jokes.”

“‘Knock knock!’
 ‘Who’s there?’
 ‘You don’t want to know.’”

“The inner me wants a new outer me.”

“I bought a space heater, and now the area around Uranus is warmer.”

“‘Idiots’ – ‘Deep self’-absorbed ‘patriots’.”

“‘Patriots’ – A cheating Irish mob forming a militia in order to overthrow the government everyone else wants.”

“‘Time heals all wounds.’ That’s why we all look so much better as we get older.”

“They told me I should stand for something, but I held my ground.”

“Why are so many seasonings named ‘Herb’?”

“To tell you the truth, adding even one cook to your broth will ruin it.”

“Congress isn’t like just any sausage – it’s a poor man’s haggis that’s been left out of the fridge for a week...”

“I stopped smoking pot when I started worrying about whether the bonsai I had planted in one was giving me the evil eye.”

“One might think a haberdashery would sell cacti…”

“I was both befuddled and bedazzled. I was befuddazzled!”

“She said if seeing was believing, she wanted to see me be leaving.”

“I listed, then lusted, and sure enough, soon fell over you.”

                  A Love Song

              My love’s in vain
              and I’m not in Spain,
              that trip I can’t afford
                  to do

              The days are short,
              the nights are long,
              the mower’s frozen to the lawn…
                  I’m blue

              This is the winter
              of discountenance,
              the meter’s wrong in the sentence
                  by two

              But the stove is hot
              and I am not,
              and you’re a cold-hearted, nasty worm…
                  we’re through.


“But not with these!”

“But, before I go, I just have to ask: am I the only one who would sit in the waiting area outside a plastic surgeon’s office and wonder if the plants are real?”

“I swear we used to have more snow and less panic.”

“I also swear that most Americans (perhaps excluding millenials*) think ‘checks and balances’ refers to their bank account.”

*“(‘What’s a ‘check’?’)”

“Will HRC be the first unsuccessful presidential candidate to nevertheless start a war with Russia?”

“I struggle to find myself, but they keep hiding me.”

“That stool softener gave me a real run for my money!”

“The nesting doll had babies!!!”

“Today’s word: ‘bewildered’.”

“Being in something of a hurry, I overlooked the overlook.”

“I was so bad at poker, every time I tried to pass it was intercepted.”

“What if our genomes are really garden gnomes?”

“I painted myself into a corner… but they still found me.”

“The song in my heart is a blues yodel.”

“I speak my own languish.”

“My scholarship sailed away without me.”

“I’d be embarrassed to see my daughter, Em, that way…”

“The barstools were quite uncomfortable, what with my hemorrhoids and all, so I tried using a stool softener. Didn’t help things at all.”

“In my humble opinion, I am. But in my other opinions, I’m not!”

“My dog and I went to the choir audition. It was fun! We just started singing away with the rest of the group, having a grand old time, until we noticed how befuddled the instructor looked. He came out from behind the podium and worked his way down each line, listening carefully to each of us, one by one, until he at last got to where we were. That’s when he suddenly smiled and nodded his head, as if he’d finally figured something out.
He kicked me out and kept the dog.”

“Now that I’m older I only buy irregular clothes.”

“I used to give my dogs scraps. That is, until I came across his secret scrapbook and found out what he really thought of me…”

“Someday I’ll have my own little vestibule and life will be wonderful!”

“Isn’t it odd how both my former client and I each wrote completely different autobiographies and yet both of them ended up with the title: ‘My Life Behind Bars’?”

“What the hell is a ‘civil’ war?”

“She had a stranglehold on my imagination. I should never have told her what I was thinking.”

“I took a vacation, but they made me bring it back.

“I was fishing for a compliment but got caught floundering.”

“Happy people on TV are depressing.”

“They said ‘That’s the way the cookie crumbles!’, so I’ve been watching them very closely ever since.”

“It takes more than a bag of marshmallows to bribe me!”

“She told me I should stand on my own two feet, but I was disinclined to believe her. I figured she just wanted me to get off of hers.”

“I was feeling so low that I started wondering whether the time had come where I should just dive off some bridge or something, but didn’t want to jump to any conclusions.”

“She blamed me for her contempt of courtship.”

“‘How many of us are there?’
‘Too.’”

“Some of these are so bad, I could almost not even repeat them. Perhaps there might be some substance more fitting than peat to bury them in?”

“What a gorgeous day… to be miserable!”

“I’m not crying – I’m merely making a public showing of what little is left of my liquidity.”

“He asked me for my daughter’s hand in marriage. I told him he would have to take all of her.”

“She suggested I not get smart with her, so I promised to keep things on her level.”

“I guess that must have really bugged her – she sprayed me with Raid.”

“My mentor was so impressed with me, he shouted out ‘Way to go!’… and pointed to the nearest cliff.”

“I drove to Rhode Island but I missed it.”

“It was an exciting morning. I swear I saw a snowflake on my way to join the panicked mobs at the grocery store!”

“Those poor dairy cows must wince when they hear ‘snow’ in the forecast.”

“I’m lactose intolerant intolerant.”

“Who’da thought that ‘culture wars’ would end up being a battle over whether to have any?”

“My therapist asked me how it was going with the ‘not dating’ thing. I told him I was ‘holding my own’. He slapped me.”

“I felt rather disoriented after my daughter told me the proper term is now ‘Asian’.”

“Does China have its own continental plate?”

“Todays unfortunate concept: Trade winds on an elevator.”

“I caught up with an old girlfriend the other day. The younger ones are still too fast.”

“My cellmate would never shut-up. He was serving a run-on sentence.”

“I ran out of money to pay the tab, so I ran out.”

“I took the dog with me golfing so he could tell me where to find the ball.”

“My cat thinks outside of the litter box.”

“Perhaps I need to increase my stamina. Yesterday I tried using a rowing machine and almost had a stroke.”

“Are John Lennon fans the ‘Imagine Nation’?”

“They told me it was closing time, so I bought a house.”

“‘You complete me.’

 ‘You’re an ass.’

 ‘Exactly!’”

“My pets are so alike! The cat just brought home a dead mouse and left it on the front doorstep for me... so the dog ran to get the neighbor.”

“Does ‘stupefied’ refer to the mummies that came least tightly wrapped?”

“Ever stop to think what the millions of impoverished Latin Americans must think of us for humorously naming one of our stores ‘The Banana Republic’?”

“I was on the dole once. Let me tell you – pineapples are very uncomfortable!”

“He was so low, he flunked ‘fink’!”

“I think my laundry just upped and walked down to the washing machine without me!”

“Jesus bought advertising space on a billboard?”

“I got back on my bike at the recycling center.”

“I told my therapist my extensions are killing me.”

“I was looking for love and found nothing. We were a perfect match!”

“Social Security says I have an unlisted number.”

“Why do they always put up all those ‘Wrong Way’ signs just before I drive home from the bar?”

“And how come for everyone else it’s ‘amber’, but for me it’s ‘old sap’?”

“Did you get a face-lift… or did your body droop?”

“Just for the fun of it, I went to the model railroad museum and walked around asking everyone ‘Is this any way to run a railroad?’ They threw me out.”

“Some say it was only fair, but I think I was railroaded!”

“What’s to fight a bout?”

“I took the road less travelled, too. But it turned out mine was because the bridge was out.”

“I love smelling the smell of snow in the air, although sometimes it clogs up my nose.”

“It may seem as if I’m always laughing at my own jokes, but the truth is I’m only pretending. I never listen to them.”

“I tried playing baseball as a kid, but they kept throwing the ball at me!”

“When did all the new seasons of the ‘same old same old’ TV shows all become ‘Events!!!’?”

“And why are all those critics always raving? Do they need meds?”

“I was feeling a little detached and was having a hard time remembering…”

“Statistics professor: ‘What were the odds?’

 Me: ‘My ancestors?’”

“I never really got to know any of our family pets. My parents were always bringing them in for the night the same time they were putting me out.”

“Her jaw dropped when she saw me, but I picked it up for her.”

“I used to get really stoked by all the family sitting around the fireplace in the evening.”

“How could a shackled ram make such a mess of my room?”

“The old Ford Model T used to have to turn around and back up hills when it was running out of gas. Now the whole country is doing it.”

“The American business model looks suspiciously like Benedict Arnold,”

“Some of my classmates went into Finance and got rich. I went into financed and helped them.”

“Our Founding Fathers apparently didn’t know beans, or they never would have used the words ‘well-regulated militia’.”

“Why would one need to uncover the naked truth?”

“I always felt a little bolder when I was stoned.”

“You cannot fool all of the people all of the time… but you sure can fool most of them!”

“Blame the dastardly villain who went and told us the truth!”

“The shirt came from the outfitters and needs to be returned. I’ve clearly outfitted it.”

“Ever wonder if they put eject buttons if cars and/or voting booths, how many would push them?”

“Too bad you can’t block Facebook from Facebook.”

“She told me she was looking for an outlet to help her to relax and relieve her inner tensions. I suggest she considered laying me, to rest. Big mistake!”

“There are two major problems with communication: being able to express your thoughts, and what happens after you’ve expressed them.”

“And there are two kinds of people in this world: 1) strangers. and 2) strangest.”

“Every girl I went out with in high school broke up with me. I was the town dump.”

“And, speaking of dorks in high school, I was the only kid there into Ford Falconry.”

“What has the technological revolution brought us? A woman who sits in your car tells you how to drive.”

“If I’m the dumb one, then how come you’re reading this?”

“New Christmas marketing concept: ‘Ornery Ornaments’.”

“Is ‘relatively’ stupid’s the highest level?”

“Is a male spinster a spunster?”

“He was never well hung, but once he started using those purple pills he was sure well sprung!”

“I find levity uplifting.”

“The dog had such a great time chewing his bone that I almost didn’t mind it was in my leg.”

“I asked her what she wanted me to get for Valentine’s Day and she said ‘lost’.”

“Is there a direct flight from Poughkeepsie to Sheboygan?”

“And is this ‘she boy’ thing for keepsies?”

“I’m sick of hearing people other than me complaining.”

“The best way to avoid a hangover is to get fatter, lower.”

“I’m so old, my ‘bright’ ideas burn whale oil. That’s right, my mind is a whale-oiled machine.”

“It can’t be that hard to figure out, or somebody would have.”

“I had a client once who walked into the lobby of an architectural firm carrying a sword, only to then just stand there, pretending he was a statue (true). There was nothing having him arrested accomplished that a few pigeons wouldn’t have done just as well (also true).”

“Common sense never has been.”

“Gut feelings only count as ‘thinking’ to those whose brains are lodged in the near vicinity of their gut.”

“As a reliable rule, the person everyone says is ‘crazy’ is the only one who’s not.”

“What voters might really need is a veto.”

“The only election fraud I’ve ever known to actually exist is usually the one running for office.”

“I feel mulch better now that we’ve covered that ground.”

“Who the hell even cares how far it is to Tipperary?”

“Butter.”

“Is a salted pork thief a hamburglar?”

“I asked pop some legitimate questions – he gave me some ‘illegitimate’ explanations.”

“Does Leonard the Bastard wear Leotards?”

“Is pious short for ‘pee on us’?”

“Lester left us in search of less toil.”

“I’m slow on the uptake but quick on the down draft.”

“I’d offer to take you on a date, but you strike me as being more of a dried fig type…”

“I heard that on the news that the news never spreads dishonest rumors…”

“We were the first ones to hear that we were mutually exclusive.”

 “My wonderful dog always barks like crazy to alert me if anything unusual might be approaching… like a nap.”

“If he left his heart in San Francisco, what did he leave in Sheboygan?”

“Do the same idiots look at all the millions of people Stalin murdered and say ‘We should have let Hitler win’???”

“I’d like to leave politics behind, but there’s too much of it down there already.”

“Many of these are rewritten – few rethunk.”

“I only thought about because I didn’t want to get hit.”

“I get my news from Saturday morning cartoons. They at least draw better caricatures.”

“Relationships are sort of a metaphor for my mornings. The first date I have invariably leads to an immediate dump.”

“‘Tis better to have loved to lose than never have hoped at all.”

“The wonder of most one-hit wonders is that they got the one.”

“I couldn’t reach her creature comforts.”

“She asked my if I wanted to wash the cheap dinner I’d just bought us down with a little drink. I said ‘Sure!’ She threw me in the river.”

“What do you tell the dog when he asks what’s really in his food?”

“The cats seem to already know. They prefer to refer to it by its Russian name: ‘Izengudenov’.”

“‘Why knot?’ is not a wise expression for a sailor to use. He could get flogged like a frog in the fog (and not mist)!”

“Aren’t pearls really just oyster poop?”

“I went on a hot date, but she was too cool to act comfortable and too cold to warm up to me.”

“When I told the kids that hamburger is made out of beef, their beef was that they couldn't believe me because I was always just being a ham.”

“Never say ‘I’m dying to make love to you’ to an impatient necrophiliac.”

“The DNA specialist said I had an efnome where my genome was supposed to be.”

“I ran out of excuses and into blame.”

“Our date got off to a horrible start when I mistakenly referred to her as ‘ham-gams’…”

“I must have look pretty cool visiting the mental ward. They mistook me for an ‘in’ patient!”

“My in-house is an outhouse.”

“My dog is my best friend… and he hates me.”

“Sour grapes make a good whine.”

“As luck would have it, it would only have it if it promised not to bring me along.”

“I know when I’m licked.”

“The cat’s rations better not be what they sound like…”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when the cars from my wedding lined up with their lights on to drive to the reception.”

“Whoever said that ‘brevity is the soul of wit’ never used Twitter, or had to read a text with ‘ur’ in it.”

“Don’t sweat. It might improve your aroma.”

“My prayers were with them... They were the cheapest thing I could send.”

“I left a little pee under the mattress so I could see if she was a princess. Turns out she was a drama queen!”

“The say they are looking for ‘Mr. Right’, but we all realize that, no matter who they come up with,  he'll never be right about anything.”

“Maybe people should be forced to actually read their own comments… for punishment?”

“Let’s label public discourse ‘fake news’ and ban it. That’ll cure everything!”

“I asked if I could have my portrait matted and framed, so they draped a bath mat over it and set it up.”

“Mom was second in line to slap me when I was born. But that’s a good thing – the queue led out the door, down the hall, through the lobby, and out into the parking lot.”

“Now that you’ve shown me all that I’ve been missing without you in my life, could you possibly go back into hiding”

“So… never tell the pretty young lady you are trying to talk up that you are only looking for a sidekick.”

“Would life have been different if they’d named me ‘Wolf’?”

“There will be more!”

"('Blaine'?)"


“(‘Wolfblaine’???)”


“Is hippopotamus?”

“She prophesied that we would all be murdered by a rogue prostitute… It truly sounded horrendous.”

“They get worser!”

“Spellchek isn’t working.”

“Workplace discrimination is okay with me. I always discriminate against workplaces!”

“I have an incredible collection of post cards, mostly of prisons and mental hospitals. Oddly enough, they all say ‘I wish you were here!’ and are signed by former clients!”

“Whoever said that grocery stores are a great place to meet women evidently never stood naked in the frozen food section.”

“‘Fugging’ actually sounds better.”

“The ‘Dear John’ letters I get are always addressed to ‘To Whom It May Concern’…”

“Could the chip off the old block on one’s shoulder cause one to chop off the whole block?”

“It was never lonely under the couch.”

“They asked me for
a résumé, so I stormed back to where I’d left off.”

“It turned out they were looking for a piece of paper with my employment and educational history listed on it, so I ran to the men’s room to get one!”

“(They didn’t laugh, either.)”

“Grimacing at what I had provided them, they asked me for an updated résumé. instead. It took me quite a while to even find one, but, at long last, I managed to dig up a résumé I’d written early in my career… and updated it into Middle English.”

“For a cover letter I chose a giant ‘Q’, figuring no one would ever bother to look under it.”

“Couldn’t God have come up with a better hobby?”

“She told me it wasn’t my cross to bear. So I showed her my obelisk… (She slapped me!)”

“Daddy met mummy in a museum.”

“I cooly slid over and asked her if she wanted a ‘wingman’. She said ‘Sure!’ and dumped a pile of chicken bones in my lap.”

“I believe I believe. In other words, I’m not sure I’m not sure. In fact, the only thing I’m sure of is that I’m not sure what any of this means…”

“Oh darn. They said tongue ‘in’ cheek, not ‘on’ cheek.”

“She asked me if I would go out with her – apparently she didn’t want to die alone?”

“My hearing is definitely going, and it’s making dating tough. I couldn’t tell if she was warning me to ‘chicken out’or asking me to ‘check it out’… Either way, I knew I was going to get plucked.”

“It’s not that I really have anything against all the different costumes everyone wears for whatever they may be doing at the moment – it’s just that I’m only comfortable in the one.”

“She whooped me with her slapstick”

“So I went to the local diner and asked: ‘Are you still serving breakfast, or did the Health Inspector come by?’”

“It turned out he was the guy next to me, passed out in his soup.”

“I knew she was one tough waitress when she asked me “Do you want those eggs over easy, like your mother?’…”

“I still have a scar on my neck from when she asked me for her tip.”

“So maybe we shouldn’t had our pizza delivered to her restaurant that time?”

“I got the raw fish and blackened coffee.”

“And I’d ordered a BL&T with a glass of water…”

“When we asked if she would split the bill for us she pulled out a cleaver.”

“We may or may not have been too late for breakfast, but we sure as heck hoped we weren’t too late to break fast!”

“Maybe she’d been drinking the coffee???”

“Blame these on mine?”

“The leaking tire tried to flatter me.”

“The deep thinkers still have us in deep.”

“Mankind has always been dependent on kind women.”

“I can’t wait to find out what the next stage of crazy will be!”

“Maybe we need to look outside our churches and halls of government for our moral leaders?”

“Oh dear… That one was sad?”

“Hey! Someone spiked the vodka!!!”

“Did anyone else hear booing when they were born?”

“How about now?”

“’I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when a radiator was a contraption you got heat out of, not a glass of tap water.'”

“I’m so glad we’re bringing back the Cold War… I bet the Civil War would be a blast, too!”

“Some people make fun of cats for sleeping all day. I’m in awe of them.”

“‘This is getting us nowhere.’

‘Good! We’ll be home soon!’”

“Most circular arguments are really whirlpools, just waiting to suck us in.”

“New bumper sticker: ‘Keep Sarcasm Sacred!’”

“I’d move to a cabin in the woods, but that would be too lodgical.”

“Run-on sentences run on gas.”

“Would she go out with me if I was the next-to-the-last man on Earth?”

“We’ve almost made it to where watching people watching sports on TV is the thing.”

“Neither boringger nor blander be.”

“Most legal arguments should be illegal.”

“They told us that if you say something three times, most people would believe it is true. But they only told us that once…”

“I was too happy to cross-examine the witness.”

“The dregs of society aren’t that much different than the flotsam.”

“Maybe the problem real is that, you know, now that we no longer have blacksmith shops, there is’nt really any place for bellows to go other than politics?”

“I truly believe, deep in my heart, that there is an honest politician.”

 “My mirror is a liar!”

“If most alcoholics struggle with their addictions, is it fair to say that most winos grapple with grapes?”

“Oh, the lengths I could go to to make a ‘Grape Nuts cereal killer’ joke…”

“If I wanted everything to go wrong, it might just go right?”

“Apparently, the first accident I was involved in occerred even before I was even born…”

“Stupid neighbors complained about my yodeling practice…”

“I actually believed everything she said until she got to ‘To tell you the truth…’.”

 “I have a good mind to take up tuba!”

“Well enough with the leaving well enough alone crap!”

“What we need is more strumpets with trumpets!”

“And let’s leave crazy Donald out of that one…”

“Might not (however) the Secret Service’s code name for Trump be ‘Donald, Duck!!!’?”

“We need to go back to politicians with names like ‘Millard’, if only for the campaign slogans?”

“If my ex ran for office, would her campaign slogan be ‘I’m not with him!’?”

“And shouldn’t Trump’s have been “Make America Grape Nuts Again’???”

“There’s nothing like a good joke – and this is nothing like one. And it’s nothing like a new joke, either!”

“The inventor in me is thinking that this old guy’s need to go all the time and the search for renewable energy sources may yet lead to a brilliant idea…”

“She told me to ‘keep the fires burning’. Only then did I first notice that she’d torched the house.”

“My date must be planning to test me… She told me to ‘cram it’.”

 “It’s snowing out. I can almost hear the panicked screams of people in pasing cars racing to the gorcery stores…”

“Be afraid. Be very afraid. Post your fear on Facebook. Be even more afraid because people are posting about being afraid on Facebook. Post that, too. You will feel better!”

“Actually, I’m afraid not…”

“Personally, I find the best antidote to undo fear and panic is to look in the mirror first thing in the morning. After that, nothing’s even half as scary!”

“It’s an image I both want and need to block out before heading out in search of that poor lady who might actually find me attractive enough to date. It’s also the image any women who think I might think would want to date me then try to block out with, deadlocks, large furniture, and nailed-up boards across the door.”

“Meeting you was one of the most unforgettable events of my life. I can honestly say I’m glad to have dementia."

“And yet old jokes never die…”

“And since that includes me, there will be more!”

“I walked up to Shelly Long and asked ‘Why the sad face?’”

“‘They threw me out of the barn!'

  'Oh dear. Did you say anything?'

  'Yes!. I protested vehemently.'

  'And they didn't listen to you?' 

  'They acted like they didn’t understand a single word I said!’

  ‘Well, that doesn’t seem quite fair. But then, you have been acting a little sickly of late... Perhaps you were feeling a little hoarse?’”

“Today’s word: ‘gargle’.”

“My car’s coil was eaten by a gargoyle!”

“What do you get if you take the TP out of the TPP? (About says it all, no?)”

“I’d hate to pass away and be late for my nap.”

“I’m so old, my mug shot’s shot.”

“Of course there must be something wrong with me. And the other part I can’t even find!”

“I may have burned all the way down to a pathetic ember and then gotten peed on to put me out, but could you, please, nevertheless, for my grandchildren's sake, exaggerate a little and tell them that I went out in a blaze of glory?”

“Why has no one written a novel novel about naval navels?”

“It takes a lot of balls to throw out the first one.”

“Only a twit would snicker at snooker.”

“There’s entirely too much leaping going on.”

“Can your heart flutter and your stomach churn at the same time?”

“Put that on the list of things to think about.”

“The proper response to ‘Where were we?’ is ‘You were just leaving’.”

“Can someone please explain cucumbers to me?”

“Methinks the ‘Lost Civilization’ is ours?”

“The question isn’t how crazy things have to become before people actually do something to fix them, but rather how crazy things have to become before people don’t do something even crazier in response...”

“It will all be solved by a Tweet from the bathroom.”

“Suddenly, both ‘Do Nothing’ and ‘Do-Doo’ Congresses look strangely attractive…”

“The captain told him to lose the list, and the ship’s cook never got his groceries.”

“Are you sure he didn’t say ‘We have nothing to fear except we ourselves’???”

“How could anyone inheriting the Earth be considered ‘blessed’?”

“So the oceans are rising… good thing we haven’t poisoned them!”

“I heard on a news flash they found a million-year old lert encased in amber.”

“I’m afraid I dropped some money when I was at the bar. If any of you happen to find any lying around, could you please pay my tab with it?”

“Personally, I happen to think young lesbians are great. I’d much rather be rejected for my age and gender than for my lack of looks or personality.”

“Saying ‘Let’s not get carried away’ only works when you’re not the only one being carried away.”

“I just awoke from a long winter’s nap. He was right – these jokes work!!!”

“He was playing with half a deck and ultimately stumbled. Now we call him ‘Bilge’.”

“No one will play solitaire with me.”

“Table tennis ruined dinner.”

“Why do you need reservations about going some place to eat?”

“Raindrops keep falling on my stairway to heaven.”

“Someone left the cake out in the rain and it seemed dreamlike on account of the frosting.”

“Someone told mom ‘It’s okay – sometimes dim bulbs grow into bright flowers!’. She shoved a petunia down their throat.”

“They say ‘their’ is plural and shouldn’t be used with the singular, but then not many of us are really singular, are we?”

“Grammar is for grammas!”

“She had comatose.”

“I hate to burden you with these, but I do feel lighter already!”

“‘I remember,’ the old guy in the corner grumbled, ‘when the people walking down the street talking to themselves weren’t pretending to be on their cellphones.’”

“We should listen to the old guy in the corner.”

Saturdays’

http://cappyworld.blogspot.com/p/saturdays.html

Volume 64, 1/17/17

 “I should have known it was a bad omen when we tried to check out the broadcast of our wedding ceremony and found out there was no reception.”

“They don’t give cartoon characters names like ‘Woody the Woodpecker’ anymore…”

“Moaning is good for you!”

“I was feeling terrific

until she became specific,

and I knew without doubt

she wanted me out,

before I could rhyme with ‘specific’.”

“Maybe they should just put ‘poison’ on the label in place of those last twelve ingredients?”

“Needing an extra dose of manliness after being neutered in divorce court, I went down to the local ‘sportsmen’s’ club and told them I wanted to become a hunter. They looked me over carefully and declared: ‘Sure thing – we should start by teaching how to track.” I was so excited! We all dressed up in really cool camaflauge

“Never trust a smiling cat.”

“Part of me wants to swap the eye poster at the retina doctor's office with the dog poster at the vet...”

“I was feeling a little too distant, she was feeling a little too close.”

“You look better without glasses.…”

“Perhaps one example is no longer more than enough?”

“Apparently, the difference between tragedy and farce depends on what political party you are in?”

“I've heard that adult coloring books are the new thing. From what I can tell, finger painting may be coming next.”

“Maybe it's time to stop blaming the misled and start focusing on the misleading?”

“I feel graced by your beauty but glanced by your charm.”

“I want to do all the things in my next life that I was accused of doing in this one…”

“I was feeling pretty low... until I looked down and saw you.”

“Maybe I don't believe in fate, but fickle fingers? Absolutely!”

“Why, the last time I saw you wasn't the last time, I'll never know!”

“Does smelting melt smelts?”

“Maybe having men hover around you like flies isn't really a good sign?”

“Ever slug down a gossip?”

“Gargle a swallow?”

“Grapes got nuts?”

“Sure I love free spirits… but I can't afford them.”

“‘Penis’ is a silly word.”

“And then there's ‘scrotum’.”

“Why can't paid vacations include overtime?”

“One's taste in poetry is subjective. Trust me, I've been subjected to more than my share of it.”

“They were going to give Tom thumb a Viking funeral, but they only had long-ships.”

“I enjoy a good joke as much is the guy next to me. Actually, I prefer the good joke a whole lot more.”

“Apparently, ‘I love your wrinkles’ is not a good pick up line…”

“I have no problem with leaving my outside Christmas lights up at least through Easter. By then, you see, they’re guaranteed not to work. It’s the only time nothing can go wrong with the stupid things.”

“Now that I've reached the appropriate age, I would like to suggest that the local bar initiate ‘Guzzling Geezer Night’.”

“The title ‘grandfather’ has nothing to do with how much money I have in my banking account.”

“It's a good thing I froze my banana!”

“I guess the overwhelming frustration at this age is not having a front porch to sit on and throw rocks at passing kids from.”

“I’d go for a drive in the mountains, but it's awfully confusing going uphill when everything else is going downhill.”

“I used to have a high-fidelity music system. It only played for me.”

“My therapist says I have too many sexual hang-ups. I must have told him how everytime I start talking about sex, she hangs up on me.”

“They asked me to support the local police. I said ‘Why, are they still falling over?” Did you know they don’t have mattresses in jail?”

“Didn’t I mention that I accidentally deleted all the good ones?”

“(I keep trying to remember what they were, but for some strange reason my mind seems to have blocked them out?)”

“I worry about what the dog tells his shrink about me…”

“My guardian angel just checked into rehab.”

“Who did the weeding in the Garden of Eden?”

“‘What would Jesus do?’ Most likely, turn back… and run.”

“My college called and asked me to make a pledge. I explained that I was the wrong person to ask, as I still hadn’t given them the money I'd promised ten, twenty, and thirty years ago. And yet those dastardly bastards still tried to turn me into a liar by making me pledge even more!”

“George Washington lied about not lying about that cherry tree.”

“I’m sorry, but ‘I’m not going to your party’ is a pretty pathetic act of defiance and opposition.”

“Did you know that when you walk down a city street and shout ‘Do you need a hug?’ to every woman you see on the opposite sidewalk, not a single one of them can hear you? Pretty amazing, don’t you think?”

"Most legacies start and end in back, just above the legs…”

“One wonders if, to too many people, it doesn’t matter what it’s a metaphor for once they notice I couldn’t come up with anything for ‘three-three’?”

“What exactly is this ‘sipid’ thing, and why does she keep telling me I’m ‘in’ it???”

“My glass is neither half empty nor half full – it’s cracked, all the way down to the bottom.”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘I remember when… when………  Dang! I forgot!’”

“Who’s default is it when there’s a run on your snow bank and it collapses?”

“Hey, I’m a worsenist…”

“I worked my way through the line of people waiting to buy their plane tickets, shaking each one’s hand and saying ‘fare well!’. Not a one of them got it…”

“Hey, the TSA should have thrown me out long before that – everyone knows most of my jokes are bombs.”

“I actually got thrown out of an airport for making a joke once, long before there even was a TSA (true).” 

“They told me I should only handle blunt objects, but man was she blunt when I tried to!!!”

“I snuck into an NRA convention to make a motion in support of rational gun control and got shot down.”

“Sometimes late a night, when I’m up in Maine on the somewhat remote lake where Stephen King also has a cottage, I like to step out into the pitch black dark and scream (also true!)”

“Everyone who was in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ is dead.”

“We all benefit from ‘the open marketplace of ideas’, but the fact that some idiots are still trying to sell the ‘idea’ that the Civil War wasn’t about slavery does test the limits of idiocy…”

“Wait – there is no limit. Never mind.”

“I took marine biology to learn the purpose of porpoise – and flunked.”

“I don’t have the remotest idea where I left the channel changer…”

“(Probably threw it in the garbage disposal when I realized I couldn’t turn off the media’s obsession with Trump)”

“Gotta say it one more time. Really, I do... (sigh): When you’ve just lost an election to the most clearly mentally ill candidate in history, you need to stop blaming everyone else.”

“(I’ll quit repeating it when somebody actually listens... I promise.)”

“Do trees feel relieved when it’s spring?”

“My grandson calling me ‘Pop Pop’ was really cute… until someone gave him a pin.”

“No sooner had I started out on my new career than I found myself headed straight to the top. Unfortunately, they found me, too, and had security throw me out.”

“I confused the Rogaine with the Viagra again… and my new, pointy hairdo is hardly the worst of it…”

“Never say ‘Hi!’ to Jack in the airport.”

“Ever notice how we don’t have celebrities with cool names like ‘Gail Storm’ or Chill Wills’ anymore?”

“The ASPCA just called and told me to stop trying these jokes out on the dog…”

“I just wrote a novel entitled ‘What Has this World Come To?’. It’s a short one. You open it, and it says ‘The End’.”

“Both my therapist and my agent suggested keeping things simple. They each think I’m troubled by a thought complex.”

“Actually, I don’t have an agent. Why would I ever hire anyone who would represent someone as willing to repeat this old joke as I am?”

“They used to call a suitcase a ‘grip’. We lost ours.”

“Isn’t blowing people up entertaining?”

“Ever notice how no one complains about the pot calling the kettle white?”

“I vote for the ones who will stab me in the back. That way I can pretend they aren’t there.”

“‘Fake News’ is a ‘conspiracy theory’. But that’s okay, because ‘conspiracy theories’ are ‘fake news’. So, is everyone happy now?”

“Methinks the ferrets have escaped!”

“Ever notice how Italians all speak in italics???”

“My travel agent called back and suggested I vacation at some really hot sounding resort somewhere in the Marshall Islands. It sounded great! I mean, how could a place called the Bikini Atoll not be perfect?”

“I told her she looked radiant… and she started crying. She was from Chernobyl.”

“She was a social climber. So, realizing she’d picked absolutely the wrong mountain. she kept trying to get down off of me.”

“It appears that ‘fact-checking’ is about knocking the facts clear out of the rink.”

“If he/she is a loving god, why did she/he invent liver?”

“Are Tootsie Rolls pornographic???”

“I took my garbage to the dump and it threw me away.”

“Some people are likened to encyclopedias of knowledge. I get compared to magazines. They say I have issues…”

“They told me to go to the end of the line. I was there all day. People kept showing up to be in front of me.”

“I wasn’t delivered by a stork. I was delivered by two police officers and a representative of the hospital my parents had accidently left me at.”

“Make France great again. Give Trump a Napolean hat and send him there.”

“And throw in what’s-her-name, too. Just because…”

“Think of it: our morons could go back to calling them ‘French fries’!”

“‘As Teddy Roosevelt said, "Blog softly but carry a big shtick".
[And this was before Al Gore invented the internet!]’ - Timothy Dupay, guest contributor.”

“I don’t know about the rest of you, but, personally speaking, I’ve found that lying through my teeth pretty much always gives it away.”

“Women these days seem to all claim to be really into doing yogurt. So I decided to take it up, too, So far I’ve only mastered one position: sitting in a tub.”

“The Universe means everything to me.”

“How come a ‘fat chance’ is slim or none?”

“I almost hurt myself trying to get my exercise bike to spin…”

“Why doesn’t opportunity use the doorbell?”

“He used to live in the outskirts of town, but only because he couldn’t afford to wear the more fashionable ones.”

“If the truth hurts, then it ain’t the truth that’s really been hurting you.”

“I truly wish I’d never heard the stupid phrase ‘food for thought’. I made me get fat… and still can’t figure anything out.”

“I rubbed Rogaine onto my bald tires.”

“Speaking of tires, how come cars come with tiny spare ones now, but not me?”

“I tell people mine is just a floatation device to get me through life.”

“The arms are starting to get flabby, too. Yesterday a wind kicked up and I ended up in Pittsburgh.”

“Don’t be dissing my combobulations!”

“Speaking of retreads, I rubbed Rogaine onto my old tires.”

“The goal here is to make it impossible for anyone to slander me…”

“These things just come flowing out of me during certain hours of the day. Please remind me to cross-check the availibility of the rubber room?”

“Why is blind idiocy so contagious?”

“Kruschev, Bush… we need more shoes in politics…”

“And isn’t ‘athlete’s foot’ a little overly romantic a term for foot fungus?”

“Let’s ask Gus!”

“Maybe it’s time for Buddha to butt in?”

“My mistake was joining a losing because.”

“Dear Darwin: How come whenever we approach an actual crisis, the overwhelming response is always to run around screaming and yelling like a species-wide pack of raving idiots… huh?”

“‘Say what?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Close. Try again.’

  ‘Try what again?

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Yes what?’

  ‘Right!’

  ‘What’s right?’

  ‘You can say that again!’

  ‘I don’t want to!’

  ‘You don’t want to what?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Why didn’t you just say so?’

  ‘Say what?’

  ‘What.”

  ‘Don’t be a wise ass.’”

“If everyone’s sick, but no one realizes it, who do we send the ‘Get Well’ card to?”

 “She said I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a sharp instrument, so I bought a tuning fork for my ukulele.”

“I just found out my lute is a lyre!”

“The last lady said I should only be allowed to use dull instruments, so I attacked her with my wit!”

“(I couldn’t find my tambourine)”

“And. speaking of tubas, how come you never see anyone serenading with one?”

“The dog is barking to get out. I have to stop repeating these out loud…”

“Beaver Cleaver is one sick concept.”

“She told me to ‘go with the flow’, and then flushed.”

“Should I be worried about the old tank down in the basement?”

“I’ve been laying off the politicians a mite… attention only seems to get them excited.”

“Here’s an ‘up’ side: Now that we have Trump, we don’t have to argue about whether prostitutes, lawyers, or politicians are the lowest form of life anymore!”

“(Oops! I just fed him an ‘attention’…)”

“Who’da thunk electing a carnie would have brought us a freak show?”

“Now that Washington is completely encased in its own bubble, can’t we just quietly blow it out to sea?”

“Yeah, yeah. all those poor turtles and whales... But we’re endangered, too?”

“‘Some people say I’m too fragile,’ he cracked.”

“Maybe what we need is someone to yodel from the top of the Washington Monument every morning?”

“Why have we ceded control of pretty much everything to the top .01%? Aren’t there hundreds of other people who could have screwed things up almost as badly???”

“I asked her how I did. She said I was ‘fine’, at first, but screwed up when I was on top.”

“Somebody should have left you in Vegas.”

“My parents left my inheritance to my imagination.”

“‘We have to stop meeting like this,’ I told her, rolling out from under her bed.”

“The police didn’t think it was funny, either.”

“It was a slow day until you chipped in. Now it’s a slower day…”

“So she started in with the old ‘I told you to stay away from sharp instruments!’ routine. I said ‘Can’t you at least wait until we get the knitting needles out of my chest?’”

“My dear friend fell and broke his leg while we were hiking up in the mountains. He sent me to get help. Do you happen to know any good psychiatrists?”

“I needed a new door, so I went over the the neighbors and took the back way to get there.”

“Why shouldn’t we all dress like idiots???”

“As I write this I am following what I call a ‘constant’ driver… You know the type, the ones who drive at 35 mph regardless of the speed limit, type of road, or how many stop signs or stop lights they have to go through to maintain it.”

“If I could, I’d throw this laptop at him.”

“And how about paying for highway maintenance through a new special ‘owner’ tax, as in one only levied on those who drive as if they own the damn thing?”

“She asked me if all I do is complain. I told her there were no other options, or I’d have arrived better looking.”

“I wrote this one on Thursday the 12^th, while I still had something to look forward to.”

“The nice police officer asked me if I knew I was dragging my muffler. I told him I had lost my mittens, too.”

“He told me I should have signalled left. I said ‘But I’m still here!’”

“Life got a whole lot easier once I found out you could walk facing forward on the sidewalk.”

“She said ‘You’re funny looking.’ I said ‘And funny, too!’ She said ‘You’re funny looking.’”

“They told me to look for the Main Street in Augusta, but they all were.”

“What’s a Smart Car doing in the Slow Vehicle Lane?”

“One of the great joys of growing older is forgetting what to reminisce about.”

“New word: ‘neward’ – Moving toward the use of new words.”

“Do not confused it with ‘gnuward’ – that’s where they keep the crazy gnus.”

“The sign said ‘Walk Up ATM’, but, sure enough, it sat right where it was and I had to walk up to it.”

“It’s not that hard to determine the motive for the murder when the alleged ‘victim’ was a poster of motivational posters.”

“Put on a great big, fake smile and loudly proclaim ‘Have a nice day!’ It’s guaranteed to ruin somebody’s…”

“Remember this: ‘humor’ is a coping mechanism. And that, of course, makes old jokes ‘coping saws’. Coping saws are the manual versions of the those ‘jig’ saws that are commonly used to create jigsaw puzzles. Now consider the fact that there is no better way to reach out to those feeling lost, confused, and even angry… as they stand puzzled by the outrages of life… than with empathy. Hence, here in these most confusing of times, nothing brings it all together, or drives it away (which might be better?), quite like an endless discharge of pathetic jokes from a pathetic old joke!”

“(Please, there’s no need to thank me!)”

“(You already knew that….......... didn’t you.)”

“But also remember: ‘One card does not ‘half a deck’ make’.”

 “Having nothing to speak of, I went to the bank to tell the teller the truth before she could tell me I had nothing to speak of.”

“Sit for five minutes in a psychiatrist’s waiting room listening to the ‘music’, and you’ll need one.”

“I’m going to create a dish called ‘abdom’, just so I can use the slogan: ‘Get some abdom in your abdomen’!”

“I was absolutely obsessed and upset with my abscessed abs… as well as the utter absence of absinthe with which to abscond in order to help me forget them… or this.”

“We had a lot in common. She was pretty, and I was pretty old.”

“Don’t complain about the play with words. It was even worse without them.”

“Why don’t we just relabel ‘romance’ the ‘pre-disappointment stage’ and get on with it?’

“Our mistake was losing baseball as our great sports metaphor. Maybe if we hadn’t we’d have been quicker to question anyone or anything with the word ‘ump’ in it.”

“(Personally, I could use the extra strikes…)”

“How do you harvest moon?”

“Have you noticed how the ‘people’ from Boston end even their name for soup with word with ‘duh’?”

“Or, as you move down the eastern seaboard from that ‘fair’ city to our nation’s capital, food goes from beans to apple to lemons?”

“Did the vegan die yet?”

“What we all need is a better ointment.”

“If you say ‘sucks at sex’ fast enough it sounds like ‘success’!”

“Don’t ask.”

“I tried playing solitaire, but my partner kept quitting. (Yes, I know I already made pretty much the same joke, but I didn’t want it to feel alone?)”

“There are times I simply feel like I’ve been swallowed by a wobble in time…”

“Can you believe it? Every few feet she kept turning around and accusing me of stalking her! And this went on for three days!!!”

“The dog and I just had a long talk. He thinks I need help…”

“The refrigerator told me the same thing yesterday.”

“I’m not sure exactly what’s going on in the world these days, but it does sort of seem as if God must have originally written this script for the Marx Brothers…”

“(There were only three Stooges…)”

“Got it! Pedophile Russians were hacking into pizzas in a plot to save the world from Hillary/Trump by uncovering and sharing the truth beneath the cheese spread by major media in their attempts to cover up the crust of what’s really going on, who’s murdering whom with vaccines, who’s working for whom for how much, who’s screwing whom (and how old were they???), where, or that it’s all one, incredibly fatty and unappetizing lump in the middle of the whole blamed greasy mess that only an idiot would be fool enough to swallow…

Or something like that?”

“We don’t need more people telling us to worry, we need more people proving we don’t have to worry about them.”

“My parents were way ahead of their time in terms of discipline. Yup – they gave me many a ‘time out’. And when I came to, they’d send me to bed without supper.”

“I was the only one in belly-dancing class dancing as a couple.”

“Should a few more of these come to mind, I’ll mind them for a while and then post them for everyone else to mind.”

“I think we’re infected.”

“Sorry folks, but any race of space alien smart enough to travel here would be smart enough not to come.”

“I did see a flying saucer once, though. Unfortunately, it was the flying frying pan that landed.”

“Maybe if they gave them smaller trucks the town crew would slow down enough to plow people 'out' instead of 'in'?”

“I wasn’t sure, at first, why you never shoot an arrow straight up into the air… but then it hit me.”

“She said she really had to hand it to me. Then she ran like hell and it blew up.”

“Every now and then I am officially recognized as a genius. Then Wikipedia edits me out again.”

“I finally found the love of my life! And as much as I hate to admit it, it was the noose they’d tied around my neck that made it happen…”

“Another lesson learned: the correct phrase is ‘Is this seat is taken?’, not “I’m taken with your seat!’.”

“Honestly, until she pulled out that cleaver, I actually thought she really liked me!”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when someone left our wedding cake out in the rain and then sang about it for 20 minutes…”

“She had a face to launch a thousand ships, and a body to sink them before they could get away.”

“Political jokes just aren’t quite as funny as they used to be.”

“They tell me I have too much time to think. Gee, aren’t we lucky they don’t???”

“Running around in circles makes a lot more sense than running around in squares.”

“We need the bring back the town crier. It’s just too damn depressing with everyone doing it at home.”

“Oh good – the stage is all set for a war with Russia… I guess someone will have to iron the curtains?”

“‘Boots on the ground’ sounds harmless enough, but where will we put the bodies?”

“The only thing we learn from our mistakes is how to blame other people for making them.”

“The dog is wagging his tail. The cat is purring…

They’re up to something!!!”

“Every year mom would donate my old clothes to charity. But I’d climb out of them and come back.”

“It took some effort, but I finally managed to blow all the snow off the driveway, come back in, and sit down to watch the game. An ad came on for snowblowers. Who knew they made machines for that!!!???!!!”

“I went out for a cold one and came home with my wife.”

“It went okay until finally the time came for me to go out again… through the window.”

“Why are hopes false and pain true?”

“I developed a great exercise routine! I tell people I exercise, and they all laugh.”

“But I do always try to get in the first laugh. That way they’ll be laughing with me when they’re laughing at me.”

“I’m nobody’s stooge! (Somebody didn’t want me.)”

“Every journey begins with a single step – and ends with a single stop.”

“I said ‘Goodnight’. She replied ‘Now it is!’”

“I went to Italy to see the ruins and, sure enough, found my life in them.”

“Maybe if I’d paid attention instead of daydreaming my way through high school I wouldn’t have flunked that test on the Roaming Empire?”

“My eyesight's going – don’t blame me for these things!”

“(I think it’s heading out to search for my mind?)”

“I do wish it had waited until after I’d read that recipe for pee soup…”

“Her scolding was scalding – no wonder I’m balding!”

“Did ancient Egyptians keep the bees in Thebes?”

“Luxury apartments in Luxor?”

“And did Cleopatra perhaps think Marc Antony had told her she had a ‘cute asp’???”

“I must be envious of The Blues, I keep singing The Greens.”

“There’s pretty much only one way to skin a cat – and it hurts…”

“Dang eyes! I thought it said ‘girdle cakes’!”

“The doctor said I had striped throat, so I clocked him with a good sock in the mouth, and never plaid my bill. Now I wonder if he did it by design?”

“I failed my first flight test when I chased all the models off the runway.”

“I always land on defeat.”

“Wait… don’t tires rotate themselves?”

“Sure, life is a cycle, but mine appears to have been dumped in the wrong recycling bin.”

“In politics, they call it ‘spin’…”

“Let’s skip the obsession we’re already having with the 2020 election and jump straight to 2024. After all, the whole point is to be the first one getting it, even if it’s wrong, right?”

“That which you refer to as being ‘nothing to laugh at’ just happens to be exactly the something we need the most to laugh at...”

“Thank goodness I wasn’t smart enough to get into med school! It turns out their oath is to ‘do no harm’, not to ‘do the harem’!!!”

“None of us were smart enough to get into Law School, either. But we did…”

‘But how did you do on the bar exam?’”

‘I barely passed’

‘Oh dear,,, Was it difficult?’

‘Nope. It was a breeze! That is, after they tried to throw me out for showing up naked.’”

“‘Apparently, my tassles were distracting?’”

“My dog, Ralphie, was very disappointed in the casting of ‘Dog Day Afternoon’.”

“My wonderful brother gave me a bag of Mary Janes for Christmas. The blanged things plugged up my bong!”

“But I did smoke the silly putty!”

“I thought the dog wanted to go out... until he slammed the door behind me.”

“I didn’t know cats could laugh…”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when they put the wrong address on my invitation to my own wedding.”

“And a request that I not RSVP…”

 “A few good people have suggested I try stand-up. The next time someone does such a thing, I will post their name and address so you’ll know where to find them with your lynch mob.”

“I only laugh when it hurts.”

“My lice have aphids!!!”

“I only get antisocial diseases.”

“What exactly is a path of logical lies?”

“She swore to tell the truth, so help her god. But no one asked her who her god was…”

“The lawyer reminded me so much of Perry Mason, I just had to stand up back there in the third row and confess!”

“This, like Raymond Burr, may be about to segue into a wheelchair… and what a collision that would be!”

“A paraplegics walked into a bar…”

“Apparently (<= a favorite word!), the fear of looking and/or sounding like a complete dork will never stop anyone.”

“Where do the shortshoremen work?”

“Did you ever get out your best strainer only to accidently throw the filtered stuff down the drain, leaving you with only the crap you were trying to get rid of? Well, that’s the way society works, too…”

“The phrase ‘wait a second’, of course, doesn’t actually mean for only a second. Especially at a duel.”

“I flunked the saw-the-woman-in-half trick at magic school. It wasn’t my fault they ran out of volunteers to practice on!”

“I should have known it was yet another bad omen when I showed up for my wedding.”

“I jokingly asked the nurse if she could ‘put a little something’ in my IV?’ I was hoping for Mezcal, but got the little worm.”

“There are two types of jokes here: ‘bad’ and ‘too bad’.”

“If I hadn’t looked the gift horse in the mouth, I never would have caught him snickering at me.”

“The best part of being a curmudgeon is the ‘mudge’.”

“I grew up thinking I was Greek. My parents were always blaming the Trojans…”

“Don’t be envious.”

“Why are we all angry with everyone except the ones who are trying to make us angry at each other?”

“She sent me a love letter! She said she’d 'love' to see me… to see me...

Well, the last part isn’t important.”

“I’m writing these, in part, as an antidote for all the anger and hatred aroused and spread by the last elction. Think of them as a form of electroshock…”

“She said my joke landed ‘too close to home’. The judge modified the restraining order.”

“Mom looked at me quizzically for a minute or two, and then asked ‘Who the fuck are you???’ 

Many years later, the poor woman developed dementia.”

“Cheer up! My forgettable jokes make me easier to forget!”

“She couldn’t quite bring herself to say she loved me. But she did say ‘I glove you’, once, as she slapped me across the face!”

“Someone left an old cracked and rusted-out cast iron skillet on my back step a couple of years ago. Yup, that’s where I got my deadpan delivery…”

“My dog barks at tree bark.”

“Now that the spa opened across the street, people are exercising regularly not a hundred feet from my house. If they come any closer, I’m buying a shotgun.”

“My fingers are refusing to type some of these…”

“I feel it my duty to write and share this crap. After all, everyone… and I mean everyone… voted for jokes in the last election.”

“No one has to drive anyone insane anymore – we can all work from home.”

“Who’da thunk the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune would have arrived in such a pointless form?”

“At least with drinking there is a bottom…”

“A paranoids get chased into a bar… and scared the paraplegics out.”

“One may fairly assume that the word ‘Great’ no longer means great.”

“Today’s concept: ‘Horseradish’.”

“She asked me to be frank with her. I said ‘Sure, if you’ll be Martha!’”

“Things are looking up! It’s dreary out.”

“We have a future to look backward to.”

“He was one of those joggers who could speed up and walk.”

“It turned out there is no ‘A’ for effort, but there are two ‘f’s…”

“Jack Benny was the master of…”

“And it wasn’t hard to find them.”

“It was an inside joke. I’m only laughing inside.”

“Yes, folks, the ‘Age of Reason’ ended a few centuries ago…”

“This (like mine) is the ‘Age Beyond Reason’.”

“I’m nobody’s dummy… but I’ll sit in your lap and say whatever you want!”

“It feels weird using exclamaion marks when you’re never excited!!!”

“Billions of dollars spent on special effects… and no one’s brought back the talking mule???”

“‘Adamant’: The act of being wrong.”

“‘Trolling’: Adamantly insulting.”

“No, the ‘weekend’ is not the female tush…”

“But it may be the way you go out for saying so…?”

“There are two things I fall in and out of when I’m drunk: Love, and Bed.”

“…timing.”

“Vaudeville never went away – it just found a larger stage.”

“The kidnappers assumed my parents would pay to get me back, just as all the previous parents had. It was the only mistake they ever made.”

“You think this is easy for me?”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when the wedding party arrived with torches. ropes, and pitchforks…”

“Apparently, the answer blew away in the wind…”

“I’d like to think people think I think these through, but I don’t.”

“Invention, they say, is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Inventing these, however, is 1% inspiration, no sweat!”

“I look forward to not looking back.”

“There are exceptions to every rule. Except here in the US – we don’t have rulers, just exceptions.”

“So it turned out my groundswell of popular support was just a rogue mole…”

“One doesn’t ‘come up’ with these – one ‘comes down’ with them.”

“You get what you pay for. And a few others get some of it, too.”

“The quality of mercy is not strained, but some strain themselves even considering it.”

“So… what happened at camp that so many who went there ended up loving everything that is?”

“(oops)”

“Things all began to fall apart when I bought the home version of ‘You Bet Your Wife’.”

“(I know that was supposed to be ‘Life’, not 'wife'… but was it, really???)”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when, for our honeymoon, she booked me a single room at a flop house in Sheboygan.”

“If Norman Bates had grown up on an estate in England, would he have been called ‘Master Bates’?”

“(ahem!) Beats me!”

“Today’s word: ‘syrupy’.”

“If these don’t have you giggling, perhaps you just have to take a deep breath and allow yourself to warm up to them a little bit? My computer was smoking when I wrote them!”

“Or was I smoking while the computer wrote them?”

“There is an actual difference between ‘not guilty’ and ‘innocent’. And that explains everything.”

“Okay – so who else is guessing Donald Trump was a bed wetter as a child?”

“I wasn’t much good at football in high school. I mean, I did my best, but as soon as the ball was snapped, the opposing player would just take a walk around the block.”

“Do trolls stroll?”

“I’m the ‘uncooler’!”

“Isn’t it sad what the operative ingredient in a ‘bubbly personality’ turns into when you grow older?”

“How come nobody fizzles in?”

“I invited her up to see my lechings.”

“In case you don’t remember, the entire nation once got all stirred up into full war mode just to invade the tiny resort island of Grenada. Maybe it’s too easy…?”

“My travel agent booked me a vacation at some exotic resort called ‘Three Mile Island’!”

“Said I’d come back with a healthy glow!”

“I wish I could forget the song ‘Unforgettable’.”

                         *          *          *          *          *          *

(Special Edition!)

‘In Response to Letters, Comments, and Threats Nailed to My Door’

“Dear fans, followers, and other victims:

        My intentions of raising a few spirits appear, on occasion – almost always, in fact – to raise a bit more than that. (Lordy, the things some people will say!!!) Well, never having been one not to leave that best left unsaid, unsaid, I hereby reply to but a few of the multitudes of kind contributors who have so generously offered up their wise opinions:”

‘Frank Lee’:

        “They can’t roll over – they were cremated.”

‘Sister Bernadette’:

        “I have shame. In fact, as a kid I used to stand out back and yell ‘Shame!’, ‘Shame!’, hoping someone would come shoot me. Like on TV. So I’d be back for the next episode.”

‘P.P. Snidely’:

        “Well said. But definitely not well thought-out.”

        “Idiot.”

‘Clem N. Tyne’:

        “Oh, my darling – I love your humor! (If that doesn’t stop you, nothing will.)”

‘Arthur Bedderons’:

        “Your proclaimed sensitivity to only selected political jabs betrays a cowardly and lame attempt to conceal an ugly layer of self-centered, hypocritical, whining beneath the assumed cover of unfair criticism directed, instead, at my ‘humor’. In other words: you are a twit. My jokes can fall off their own two feet, purely on merit. Like you. Humor, you know, can be stupid and still not only be funny, but proud of its stupidity. And you would be, too, if you weren’t too stupid to know it!”

‘F. N. Neutz’:

        “Surprise, surprise – it’s you again. No, not every day is Saturday, just as not every dazed-by-life idiot can understand a metaphor. And why should I only create my petits superbes chef-d'oeuvres on only that one day of the week when you can message me your foul missives four times a day through all seven? My good half-man – that is unsporting! Surely you can find something else to be insanely angered and perpetually obsessed with? A former girlfriend, perhaps? (works for me!) Your mother? Man, doesn’t she already have enough guilt to live with? (Ask her when you climb upstairs from the basement…)

        (By the way, I’ve changed my email address. Herewith, please contact me at: president@whitehouse.gov . Mark it: ‘attn: DT’ and it will get to me.)”

‘Asa Houle’:

        “Please read the last response and delete everything except ‘your mother’.”

‘Clara Hadid’:

        “I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to finally hear from someone who truly appreciates the brilliance, insight, and unmitigated hilarity of these humbly presented tidbits. So I won’t try. Let me, instead, merely say ‘thank you’ and wish you, and everyone else there on your ward, the best of days.”

‘I. M. Foxx’:

        “I am truly sorry. sir, but you should have known that repeatedly spitting at your computer would ultimately cause it to short out. The technical term for that is ‘crash’, but not in the sense of how you got all those dents in your 1982 pick-up. It means that the poor thing, faced with the prospect of unending liquid stupidity cascading in its direction (I have no doubt but that you often miss), decided that electronic suicide was a better option. It happens. As a lawyer (my only fault), I feel it my duty to warn you in advance that any suit (no, not the clothes) filed (no, not what you use to sharpen the axe you cut your toe nails with) against me, asserting (no, not the breath mint) that I am the cause (no, not a lazy way of saying ‘because’) of your misfortune (yes, that does refer to the fact that you are alive in a world beyond your limited level of comprehension) will fail (ask you wife/sister/aunt) miserably. Like you (no, I’m not saying I like you – pay attention!). Now go fix the rabbit ears on your teletube before you miss Hannity!”

‘N. S. Agency’:

        “Funny name you have there! I would, however, beg to differ with you about the whole ‘aiding the terrorists’ thing. In fact, I’m pretty sure this crap drives them away, just like it does pretty much everyone else. And no, you are not going to trick me into posting the word ‘bomb’! Do you really think I’m that stupid???”

‘Mom’:

        “I fail to believe this is really you. As you know, you left us several years back – well before I started writing these miraculous witticisms – so they can hardly be blamed for your departure. And besides, you know that I am only joking… or, as you used to so lovingly put it: ‘completely f’ing nuts’.

        When’s dinner?”

‘Gram R. Snoot’:

        “You ask me why I overuse parentheses and ellipses? Stupid question, but here is the answer, anyway:   ‘(…)’.   ”

‘Stu Pedd’:

        “First of all, isn’t 57 a little too old to have your mother read you to sleep every night? Oh well… I guess that’s between you and her (I truly hope something is!). As for this being her choice of reading material at that fine hour, I can conger up no logical explanation… Oh, wait! Perhaps she read a comment once posted by the forever clever T. DP., wherein he facetiously claimed they put him to sleep? He is something of a troublemaker, you should know, and good at vanishing once whatever he’s started catches fire. Knowing him – and presuming he doesn’t really write comments whilst wandering listlessly through Lalaland – I didn’t even begin to take his words seriously. Nor should you, Stu…

        Stu?        

        Stu???”

‘Simon E. D. Ott-Eyelask’:

        “No.”

‘Peabody N. Sherman’:

        “First of all, please pass along my esteemed reverence for your parents to them for having named you after two of America’s greatest icons! And no, you are hardly the first to notice the uncanny resemblance Ralphie and I bear to those two, exact same, semi-gods. And to think – when I was younger and on my own, I had to settle for Thor!

        Now, as to your specific question, I personally prefer mixing it with a little wry. But we each have our own tastes… or lack thereof.”

‘U. R. A. Schmuck’:

        “I know a false name when I see one, and I’m pretty gosh-darn sure that that isn’t mine! Oh, and ‘cram’ is not spelled with a ‘k’. “Kindergarten’ is, though, if you want to go back and check. I’ll wait right here for you. Trust me.”

‘Monty the Mountie’:

        “Of course I remember you! Eddie Nelson had the best voice of any of Ozzie and Harriet’s kids! And who could forget Jeanette’s ‘Big Macs’? Goodday, eh? But as to printing these out to use as fire-starters (need I ask how cold it is in Saskatoon???), I must protest that, while I fully intended to start something with them, campfires are not what I had in mind. Heck, some of them burn hot enough to melt your neighbor’s igloo! You’ll burn your back-bacon, too, if you’re not careful.

        Thank you for your submissions, by the way. Unfortunately, moose jokes aren’t quite as big down here in the lower 48… or even lower, where most of my own choice tidbits are extracted from. But if I ever run especially low, I know I can always count on you to come riding in on your Whitehorse to save me! (hee-hee).”

‘Ed Wilbur’:

        “You’re one to talk! Please don’t waste my time of day with all the yakkity yak, unless you have something to say! As to your question, you came to the right source, but you may not endorse my answer. Perhaps an anecdote, straight from the horse’s mouth might better do it? Let me tell you a story about a man named Jed…”

‘P. P. Thomas’:

        “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’d been watching me. Yes, I write some of these in the nude; but no, I fear that some may actually try to imagine it and suffer permanent damage as a result. Better to let them guess which ones? (clue – I always wear my knickers for Trump jokes)”

‘Y. Y. Mee’:

        “So sorry my pictures offend you. If you knew how to read, the jokes would, too.”

‘Oliver Nutheron’:

          “Just because you haven’t seen me in your local ‘establishment’ doesn’t mean my numerous jokes about trying to pick up women in bars weren’t written by a real, live joke trying to pick up women in bars. (I attempted to go out with a few that were behind bars, but we didn’t get very far). And yes, I know it makes me a bad influence on the younger generations (there are so many now!), but sometimes it’s best to be under the influence of something. And while other tragic inspirations may help to generate a fair number of fair my brilliant quips, that particular location helps me degenerate a few mediocre ones, too.

        (Next time, check the floor!)"

‘Statewide Grievance Committee’:

        “It’s good to hear from you again! Sure, I’m still a member in good standing (ha!), at least as far as I know. But, in case you didn’t know, I stopped working and decided to retire. I agree that there should be a law against some of these jokes, but as much as I practice making them, making them still isn’t practicing law… one would, at the very least, hope. Yes. my practice of law was a pretty good joke unto itself, and thereby certainly an inspiration for some of the worst of them. But any advice given is hardly legal in nature, even taking account of the law-like location where I’ve suggesting ‘cramming’ certain ‘concepts’ (I crammed for the bar, too. Coincidence???).

        Now, as to your concerns that my behavior in general, and the sharing of these nuggets of wit and witticism in particular, ‘reflects poorly on my fellow counsel, as well as on the bar itself’, I have reflected long and hard on that, and it came out poorly, as well. First of all, I’ve seen my reflection – it glowers at me every morning – and there is no way for it to reflect other than poorly. It always has, and yet this assertion arises only now, sua sponte (<= lawyer talk!). Too late! And as for how I reflect on the bar? Trust me, I’ve seen it… far closer than you ever have, or could. In other words, your ‘expert witness’ in any disbarment proceeding would be none other than the very one you’d be attempting to disbar! Reflect on that!

        I will, however, as requested, remain discrete in re your expressed concerns. Trust me (I’m a lawyer!), no one will have a clue!”

‘D. T’.:

         “I barely ever go on Twitter, you know, so it was only by random chance that I ever happened to come across your intriguing note. Did you really write it at 3 AM? Seriously??? Wow… As to this Mr. ‘F. N. Neutz’ dude, I can’t say that I have ever heard of him. His assertion that I suggested he contact you is spurious, at best. I’d be furious, if I were you! (‘Great’ joke, don’t you think? We must think alike…) And this ‘Alec Baldwin’ guy, whoever he is, has no business picking on you, I’m sure. Don’t let it get to you, or you might find yourself doing something rash and poorly thought out. I’ve made that very mistake and ended up getting all kinds of nasty complaints for it, some of which I fully intend to respond to. Anyway, like our lists of enemies, this probably has too many characters for you to process, being so used to that ‘Twit’ thing. Have a great night – I hope your tummy feels better.”

‘Ono Moore’:

        “Yes, there will be. And stop screaming – you sound like Yoko.”

                        *          *          *          *          *          *

“I’ve got my back to the mundane again.”

“Sometimes I wish I had a giant rubber mallet to squash all the stupidity with – but then I remember they’d both just bounce right back…”

“I’m a rebel – I use elipses to indicate pauses!”

 “So much to deplore, so little time…”

“I went into bankruptcy for closure.”

“They say that hope springs eternal… But that’s not what’s leaking.”

“It took special effects to change plotting to plodding.”

“Ever notice that ‘evolution’ begins with backwards love???”

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand you. I tried calling the Interpreter’s Office for help, but they said no one there knew how to translate Stupid.”

“Ever notice that flipping one letter can change ‘dump’ to ‘dumb’? Now flip this joke…”

“(Keep trying – I’ll wait…)”

“You know, if we picked the first ones to be eliminated rather than the ultimate winners, we’d have prettier and more interesting beauty pageant queens, more likeable championship winners, and perhaps… just perhaps… potentially competent presidents…”

“Congress.”

“(The next joke will be funnier?)”

“They have my ‘Not Wanted’ poster hanging at the Post Office.”

“(Nope!)”

“I do hope you all enjoy a good splattering of humor!”

“‘After all the trial and fury, they spared the judge and hanged the jury.’ - Robert Hunter

https://www.whitegum.com/introjs.htm?/songfile/RUMRUNNE.HTM ”

“I try to stop myself… I really do… But I’m having a hard time not replying to some posts about getting hit ‘hard’ with a stomach virus…”

“Oh dear, I’m developing a theme…”

“Everything was coming apart – I knew I appeared unseemly.”

“I submitted my 800-page novel to the publisher. They wrote back and suggested I change the title to ‘Delete’…”

“My life story is the basement.”

“Mom and dad really loved me. I’m sure they did. Even if they did send me to Deformed School…”

“Dad blamed the milkman, but I’d bet it was that old guy selling apples…”

“A sober lawyer (I love absurd humor!) walks into a bar… He gets disbarred.”

“Aren’t we all lucky that the dog and cats threw my laptop out right after me?”

“Why is it that they say ‘file’ your taxes when it feels so much more like they’re using a rasp?”

“Financing: 5% down, and then the rest of you.”

“If I was a rich man, I’d give it all away. I mean, why keep it a secret? Besides, it’s hard spending so much money on yourself without anyone noticing.”

“Who knew women could walk so fast?”

“My fantasies dumped me…”

“I once told my ex that I’d love to spend more time with her. She went and got her sentence reduced.”

“Today’s word: ‘mug’.”

“Hooky is a game Canadian kids play while skipping school.”

“If a ‘nice day’ is so friggin’ great, how come people keep offering you a free one?”

“Does the fact that I’ve been found eligible for Social Security mean I’ll finally not have to worry about finding a date or making an ass of myself at the parties I’m not invited to?”

“Did I mention that using the term ‘no brainer’ is evidence of having no brain?”

“And why isn’t it ‘24/7/365. except on leap year, when it’s 366’… huh?”

“How many idiots will a bandwagon hold? (All of them???)”

“Even me!”

“My pillow dumped me…”

“I asked her why she was avoiding me. She said she’d checked, and ‘voiding’ wasn’t an option.”

“I’d be inclined to think so, but I only think reclined.”

“If I sometimes sound like a know-it-all, just remember: we learn from our mistakes. And that’s pretty much all I’ve been!”

“I’d let it all hang out, but most of it doesn’t reach anymore…”

“‘Is there anything that would get you to laugh at these?’

‘N2O.’”

“I have a good mind to have a better mind.”

“Our culture is very much ad-mired.”

“The dating sight listed me as a ‘fixer-upper’…”

“I like T-bone steaks, but what I would really enjoy is a T-rump roast…”

“If I was alive in the Middle Ages, and they threatened to boil me in oil, I’d have replied ‘You mean ‘fried’, don’t you?”

“Oops! I forgot to throw the dryer sheet in with the cat.”

“(I’ll get some static from that one!)”

“There is a Tide in the affairs of man… and why not? Suds are fun!”

“Whatever happened to toil?”

“Do ewe rub the sheep from their eyes every morning?”

“I was going to worm the cat, but all they had at the hardware store was a snake.”

“(Hear the hissing???)”

“If I truly am, as so many allege, ‘unwrapped’, how can I at the same time be, as they also assert, ‘twisted’?”

“So I started my vigorous exercise regimen. After only a week, I asked my personal trainer (the dog) how I was doing. He laughed. This got me extremely mad, at which point he explained: ‘Maybe it’s partly your posture, but you still seem bent out of shape…’.”

“I went to a dog show. It was very funny. They were rolling over in the aisles!”

“So it turns out all the seagulls that have been hanging around those inland dumps all these years were smarter than we thought. They knew the ocean would come to them.”

“Are there bipolar bears?”

“If so, where does one buy one?”

“People are dumb! Did you realize that ‘Men’s Clubs’ have women in them???”

“My golf handicap is I can’t play golf.”

“We have an agency (or agencies) here in this country whose job it is to spread ‘disinformation’… and we believe everything they tell us.”

“Where’s Alfred Hitchcock now that we really need him?”

“I was going to go for a drive in the country, but couldn’t get it started.”

“As much as I hated to do it, the time had clearly come for me to finally swallow my manly pride, give up, and stop to ask someone for directions. Unfortunately, by then they only spoke Inuit.”

“I had them write the directions down anyway, and then set out to find a translator. I did - they were how to cook whale blubber.”

“They began: ‘Jump into a pot of boiling water…’”

“Someone said Santa sank!”

“Shucks, I don’t even know how to prepare corn.”

“Serve it up? Perhaps…”

“This thing has more crappy pages in it than a Knight’s Discount Warehouse.”

“I once (this is true) heard someone of French Canadian/Micmac descent refer to a person as having been ‘madder than a wildcat with a pole crammed up its ass’. Kinda makes you wonder what they do up there during all those long, cold winters. eh?”

  

“Now that the pollsters have told me what I think, I’d like to tell them what I think of them.”

“Anyone else notice how getting one thing partially right, at least in appearance, will get you onto a list of ‘experts’, but that getting everything else absurdly wrong ever since won’t knock you off?”

“Trust me. I was right about something once.”

“By the way, if and when your contribution to any discussion comes down to insulting whomever you are arguing with, you have become the argument against you.”

“If you can be entertaining, humor-wise, might you not also become grating, wise-wise?”

“My tax attorney asked me how much I was withholding. I broke down and told him everything.”

“No – you are not getting a refund.”

“Scary thought: Psychiatrists think we’re all just like them!”

“A lawyer’s job is to represent an a-hole without sounding like one. Unfortunately, not many are good at it.”

“The sillier the uniform, the more we need to worry.”

“The Dean of Students told me I had no class, so I dropped out.”

“His next line, ‘You will be a complete failure at anything you try to do in life’, inspired me to become the man I am today.”

“My forays into higher education only made me forget everything I learned.”

“My muse is a sadist!”

“(My computer told me it hates waking up just for this…)”

“Unfortunately, for the average American (regardless of party, class, or presumed mental capacity), stopping to ‘think about it’ will only make things worse.”

“How come ‘Job’ sounds like ‘robe’ in the scriptures, but like ‘rob’ when referring to work?”

“My doctor told me take three cyanides and not call him in the morning.”

“They threw me out of the funeral home for yodeling during calling hours.”

“I got carried away?”

“My linderhosen were chaffing…”

“Ever notice how all of the little things your only true friend tells you to do in order to stand even the slightest chance at regaining some sense of sanity involve escaping from the ‘realities’ everyone else has talked you into?”

“No… not just on TV.”

“Never underestimate how much you overestimate me!”

“We need third parties. The Two Stooges weren’t funny. either.”

“I will remain forever in your debt… fool.”

“Neither a burrower nor leader be…”

“We owe it to ourselves to do better.

( So much for wise investments!)”

“My time is limited, but, fortunately, so are you.”

“God invented church bells on Sunday morning to punish us for what we did on Saturday night.”

“Mom used to ask ‘Is it too bright for you?’ and turn the lights off.”

“How come we’re able to see the classified ads?”

“My stroke of luck will be the one that kills me.”

“Now that she’s travelled through the South, Polly no longer wants a cracker.”

“They’re hearty in the midwest, but haughty in Boston.”

“Liver.”

“I got into an argument with my proctologist. He told me to look at it from his perspective. I did, and now I understand everything!”

“Today’s word: ‘sniffle’.”

“Is there any real difference between wandering on and wandering off?”

“She asked me what my angle was. I said I didn’t have one, fearing all the while that she was about to give me the third degree.”

“I taught my parents a violin lesson.”

“Apparently, golden isn’t silence?”

“Only a politician could lose to a complete idiot and not be able to figure out why.”

“Never shout ‘reason!’ in a panicked room.”

“‘Hope’ is such a sad little sentiment…”

“Mom once stopped at a speed trap she wasn’t pulled over at because she was ‘travelling just as fast as they were.’ (true!)”

“Do we do anything in spite of spite?”

“We’ve come a long ways, but still have a long ways to go. Possibly… just possibly… because it’s hard getting very far whilst running in circles…?”

“Whatever you do, don’t pay any attention to that rumbling!”

“Oops!”

“We have two kinds of celebrities: Those with talent… and politicians.”

“Putting a period at the end of a sentence never stopped an argument.”

“Let’s start over and admit that none of us really know anything for sure?”

“She asked if I was positive. Being negative, I lied.”

“Actually I wasn’t negative – I was nonplussed.”

“What was the pail of water doing at the top of the hill?”

“It’s not like I don’t know when to stop. It’s that I’m not sure I can find my way that far back?”

“The larger the reputation, the more “I have my reputation to think of” doesn’t leave room for anything else.”

“They arrested the library burglar and ended up with a book case.”

“I’ll let you guess what they threw at him.”

“The doctor said there was something seriously wrong with me. I asked ‘Would it help if I made it laugh?’ He replied ‘How would we ever know?’”

“Let’s begin with begonias and be gone.”

“We went from the Dark Ages to the Age of Enlightenment to being back in the dark again, despite all the lights.”

“Meatloaf is a lazy man’s dinner.”

“I still think ‘nerd’ should be spelled ‘knurd’ – the opposite of a drunk. And I’m right, too, because no one agrees with me.”

“We’re now officially in an era when people will send Tweets mocking other people for sending Tweets.”

“(Wasn’t it bad enough that we even have something called ‘Tweets’???)”

“Every four years they have a Presidential election in order to reduce the size of people’s ‘friends’ lists on Facebook.”

“Personally, I’m quite proud of the nonpartisan nature of the list of those who have blocked me.”

“But the ‘quietly disappointed’ do trouble me a wee bit?”

“And isn’t it funny how one person’s ‘politically correct’ is another person’s Fox News?”

“Speaking of that disreputable, misleading, biased and twisted fake news source, the Democratic establishment has done with them what they did with Richard Nixon: imitate it.”

“Alas! My humor saddenth me…”

“Movie critics ‘rave’ about crap. My critics rant about it.”

“Maybe we can revert to rambling?”

“Everyone at Tom Thumb’s memorial service longed to make a ‘his life was too short’ joke.”

“The casket being too long, they buried him in a cask.”

“We call it ‘English’, yette we still pretend to speak French when we’re feeling snooty.”

“It wasn’t my fault I passed out at the party. They told me they’d made the sucker punch just for me.”

“Hold on with that complaint– I still have my hearing aids in.”

“You do realize that the only reason we end up looking up to some of these clowns is because they are full of hot air?”

“Apparently lap licking isn’t considered acceptable behavior in many family restaurants.”

“Most ‘experts’ really know their shit. But then, so does my dog.”

“I had to apologize after, in what had to have been a drunken stupor, I’d apparently mistaken her for a ‘scratch-off’.”

“They say ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’, and here I just offered you a pretty twisted one in only twenty-one!”

 “Why waste a good rut by not sharing?”

“I came of age in an earlier one.”

“Don’t worry about Donald Trump. He’s just the beta version. Worry about all the new little monsters they are creating to replace him someday.”

“Somehow prototypes never look as good written by hand.”

“Life is the transition from hating to go to bed to hating to wake up.”

“Desperate times may call for desperate measures, but that doesn’t mean we have to answer.”

“Kurds are cheesy.”

“Murder most foul usually happens around Thanksgiving.”

“Nothing brightens your day like the sound of a young child first learning to say ‘please’, or darkens it as much as the realization that the rotten little sucker is already beginning to manipulate you…”

“My dog and my stomach are having a growling competition. Either way, I’m the loser.”

“Nothing beats a loose noose!”

“I have so much to not know – I’m afraid there’s barely any room left to fit you in.”

“I’ve been thinking (uh-oh) that between who and what most Americans now support, and the self-obsession with which they exhibit that support, that maybe masterbation does cause blindness, after all???”

“How did they ever cram the suggestion box all the way up there???”

“All my BS in Management ever got me was a painful understanding of how much BS there is in management.”

“Your self-assurance is lying to you again…”

“My college gave me a medal, so I gave them me. I won!”

“People who spend all their time wishing they could go back and do things over probably aren’t going to get too much done from here on out.”

“If you really want to insult my intelligence, compliment my stupidity.”

“Walmart has been reported as locking in their employees over the weekend. Wouldn’t we all be better off if they did it to their shoppers, instead?”

“Here in Connecticut we call our liquor stores ‘package’ stores. I still go to one every Christmas and sit there and wait, hoping this will be the year my present finally arrives.”

“I remember,” said the old man in the corner, “when ‘are you packing?’ had nothing to do with guns and everything to do with the wife throwing you out.”

“”It’s about time they knighted surreal!”

“I needed to relax and do nothing for a day, so I went to Motor Vehicles…”

“I told them I was there for an emissions test. They sent me home to get a car.”

“What better way could there be to calm down a deranged lunatic than screaming, yelling, and throwing things at him?”

“Might it not. just possibly, be that so many people agreeing with you actually indicates that you’re not just wrong, but completely friggin’ nuts wrong?”

“Apparently nothing is apparent.”

“You do know that ‘eternal damnation’ means you’re already there, right…?”

“I got confused about the whole ‘protection’ thing and ended up putting the rubber on my gun.”

“Life is, indeed, a miracle. Just look at some of people who manage to make it through one.”

“‘Rest assured’ is a gateway to ‘rest in peace’.”

“‘Infinitely’ only comes in ‘stupid’.”

“Flexible waistlines are the best/worst thing ever to happen to me.”

“My favorite Twilight Zone episode was the one where everyone sat around talking about their favorite Twilight Zone episode, without any of them realizing they were actually in it.”

“The best fight I ever won was that time I told on my sister for hitting me before she could  even haul back to do it!”

“I still haven’t figured out if ‘cute, but dumb’ is a compliment…”

“I remember,” said the old guy in the corner, “when ‘oh yeah’ marked the beginning of a fight, not a recollection…”

“The only way to ensure term limits work is to choose zero.”

“The coffee seemed a bit thin this morning. But it was me - I was fatter."

“I remember,” the old guy in the corner blabbered on, “when I had this cell to myself.”

“Whenever the mirror tells me I look like crap, I laugh and tell it ‘So do you!’”

“‘I may not be much to look at…’

 ‘Too much, now that you mention it.’”

“New word: ‘therapudicate’ – Spurning all those ‘you need help’ comments.”

“Every morning

I hear the moaning

as well as all the

grunts and groaning

of those who read my little jokes

and think that I too much have smoked

(or, perhaps, imbibed in other

things that alter folks’

mental stability?)

(or might it just be my senility?)

and want to smother,

with humility,

the gall I’m forming

while they’re still snoring

to write such blather

and ruin their morning!

Aha! I laugh

and continue on,

until the gas

I run on’s gone.

And until that time

I’ll kill more rhyme,

with little sense

and not one dime

of compensation,

only anger and frustration

at my immense

and weird creations.

And yet I must forever share

even though it may well scare,

or even wrench

a gut or two in you out there,

whose days are ruined

by what my mind’s been brewing…

(but it's you who reads them,

so it’s your own undoing!)”

“My relief pitcher is filled with beer.”

“I took a solemn vow to remain giddy.”

“Is Shakespeare shaking yet?”

“I’m not sure what the sentiments she sent meant…”

“I wished they’d warned us that the Sex Ed. test was going to be oral.”

“The concept of ‘rubber match’ concerns me.”

“The hockey trophy has to be the best thing ever to happen to anyone named ‘Stanley’.”

“'Laurel wreath' might be second?”

“My sage advice is that it’s good with pork.”

“These gut-busters are just pouring right out of me!”

“They should be taken in the appropriate dosage.”

 “I took in an old cur as a pet and named him ‘Mudgeon’.”

“We’ll never learn from our mistakes in politics or love. Those are already mistakes.”

“I couldn’t be meandering without her.”

“She decided to dispense with formalities and trash me without an introduction.”

“Advice to my fellow bachelors: One should never allow one’s dirty dishes to accumulate in the sink - there's far more room on the floor.”

“I invited her up – she shot me down.”

“‘Wow!’ I said, after she’d turned everything upside-down. ‘It’s mom!’”

“Ever notice how whenever some other country loses a war, we slip right in and take their place?”

“Some people are dying for our freedom, others for a good joke.”

“There are two ‘u’s in ‘vacuum’.”

“Do the old French guys also get cheesy from age?”

“Even sucking ain’t what it used to be.”

“I’m past my expiration date.”

“She did try to kill me!”

“I have half a mind to write more of these, and half a mind to block them out before I do.”

“My plumage feels plucked.”

“Ever notice how politics got crazier after they closed all those mental hospitals?”

“Yup – the hypocrites are being hypocrites by calling the hypocrites hypocrites. And that’s just the Senate!”

“My lang-dang doodled.”

“I could tell she was dreaming of me – she had that optimistic yet distant look in her eye.”

“Wouldn’t divorce court work much better if all you had to say on the stand was ‘I did?’”

“They didn’t bring reality to TV, they took it out of life.”

“I’d like to belatedly thank all the kind souls who sent mom sympathy cards on the day I was born…”

“Can’t we do my funeral ahead of time? I want to hear someone say something nice about me.”

“I like the word ‘idiotic’,

to me it sounds melodic

while just a bit robotic

(perhaps I am psychotic?)”

“The Stones are looking mighty old. Why, even their groupies are droopy!”

“Have you emulated an emu lately?”

“Out-stretched an ostrich?”

“I shot my first eagle on the golf course yesterday! Damn bird had stolen my ball.”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when ‘bouncing the ball’ and ‘dribbling’ both referred to playing basketball, not walking down the hall for dinner at the rest home.’”

“They said she was dull, but I got a real kick out of her, right in ol’ Meester Kiester”

“It turned out the guy parked in the middle of the street was watching someone standing on a ledge, 30 stories up. And, silly me, I just assumed he had a dead battery and yelled out ‘Jump?’…”

“I chickened out on my trip up into Inuit country when I heard they still eat blubber..."

“Did you know that ‘Ewwwwww!!!’ sounds just like ‘You!!!’ to a newborn?”

“I had a rough childhood. Did you realize I had to change my own diaper until I got to college?”

“I should never have taken the dog to the opera…”

“He not only marked his spot, he marked the whole aria!”

“Thirty people at one poker table? Big deal!” 

“It was a three hour concert. They sang ‘MacArthur Park’ and ‘The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald’.”

“I spilled my drink while toasting the cat and almost got electricuted.”

“He refused to relinquish his licorice.”

“Commas are important, trust me. Last night I got rather drunk and said ‘I’ll buy another round bartender’!”

“I went back to see my pretty psychiatrist five times that week, without even one appointment. The end result was what’s referred to as a ‘dissociative order’.”

“I swear my toothbrush just screamed ‘Shut your mouth!!!’”

“I tried pan handling in the kitchen for three days… and didn’t get a dime.”

“It didn’t go well. When her attempts at a brush-off didn’t work, she hit me with a whole tree.”

“Let me explain before I go: My desk and dining room table (like my minds) are covered in clutter, so I have to write these things on the butcher block.”

“We’re on the road to free dumb!”

“Four scores and seven minutes ago, my team should have just forfeited.”

“In case you miss the point: so do they.”

“Is this the Age of Rage?”

“Seriously, while humor is the coping mechanism that gets us through the most difficult, painful, and confusing times of life, our current state of ‘nitrous-oxide-on-the-electric-chair’ may be pushing things a little too far?”

  

“Which leads me to ask, if dreading things actually worked, we wouldn’t we not be where we are today?”

“Pretend you don’t see people who dress in camouflage. It confuses them.”

“I gave my dog a treat. I let him run away from home.”

“Speaking of… um… ‘treats’, perhaps I shouldn’t have responded to all her bragging about having a personal trainer by throwing her a stick and shouting ‘fetch’? I mean, the crazy lady bit me!”

“The word ‘spa’ sounds as if they couldn’t think up the rest of it.”

“Today’s concept: ‘hiccups’.”

“Maybe the wolves and cougars need to find each other?”

“He was a sucker for women in heels. You know, high-end dating?”

“I went to the ER with her stiletto still stuck in my forehead. The doctor thought it was great! So much so that she sent me back to get hit with the other one.”

“Speaking of matching pairs, that’s what it takes to tell some of these.”

“If you have to ask ‘Is it too much to ask?’, it is.”

“I was delivered three days after I was born. But they just marked the package ‘Return to Sender’ and shipped me back to my parents’.”

“There’s nothing cute about electrocution.”

“I used to play hide and seek, but they didn’t.”

“Why don’t dreadlocks keep Rastafarians out?”

“I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that when the doctor said ‘exhale’ he wasn’t calling on me to salute my former spouse.”.”

“My ex told me I deserved to be exhausted – and locked me in the garage with a running car.”

“I’m claustrophobic – I have this mortal fear of getting trapped in a chimney with Santa.”

“Some peoples’ ‘low down’s are ‘high down’s.”

“Okay… I can get running shoes, hiking shoes, bowling shoes, dancing shoes, whatever… but elevator shoes???”

“I look up to people I can look down on, and forward to those I can look back at.”

“Does ‘put it in reverse’ mean rewrite the poem backwards?”

“I tried doing that with mine, and they actually did suddenly seem to make sense... almost.”

“Did ‘erstwhile’ slip away while we weren’t looking?”

“You do know the cockroaches are going to win, right?”

“Courses in Kindergarten Education have suddenly become crucial to our future.”

“Always squat for your mugshot so they’ll be looking for someone taller the next time.”

“Other than a few little technicalities, like forgetting that banks close at 3 PM, the deposit slip you use as a demand note having your name written on it, and your local bank knowing who you are when you don’t wear a mask (all three true!), most of my clients were relatively smart.”

“When things get really slow, I like to go down to Old Saybrook, stand next to the ‘welcome’ sign, and say ‘brook’, ‘brook’, ‘brook’.”

“Or go to the grocery store and clandestinely add an ‘o?’ to each of the Maypo boxes.”

“I like to think of myself as a rugged individualist, even though I’m really more of a sluggishly insipid recidivist.”

“To be quite honest, I don’t remember the first thing about you… but from the second thing on I do recall that you are beyond pathetic.”

“I have yet to find a tick on any of my limes.”

“Aye start off too many of these in the first person (Adam?), but will try to come up with new and inventive ways to change that.”

“Eye should have known it was a bad omen when she said ‘I’m done’ instead of ‘I do’.”

“When it comes to politics, if your expectations are high, then it’s probably because you are.”

“Insulting everyone who disagrees with you is a pretty darn good way to increase the size of the crowd.”

“Perhaps stepping out the front door and asking 'Where can one buy so many pitchforks these days?' was a mistake?”

“Speaking of which, in proper etiquette, does one put the pitchfork next to the dinner fork or the salad fork?”

“I forgot who it was we said we would never forget…”

“Remember the Alamo? That’s one the ‘white guys’ lost.”

“Unlike their half-baked custard guts…?”

“Meatheads rule.”

“New word: ‘falspect’ – To think you’ve just heard the worst joke ever, only to suddenly realize there are even more terrible ones to come. (Not to be confused with ‘falspecs’, for example.)”

“For fun, I like to go to Italian restaurants and ask for ‘noodles’.”

“If public indecency laws were ever honestly prosecuted, no one would run for office.”

“Lacking a piece of paper at that critical moment, I wrote this one on a banana... but it went bad,”

“Apparently, '1 + 1 = 2' is now considered a ‘complex equation’?”

“In the mind of a kindergartener you can do some pretty horrific crap and still think you’re just being ‘naughty’. Perhaps this is but one reason it may not be all that very wise to elect someone with the mind of a kindergartener?”

“In the mind an insane person you can keep repeating every mistake while still thinking you are always right and everyone else is always wrong. Perhaps this is but one reason why it may not be all that very wise to elect someone with the mind of an insane person, either?”

“In my mind…”

“Is it too late to hire extras for my funeral?”

“They gave me a crumb cake for my birthday.”

“Do those who are sick in the head think illogically?”

“She left no forwarding address, but did nail a forewarning note to my front door.”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when she got that gleam in her eye when he reached the ‘till death do you part’ part.”

“Can one cherish churlishly?”

“I’m waiting for the Mighty Mouse Movie. Unless or until it finally arrives, none of these other cheap superheroes will satisfy.”

“Speaking of awful movies, I’ll skip ‘The Endless Game of Trying to Imitate Game of Thrones’ ones, too.”

“Shouldn’t movie trailers come after the movie?”

“The bands of the Sixties created a revolution… of soundtracks for crappy movies.”

“One more: Any couple who are endlessly fighting with each other will end up in love and living happily ever after. I’ve seen it, not just in the movies, but in all of the movies!”

"(Oddly, though, never in real life?)"

“My teacher was a real witch. I hated the evil way she always korrected my spelling.”

“My debut in stand-up was a success! As soon as I stood up, everyone laughed.”

“She cried because she didn’t have any friends. I told her ‘But I’m your friend!’ Then she cried because she didn’t want any friends.”

“You have no standards – I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot flagpole.”

“I’m writing this on January 20, 2017, perhaps the most bizarre day in history. And I’ll let you in on a little secret, too: I’m hiding behind these.”

“(There is humor in here, too. It’s hiding right behind me.)”

“Mom did her best not to spank me, but one day she simply had no choice – the batteries in the electric cattle prod had died.”

“Great name for a band, though, ‘Electric Cattle Prod’…”

“Their fans would fill the arenas and concert halls with choruses of ‘moo’!”

“Oh wait… that’s been done.”

“Mom told me never to tell a fib, and it helped me to become the successful lawyer I am today. I always put my fibs in writing.”

“Today’s exercise: Write a 10,000 word essay on ‘Brevity is the soul of wit’.”

“Depravity is the soulless twit. (Only 9, 995 to go!)”

“Query: I know the pink elephant isn’t actually real because I only see him when I’m plastered. And yet, when I do, he always tells me to stop drinking. So… should I listen to him or not?”

“Don't answer! He’s right behind you!!!"

“Do plastered sheetrockers say they’re mudded?”

“My feet started to hurt a whole lot less once they told me to put my footprint in wet cement.”

“For fun, I like to go to malls and add an extra ‘You Are Here’ to each of the maps.”

“These are funniest as I write them. So read them quickly.”

“I firmly believe in age-old wisdom... The Stone Age,”

“I remember,” said the old guy in the corner, “when ‘I don’t remember’ meant it was a great concert, not a means of avoiding the question: ‘Who did you vote for?’”

“I remember,” the old guy in the corner also said, ‘when remembering was what you wished I wasn’t doing… unless it was remembering that I’d already told the same joke.”

“Is it too late to relate?”

“Today’s word: ‘scrunch’.”

“Ya still think everything happens for a reason???”

“I need a down pillow to cry in.”

“Speaking of extremely poor taste, these wang dang noodles smell fishy.”

“Hey – writing these things is no day at the beach, you know!”

(Special guest appearance by Marisa)

“We haven’t found any evidence it even exists yet, but our ‘assessment’ is that it was the needle, and not the haystack, that caused all our problems.”

“Sorry, my mind and stomach were growling in unison for a second there.”

“Perhaps asking people to be on their best behaviour is too low a standard?”

“Idiocy is never becoming, and yet we’re all becoming idiots.”

“(There’s an inside family joke behind the repeated act of referring to others as ‘idiots’. But then there’s also the fact that most all of us actually are ‘idiots’??? Dad was no dummy!)”

“I’ve invented a robot to automatically add ‘-bot’ to the end of candidates’ names. It will revolutionize the entire election process!”

“The problem with politics isn’t that we need to leave it behind, but that it needs to stop leaving us behind.”

“Only a few of us are completely loopy, but we all have own little loops we get hung up upon.”

“The funeral would have gone off a lot more smoothly if they’d re-hearsed.”

“If it helps, you can bury a few of these with me when I go. Set them next to the beer.”

“Never go out in a fishing boat the morning after eating burritos. I mean, I literally sat there for an hour, not moving an inch, before I finally figured out the outboard motor hadn’t actually started.”

“By then the fish were long gone…”

“Maybe we need to stop worrying about what happens when we leave this earth and start worrying why it keeps looking more and more like leaving is the best possible remaining option?”

“Gotta love America! We may be the only country in the world that chops off its foot whenever it gets its thumb stuck up its ass.”

“I tried harnessing the wind, but the dang wagon never moved!”

“We’ve come a long way in the face of what my be the greatest natural disaster in the whole of human history. We now call them ‘clean oil’, ‘clean coal’, and ‘clean natural gas’. Problem fixed!”

“Might not your request for a ‘little wiggle room’ imply that you’re a worm?”

“Yes, I throw in a few shots here and there. And no, the bottle isn’t empty yet.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t be celebrating beautiful spring days in January?”

“New word: ‘nitwiticism’ – A doctrine asserting that sheer idiocy is brilliant when cloaked in sarcasm and/or condescension, as well as any example thereof (see above... all of them!)."

"Hey! I'm a nitwiticist!!!"

“I bought a rhyming dictionary,

 the rhymes it held were ordinary

 and led to lyrics more than scary…

 I think its title’s fictionary.”

“I went to the basement sale because mine leaks.”

“My Welsh ancestors used to wear leeks on their helmets so they wouldn’t bash each others’ brains in during battle. My Scottish ancestors used to wear tams and dare anyone to risk breaking their club.”

“Sometimes life feels like I have one foot in the grave, and the other still in my mouth.”

“At Tom Thumb’s funeral someone asked why they had dug such a small hole. The gravedigger explained: 'I’d heard someone say something about 'one foot in the grave'?’”

“Will someone please buy me a giant gong?”

“I didn’t age, I ripened.”

“This mall is dismal.”

“They’re suing my doctor for malpractice – he cured me.”

“I hope they don’t take away his rattles…”

“Ambition is my omission in life.”

“Today’s word: ‘scrumptious’.”

“I’d play rugby but I don’t be havin’ a toupée.”

“As I write this, it’s mid January and 60+ degrees and sunny out here in New England. As great as that sounds, it isn’t. This may be the beginning of the end for the planet as we know it. In fact, I’ve had it global with warming! It’s time to act! So I’m going to strip down to my purple thong, go outside, and chase that stupid climate change thing away for good!!!”

“(You can’t sue me for that one. It’s your twisted imagination that tried to picture it!)”

“My friend keeps referring to these as a ‘shtick’. I can’t tell if he thinks I’m a lousy comedian, is drunk... or both?”

“I went to the doctor because I was feeling a little light in the head. He sent me to have my brain scanned. Turns out it’s just the same old dim bulb.”

“I tried playing street hockey, but it beat the hell out of my skates.”

“Sometimes it seems as if extraordinary is really two words.”

“Dang fool should never have told me to ‘grease his palm’.”

“They keep posting cute pictures of pigs in an attempt to get people to stop eating meat. So I printed one out and tried it. Pork is better.”

“We’re all geeks in this sideshow…”

“They told me they thought I was well grounded. Then they flipped on the power…”

“In the long run it’s hard enough just to walk.”

“I’ve found that I fit in perfectly here with the low-life… I mean, slow life… here in the country.”

“Mom, in her later years, was the only person I ever knew who could drive down the road without being able to see over the dashboard (true!).”

“I thought they said ‘tuba’ diving…”

“The dog buried my trombone.”

“Only a lawyer with brass balls sousaphone!”

“Hey – I’m just rising to the occasion. Blame the occasion!”

“I don’t get it. America’s ‘great again’ because we’re in a new Bronze Age?”

“If voting were a competition, they’d have four medals: gold, silver, bronze, and led.”

“I had this thought once… but it got lonely and left.”

“When driving a car going eighty miles an hour, you are not moving at all relative to the car itself… and barely moving relative to whatever vehicle might be following you. I tried explaining this to the nice police officer when he asked me: ‘Do you have any idea how fast were going?!?!?!?’ Needless to say (yet still being said!), I never got to the part about how, relative to the earth’s surface, I was travelling at roughly 1000 mph, and, relative to the sun, a smacking 66,000 mph….”

“Well, well, well… it turns out acting stupid was just a rehearsal.”

“Speaking of which, if 'acting' stupid was a crime, only those few who really are stupid wouldn’t be in jail.”

“She said I was her ‘expiration date’.”

“And she was past me.”

“They asked me if I had a criminal record, so I played them my (insert band name here) CD.”

“How come people have to apply to get a job they don’t apply at once they get it?”

“And how does one rigmarole?”

“The birds are just waiting for us to leave so they can evolve back into dinosaurs.”

“What’s this obsession with time travel? It seems to get to where it’s going just fine on its own.”

“I was a physics major until one night I had what I thought was just a bad dream with Albert Einstein in it. Now I realize it probably really was Einstein, coming back to talk me out of my major and thereby save physics.”

“Every time I find a hair in the bathroom sink I glue it back onto my head.”

“Spellcheck in Word refuses to work on these… (true!)”

“I love to go outside naked in snowstorms and dance with the other flakes!”

“I’d apply for a clean energy job, but I can’t even clean my house.”

“My voyage of self-discovery into the joys of increasing age peaked with me shouting ‘Eureka! My urethra leaks!’.”

“Which reminds me, aren't government leaks, just perhaps, a pretty good indication that  government really has to go?”

“My dog calls me ‘Hydrant’.”

“Why are there only ‘manhole’ covers?”

“Edgar Allen Poe’s verse makes me so nervous I twitch… That's right, it gives me a Poe tic.”

“I tried to sneak into Iran wearing a Persian rug.”

“Why are blue ribbons so unhappy?”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when I noticed how her wedding gown still had an ‘irregular’ tag on it.”

“I thought ‘exercise regime’ was probably a typo… but perhaps not?”

“Might the old saying ‘It’s so noisy, I can’t hear myself think’ explain why no one’s doing much thinking?”

“Cat scratch fever appears to cause permanent brain damage.”

“But then, you’d have to be pretty dumb from the start to pick out the one in the cathouse who’s scratching herself?”

“I fought and clawed all the way to the top, but that last two-year-old wouldn’t share it.”

“‘Someday,’ sighed the old guy in the corner, ‘they’ll bring back beer.’”

“Send your contributions to ‘lemonaid.org’.”

“‘And mutton chops!’ he added.”

“My team desperately needed a comeback, but the best they could do was say ‘You suck, too!’…”

“Another lesson learned: Never pick up a woozy floozy.”

“The sizzling is fizzling.”

“I wouldn’t say my teams stink… but they do play a game game.”

“Aren’t you glad I got my bowel blockage fixed?”

“The lonelines the Siamese twins felt, post-separation, broke both of their hearts, but they were surgically repaired.”

“Why isn’t it also ‘i’ before ‘e’ after ‘c’, too???”

“I rip that which I sew.”

“(And so will you – because there are more to come! They’re being delivered everyday)!"

“They told me help was on the way. Of course, they didn’t say to where…”

“Is it any wonder that the politicians closest to Big Oil are also the slipperiest?”

“Roy Rogers got shot and had to be carried home on his horse. Here’s the question: ‘Did Dale pull the Trigger?’.’

“(Google it, kids.)”

“I grew up in the era when a man was a man and a woman was a woman, but the rest of us were confused.”

“Do not judge the validity of your arguments by those who agree or disagree with you – idiocy knows no ideology.”

“Computer dating became rather lame once I had to change my ‘theme song’ to ‘This Old Man’.”

“I was still trying to figure out whether political evil is worse when done overtly or covertly when I suddenly realized: it’s now both.”

“We like to think we figure things out as we go, but mostly we just go…”

“The taxidermist asked me why I'd come to see him, so I explained how I’d broken out in a nervous rash while riding in a cab. 

He told me to ‘stuff it’.”

“If things pan out as expected, my short term memory problems will block out this entire administration.”

“I suffer from a promiscuous proboscis.”

“Do Micmac mugwumps wear mukluks?”

“Why do they call me an ‘old fart’ when most of them are new?”

“No wonder I failed at sports in school: I was too crude for crew, too base for baseball, too hokey for hockey, too defeated for football, too afraid she’s hit back for soccer, too tentative for tennis, too voluminous for volleyball, too restful for wrestling, too much of a downer to lift weights, and simply sucked at basketball.”

“I was so bad at basketball, in fact, that when I finally made my first basket they took it down, had it bronzed, and placed in its own trophy case… which they from then on referred to as ‘The Basket Case’.”

“This is just an attention getting device.”

“(They took away my airhorn)”

“Is it inappropriate to leer lustily whilst playing tiddlywinks?”

“I was still but an infant when my loving siblings first played Mr. Potatohead with me. We were out of potatoes.”

“I tried using subliminal messaging at my sentencing, hoping not to get jail time. When the judge started out by asking ‘How are you doing today?’, I whispered ‘Just fine’. He said he couldn’t hear me and requested that I ‘speak up’. I repeated, ‘Just fine’, only slightly louder. He glared at me, and demanded that I repeat it so that he could hear me. I did, but with only slightly more volume. We went on like that four five or ten minutes, with me repeating ‘Just fine’ each time and him probably hearing me, too, before I ended up having to shout ‘Just fine!’.

He gave me 30 years.”

“And then, being pissed, he added: ‘…at hard labor!’

I asked ‘Can you make it 40 at ‘take it easy’?’

He upped it to 60 to life.” 

“I got the last laugh, though. I hung myself after only 59!”

“(Don’t feel bad – old jokes never really die!)”

“I invited her to come up and play ‘chest’ and got hip-checked.”

“Telling others not to ‘act stupid’ is kind of stupid when they actually are.”

“Personally, I find that saying ‘Stop imitating me!’ works much better.”

“Golf is a violent sport. I entered a tournament and got knocked out in the first round.”

“Never was much good at boxing, either. My aim was so bad, I kept hitting the mat.”

“Why lift your own weight when you know you’ll never carry it?

“If I’m so despicable, how come I can’t even despic???”

“Today’s word: ‘crumple’.”

“Some mornings I wake up, look at my crow’s feet in the mirror, and wonder where they put the nest.”

“I know those crow’s feet must be pretty bad. When I asked her why she wouldn’t go out with me, she said ‘Caws’.”

“The advice ‘take it easy’ is hard to take.”

“I did have a girlfriend for a little while. It turns out she found putting up with me took so much energy, she used it as her daily exercise regimen. That’s right, she was only seeing me because it was a constitutional man-date.”

“They threw me out of the recital for talking. I found it disconcerting.”

“There may well be parallel universes, but it’s the intersecting ones that concern me.”

“Turtle soup comes with its own bowl!”

“I miss the open road. And, judging from the track marks, so do a few others.”

“What if my crow's feet are from carrion crows???”

“She used to believe in me. Then I took off my Santa suit.”

“Short term memory loss is looking better and better, don’t you think?”

“They ruined my ‘The balls were overinflated!’ joke.”

“Once again, my team didn’t lose in the Super Bowl.”

“And by the way, football needs goalies.”

“Or was that basketball?”

“Baseball???”

“Enough with that; it’s time to ask: ‘Do Lyme ticks talk?’”

“I used to think that when I departed from this earth, the earth wouldn’t be the one that was leaving.”

“Where, exactly, is ‘under the weather’?”

“Neither nor’easters nor Easter will… um… fuggit, let’s move on!”

“How do you skin a Rumplestil?”

“Let’s face it – those who are without sin and those who are stoned are two groups who weren’t likely to actually hit anyone they’d be trying to throw a rock at, anyway.”

“While we’re wasting time on that subject, I should point out that Sharon Stone’s first movie role was as ‘Pretty Girl on Train’ in the Woody Allen film ‘Stardust Memories’. That’s right, ol’ sinless Woody actually cast the first Stone!”

“I sought the expressway to her heart… and got the one-lane cul-de-sac to her lower back.”

“If you want it badly enough, you’ll get it that way.”

“If someone else being ‘wrong’ made you ‘right’, the Flat Earth Society would have turned us all into geniuses years ago…”

“Being empathetic would be a lot more fun if the rest of you didn’t suck.”

“I just throw the grumbles in with the puns and bad jokes and leave it all for the rest of you to figure out.”

“Speaking of the rest of you, ‘Here today, gone tomorrow’ has left me with my fingers crossed.”

“Not enough ‘President Rump’ jokes!”

“I’m feeling plucking tuckered out.”

“‘Seriously silly’ is not an oxymoron.”

“I have to ask: ‘Can Trump chump change?’”

“I like to dress for the season. Although my outfits season, I never change them.”

“I like her with liquor.”

“Now that no one uses rotary phones anymore (Google it, kiddies!), I guess sitting here, waiting for Dialing for Dollars to call (also Google that, you young rascals!) has become a waste of time?”

“I was thinking of stopping these when I got to 100… but that’s too young.”

“Apparently I move too quickly? Some woman finally told me I could call her, so I gave her a ring. She screamed 'Never!!!' and threw me out.”

“They say it was a simpler time, but we’re still pretty simple now.”

“We men communicate differently than women. We’re unable to express ourselves in three or four words – it takes them one or two hundred not to.”

“I’m stunned by the number of women carrying tasers these days.”

“Can one conger down?”

“I used to be a gambling man,

until I met my lady;

and now, for fear I’d lose again,

I haven’t gambled lately.”

“Losing arguments don’t get better after you’ve lost them.”

“New word: ‘idibots’ – Idiots who robotically call other people ‘-bots’.”

“Rumor has it that if it were about you, it would unwrap itself and run away.”

“Morbid – A question asked at a cadaver auction.”

“Do you ever wonder how many people would stay right where they were and get blown up if their political opponents were the ones warning them not to?”

“My cats started laughing when the neighbor cat asked them what they were doing outside if they were supposed to be indoor cats. They said it was an inside joke – me.”

“We will all lead perfect lives by taking miracle drugs that kill us on 36 different ways.”

“Satire and parody worked much better when reality wasn’t far more absurd.”

“Great word, ‘absurd’…”

“Did I repeat myself myself again?”

“Is Henny Youngman in heaven?”

“You do realize that, now that our elected representatives have become mere pawns, ‘We, the People’ are no longer even on the playing board?”

“Here’s a question: If you’re so sure you’re right, why do you refuse to listen to yourself?”

“Today’s word: ‘flustered’.”

“Both sides in any ‘either/or’ argument are wrong.”

“I remember,” said the old guy in the corner, “when things like paint, gas, and food all had ingredients in them that turned out to be incredibly poisonous. But my long-term memory sucks.”

“Always trust the people who tell you ‘You don’t want to know.’”

“And the facetious!”

“How can obscurity be relative? And where would you find it to find out?”

“Save these, in case you ever need to hide out in a mental hospital.”

“And more forward ones will be forwarded to you as we move forward!”

“Somewhere out there there awaits the woman I have always been destined to meet. Please don’t warn her?”

“I don’t get why you idiots find these so insulting.”

“How come consumption kills but is good for the economy?”

“I couldn’t resist.”

“Are we still smoldering from my scorching wit?”

“Since when is drooling a character defect?”

“These are nothing to scrounge about.”

“Today’s concept: Bungee-cord ski jumping.”

“The vet psychiatrist suggested that my dog and I spend more quality time together – so now I poop outside.”

“How could WC Fields kick all those obnoxious kids in the butt and still somehow manage to miss Shirley Temple’s insufferable little one?”

“Perhaps racism isn’t our greatest problem? I mean, in a country that brought us ‘Steppin’ Fetchit’ and Charlie Chan, that has a team called ‘Redskins’ and a logo like Cleveland’s, (etc. etc. etc.), doesn’t anyone blindly stupid enough to claim racism isn’t the problem pretty much prove that blind stupidity is???”

“She missed her beau, Jangles, and danced off after him.”

“Isn’t evening after noon, too?”

“And shouldn’t honest authors dedicate their autobiograhies to themselves?”

“Speaking of whom I might dedicate a book to, be careful what you say, just in case I ever get these published.”

“My surgeon took out my appendix. My editor took out the main text.”

“And no, it wasn’t ‘ayup’.”

“If we were raised right, how come we’re the ones raising the kids that aren’t?”

“I guess the Founding Fathers missed the fact that trying to control other people’s beliefs is a ‘religion’?”

“Whatever was rotten in the state of Demark seems to have immigrated.”

“The funny (???) part is that if knowing that we are crazy enough to elect a Donald Trump president doesn’t scare immigrants out of coming here, nothing will.”

“I’d suggest giving Texas back to Mexico, but I’m pretty sure even they wouldn’t want it.”

“It’s as if we’re trying to preserve the wonderful old, and very unique, building, but a bunch of maniacs have taken over the top floors and are trying to blow them up, while the ones telling us that we have to worry about only those lunatics are down in the basement, quietly removing the foundation, brick by brick by brick. And we’re supposed to choose one or the other…

Poor building!”

“The great part of becoming the older generation and ceding authority to the next one is being able to ask: ‘Who’s the idiot now?’”

“In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have expected to be respected by the ex.”

“I attempted the luge run up at Lake Placid once, but came in last. They cheated and started in January while I waited until July, when I wouldn’t have to deal with all that stupid ice.”

“For my next joke, I resurrect the first one.”

“It died too soon.”

“I’d try a threesome, but I’m afraid it would turn into a twosome, and I’d be lonesome.”

“(Back in the grave with that one, too?)”

“I tried to ‘Deck the halls with balls of holly’, but Holly didn’t have any.”

“Some might say that I’m a 62-year-old, but I like to think I’m really just five 12½-year-olds bunched up together and up to no good.”

“Winter is going.”

“My childhood hero was Morris the Moose. (Thanks, Monty!)”

“But I always looked up to Mighty Mouse.”

“Just for kicks, I’m going to transcribe these, in hierglyphics, onto an old sheet of papyrus and tuck them into a recently-opened Egyptian tomb.”

“Speaking of Arty facts, he was the one with the afro.”

“I’d’ve (<= cool, eh?) been kicked out of school for even saying ‘Garfunkle’.”

“(Google, children, Google!)”

“She claimed it wasn’t romantic when I pretended to be a hockey play-by-play announcer during sex.”

“So now we’re in the off season.”

“(Yes, Timmo, this is my hockey shtick!)”

“I went for a morning skate, but without the one that had given me grief I just fell over.”

“So then I attempted to take up figure skating, but never got as far as the figure eights. Those figure fours are so hard!”

“The two of us, as a couple, used to really stick together. I called it ‘Velcro’, the police called it grounds for my arrest.”

“And, speaking of being stuck, there are more to come!!”


"You'll run out before I will!"

    

“We disagreed about disagreeing, and were happier for it.”

“Heck – I got a degree in disagreeing!”

“I knew she’d been cheating when I found the Joker in our bed.”

“I couldn’t deal with it.”

“Speaking of which, can a Joker be trump?”

“But then, she’d accused me of cheating too – said I’d been dealing from the bottom of half a deck.”

“It’s actually easier to count your chickens before they hatch – there are fewer of them then.”

“I took his word for it and got accused of plagiarism.”

“Isn’t breaking news already broken by the time it ends up in a newscast?”

“Were there any mundane Vikings?”

“The Huns never went away. You can still find them in most diners and doughnut shops. They’re the ones the older waitresses are talking to.”

“For fun, whenever I give directions I like to tell people to turn left when they get to the traffic circle.”

“My former girlfriend says things are looking up now that see no longer sees me there.”

“I totalled my car. It came to ‘1’.”

“She asked me what I called myself. I said I didn’t have to, I right here.”

“I was going to stall for time, but the mens’ room was disgusting!”

“Whenever a woman accuses me of following her, I ask her ‘why?’ and then act so continuously confused by her answer that she’ll eventually get angry and accuse me of not following her.”

“Was Obs cured by getting an enigma?”

“She was a real witch, but I got her to fly off the handle.”

“Today’s word: ‘perturbed’.”

“So, I looked through the trees and saw the forrest. Now what?”

“She became even more distant after I lost my remote control.”

“One my first day as a bouncer I rounded up all the drunks and herded them towards home. They accused me of drunk driving.”

“One my second day as a bouncer, I was too deflated to do my work.”

“On my third day as a bouncer, the real bouncers threw me out.”

“Now I’m too old to be a bouncer. I’m more of a dribbler.”

“I asked the dog why the cat’s head was all wet and he pretended he didn’t know…”

“I use custom cusses to cuss out the graggnammed butterfluckers!”

“She left me to my own devices, but then came back and took the stereo.”

“There was a little frosting left after I took the cake at the hockey tournament, so I iced the puck.”

“Mr. Dylan has been stealing my lyrics again.”

“‘Call it what you like.’

‘Okay, but what should I call you?’”

“I asked her to make love with me. She said it would be beneath her dignity. Can I please borrow your Karma Sutra?”

“I walked barefoot through a very quiet library and ended up with a bunch of pins stuck in my feet.”

“I tried not to scream, but didn’t know how to sign ‘YOW!!!’.”

“The best I could do, what with it being a library and all, was ‘shhhh it’.”

“So I stopped paying attention midway through law school and thereby ended up only a half-assed lawyer.”

“Oh, I’ve seen better days, all right, but only with my eyes closed.”

“Women who don’t turn into their mothers might still be possessed by them.”

“Fathers. only the other hand, merely hover over us, looking disappointed.”

“My great grandfather said he was only half the man my great, great grandfather was. My grandfather said he was only half the man my great grandfather was. My father said he was only half the man my grandfather was. And my father was twice the man I am. What does that make me?”

“My new shoes won’t go out with me because I’m too old.”

“She chased my lingering thoughts away with a broom.”

“I miss the demeanor of criminal court.”

“It’s gotten to the point where my nightmares are accusing reality of cheating.”

“That hamburger joint I smoked didn’t get me off at all.”

“I send back my rejection letters.”

“Some people go out and chase their dreams – I sit at home and wait in the recliner in case one of them ever shows up.”

“(Writing these! And because some dreams never come true, there will be more!)”

“The people who put up tall fences around their property so that we can’t see them are actually doing us a favor.”

“How come Grade School is called ‘Elementary’ and not “Elemenopee’???”

“The jerks who tell you to ‘Do the math’ usually haven’t.”

“HBO turned down my suggestion for a miniseries called ‘Old Pope’. They said it was because they were looking for something that would last more than one episode.”

“I think it was the nudity.”

“I should have known it was a bad omen when the bouncer threw me out of my own wedding party.”

“I knew my ex was coming for me with a knife, so I turned the lights off and tried to hide. It didn’t work. I asked her, later, how she knew it was me. She gleamed and said: ‘Oh, I just took a stab in the dark!’”

“Never bring a tuba to an orgy.”

“Today’s new word: ‘polis’ – Politics, without the parasite.”

“Wait – they don’t come that way…”

“I got kicked out of my social class for not having any (and thereby repeating old jokes).”

“Do you take off that costume for Halloween?”

“Things are looking up! We’ve made it all the way to ‘abysmal’!!!”

“Mom always told me to wake up ‘bright-eyed and bushy-tailed’. I failed her on the ‘bright-eyed’ part…”

“‘I remember,’ said the old guy in the corner, ‘when you got to wear a pointed hat when they made you sit over here.’”

“Mom and dad wrote me a letter when they sent me away. It was ‘F’.”

“For fun, I like to add an ‘i’ to the middle of ‘To Let’ signs!”

“I’m not sure what ‘TMI’ means, but women always seem to say it whenever I go ‘Hi, my name is …’.”

“When you see three teenage girls walking down the street, texting and not talking to each other, at least you know which of their friends they are insulting.”

“I ran away as soon as I saw that his Ultimate Fight Club was bigger than mine.”

“The good news is that I could finally afford to go on a cruise for the first time since getting cleaned out during the divorce. The bad news? The stupid raft sank.”

“Whatsa matter, can’t handle hilarity???”

“How can extra ordinary be extraordinary?”

“I was going to start writing my autobiography, but I’m still researching it.”

“So I very calmly explained to her that she had actually said ‘no’ only nine hundred and ninety-nine times…”

“It’s not over yet – every now and then some lonely hormone still twitches in its sleep.”

 “I told her I’d love to watch her dressing – she had me guard her Thousand Island.”

“Can a chemist make love?”

“Trust me on this – totum pole dancing can be very painful.”

“Here’s the key difference: a father of sons will always be disappointed by them, while a father of daughters will always be a disappointment to them.”

“I tried to second the motion, but got a back spasm.”

“My goal is to die before I get to the electric chair. Lord knows I'm walking slowly enough!”

“There are two kinds of idiots when it comes to Donald Trump: those who’ll never figure out that he’s an idiot, and those who keep trying to tell them he is.”

“Here’s an experiment you can try for yourself, at home: Put two pieces of rotten fruit on a table and ask everyone to choose one. Half the people will simply walk away in disgust, and the other half will split about 50-50 as to which one to settle for, although most of them will do so complaining about how rotten the fruit they ended up with is. Now try it again, but this time add a third piece of fruit, one that isn’t rotten, and see what happens…”

“And yes, a few will never admit they made a mistake, eat their rotten fruit, and die… Silly people!”

“(Oh, do I ever wish these were all actually jokes!)”

“If the saying is ‘come hell or high water’, how come we’re getting both?”

“Does Pocahontus?”

“My GPS lady said ‘bear right’, so, even though I knew it would take me in the wrong direction, I went ahead and did what she had told me to do. There are two things you don’t argue with in life: ladies, and bears.”

“And while we’re on the subject, isn’t it, just maybe, about time to bring back cave bears? You know, to clear out all those silly ‘man caves’?”

“Some joker at the jail put a comma at the end of his sentence.”

“I take a notepad up inside a church steeple to write some of these, hoping that it might inspire me to use fewer bad puns.”

“(Which explains the battiness, but hardly the failure to slam shut those floodgates. So, until the meds kick in that’ll do it, there will be more!)”